Is It Ever Our Place To Tell a Stranger How to Parent?

Probably not…but we don’t mean it in a horrible way

“OH MY GOD! WHY DID YOU GO BACK?!”

I didn't look around, as I knew this comment was not directed at me. What I didn’t realise, at that moment, a woman was shouting at a child.

I learnt very quickly, that the child had tried to retrieve a balloon whilst crossing the road. It was hard for the whole street not to hear of what had just happened.

She didn’t seem the kneel-down-and-explain type of woman. But given the situation, I suppose any mother would be responding in this way, not out of anger, but more fear and the potential consequences of what could have happened.

Alas, this was not the end of the scolding;

“I can't believe you just did that. How ridiculous! When you get home, all your toys are going in the bin, no PlayStation either!”

This was the point in which I had to shake my head, ever so slightly. I could not believe what I was hearing.

I could not distinguish the connection between learning about road safety and punishment.

The family disappeared down another road and I was left to walk with my own family towards the barbers. I had to hold on to my son’s hand tight, as I felt it was my duty to catch up to the other mum, pull her one side and give her suggestions on how to handle a situation like this, as I don’t think pulling a toy away from a child will end up in him knowing what he did wrong?

But fear gripped me. How would you even go about accomplishing such a task?

There was a lot at stake when it came to thinking about walking up to another parent and telling them (not in a nasty way) that their parenting style should change. It almost seems like an abhorrent thing to do. Especially if you don’t know the person.

I didn’t know who this lady was. For all I know, she could have been a fabulous mother, but I caught her at a bad time.

If I had taken the chance to walk over, would I be received as a mum, by the mum, or would I had been received as an interfering member of society who should know her place?

Why would I start to think like this?

Because it is the way in which our society is perceived to us.

We are filled with bad and depressing news (radio, tv etc) every day through different mediums and it is because of this that it can be hard to notice any good in anyone. We start to develop a profile for everyone, sometimes without even meaning to.

When a stranger walks up to you, you already start to judge whether they are safe, without your fight or flight response becoming slightly activated and this mother may have already judged my appearance and manner before I even had a chance to open my mouth.

It is scary to think that judgement can be passed so quickly, that it can be hard to see someone who cares, someone who is looking for the welfare of others.

However, if I was that mother, would I be able to handle another parent telling me how to parent?

Well, it would all depend on how I perceived the information. If I had thought for a second that a mother was trying to reprimand me in front of my kids, or whoever was around, I would politely listen and walk away, leaving what was said behind me. But if she had spoken to me where it made me feel comfortable to speak to her, mother to mother, then I would walk away feeling elated.

And this is what I would have wanted for this particular mother.

The invisible line

It can be easy to assume, at one point in our parenting lives, we will seek the help from others on the internet, from breastfeeding our little ones to helping them get better grades at school.

The internet is great for this, but it can also be our worst enemy. The ability to communicate on the internet, whether it be on forums or finding blog posts or looking at specialised websites stops our need to ask advice from people and those we love.

As we crawl through the internet, our vulnerability to ask someone for information is dispersed.

The fear of reaching out to other people is not a problem on the internet.

We are safely securing our feelings, without looking weak in front of others. We can simply put ourselves as anonymous. The internet has allowed us to create an invisible barrier from people in our communities, as we hide our hardships and suppress our feelings. The thicker this barrier becomes, the harder it can be to cross.

I am one of them. But I am willing to get advice when needed. I won’t go seeking for it unless I need to. I will look for the answers myself, before asking anyone. However, it seems that as soon as we become mothers, we have an automatic switch, when put on, gives us all the ins and outs of parenting, relinquishing the idea that we should even have to ask for advice.

I am, however, someone who believes that if we just observe our children and put ourselves in their shoes, then we would better understand where they are coming from.

I remember when my little one ran out on the road and nearly got hit by a car

Yes, it could have been my fault and I partly blame myself for that. But at the time, he was holding his brother's hand, the pavement was large enough for him to stay away from the road and I deemed it safe for him. But then, his brother (also small at the time) started to chase him with a balloon. My youngest son, instead of running along the pavement, ran between two parked cars and onto the busy road. My heart stopped.

After shouting after the youngest, I pulled both of them to our car, as it was close by. I sat down and took a deep breath. I talked to both of them, on an individual level about the dangers of the road and why it was unsafe. I told them that what they did made me very frightened. I explained to them that when we go to the shops, we needed to hold hands at all times. I hugged them both tight and I told them I was sorry.

My apology was for the little one who slipped out of his brother’s hand, it was an apology for not paying attention to where he was heading.

I told them I loved them and we sat there for a while just in each other's arms, until I was ready to pull my motherly instinct back into place.

The moment was gone, but the lesson would stay.

What didn’t help the situation, was when someone (a mother) shouted at me, “You should be holding his hand!”.

Reprimanding another mother in public was not what I needed.

What I needed was someone, anyone, a stranger to come up to me and ask if my kids and I were ok.

Because as soon as a stranger acknowledges another stranger, no matter the situation, your world starts to piece back together again, stronger and more resilient than ever before.

So next time I see or hear a situation I feel I can help with, I will offer my guiding voice. It may be taken with criticism, I may be met with harsh language, but I least I will know I have tried to reach out to someone who may have needed that support.

In the end, my children will see that not everyone is as bad as they are portrayed on media. The world is not filled with horrible people, but we highlight it to make it seem as though it is.

I hope that the mother was able to go home and reflect on the situation that happened. I hope that she was able to reflect and see that a different way to discipline, was what was needed. I hope that she was able to see that although she may have got it wrong this time, there are plenty of times where she will get it right.

This story is published in Koinonia — stories by Christians to encourage, entertain, and empower you in your faith, food, fitness, family and fun.