Is Feminism the New Narcissism?
Feminism used to be defined by the fight for equality. Now, it's the fight for superiority.
One of my male friends recently handed over his phone to me so I could see the dramaturgy he encounters on dating apps. I was shocked and saddened by the egotistical demands from the distaff side.
One woman's profile read, "I am a catch, so I expect 666. If you are it, you know what that means."
I did not. So I googled. "666" stands for six feet tall, six-figure salary, with a six-inch dick. I am not sure what man could meet those requirements, but one of those might not be the freak show fun she thinks it would be.
I assumed that was an outlier, but then I saw other subtler digs. "Don't be boring," wrote one woman. Sure. Only boring people make such a demand. "Entertain me," wrote another. Are you looking for a date or a Netflix recommendation? And the shortest of women had the tallest height demands.
When did women get so entitled? Oh, wait. Women are not entitled. But women on dating apps sure have some champagne taste on a beer budget.
I used to be a proud card-carrying feminist, but that was before a vocal fringe of vituperative and disagreeable women became its mouthpiece. They tweet and retweet their hate-mongering without ever stepping foot into a Planned Parenthood, donating to a women's shelter, or even writing a letter to their Senator. It's the loudest voices who often do the least.
These toxic (yes, I am using that word) women have a stranglehold on feminism. And it's not the feminism the rest of us are fighting for.
“We should all be feminists” was once the battle cry from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I want to still believe she is right. Now, I am not so sure.
Confusingly, today's definition of feminism differs by whom you ask. To second-wave feminists, feminism unmasked the emptiness lurking in the hearts of the idyllic suburban housewife. Betty Friedan challenged women's prescribed domestic roles and asked, "Is this all?" However, her brand of feminism also came with an unheeded warning — "You can have it all, just not all at the same time."
But many non-white women couldn't have it all. Second-wave feminism evolved to third-wave feminism and defined oppression as not simply a matter of gender but also race, class, and sexual orientation. Its efforts were often fragmented, but we were headed in the right direction.
And then came social media and the rise of fourth-wave feminism. Online platforms enabled the rapid dissemination of ideas, but those ideas also became a screaming match between celebrities, influencers, politicians, and anyone with enough Twitter followers. The result was a focus on individualism and a lack of solidarity.
Unfortunately, when fourth-wave feminism got in bed with celebrity culture, it took on a veneer of narcissism that has blackened years of progress. In 2014, Katy Perry told her legion of fans that feminism means, "I love myself as a female." No, Ms. Perry. Turn the mirror around. Feminism fights for equality for women. It’s not about how much you love yourself.
With such a climate of individualistic competition, it's not surprising that disenfranchised alt-right men see feminists as those bitter, outspoken, pussy hat-wearing shrews who won't sleep with them.
And it's not just the alt-right who hate feminists. In 2014, linguistic researcher Nic Subtirelu examined how the word "feminist" was described in different media from 1990 to 2012. The most common words associated with feminism were "militant,” “radical,” and “man-hating."
It's the last one that has hurt the movement the most. If society perceives women as going to war with the enemy while sleeping with the enemy, it's no wonder why the good men are growing increasingly defensive and confused.
The backlash to militant feminism was a sexy rebranding courtesy of influencer culture. Gone are the days of the pixie cut, "butch" feminist in combat boots and a look of utter disdain. Now, The Feminine Mystique has been replaced with quasi-pornographic thirst traps of women baring their breasts coupled with pithy self-help advice.
This new sexy feminist embraces hookup culture and unapologetic hedonism to "fuck like a man." She will claim she is empowered while dieting to extremes and steaming her vagina. But with each click-through, she profits off the male gaze and other women’s insecurities. This is not your grandmother’s feminism.
In 2014, linguistic researcher Nic Subtirelu examined how the word “feminist” was described in different media from 1990 to 2012. The most common words associated with feminism were “militant,” “radical,” and “man-hating.”
But feminists today don't just tell women they can have it all. They tell them that they deserve it all…because they are superior.
And they especially are superior to men. In the Girlboss climb to the top, women reign supreme (while wearing six-inch heels and getting three degrees.) "You've come a long way, Baby," cooed Ms. Virginia Slims. You pushed consumer culture on the masses and redefined feminism as one-upmanship.
Consequently, what began as body positivity morphed into self-promotion. Self-care drowned out societal care. Our decline in empathy reflects this narcissistic focus.
And the message is only getting worse. We often consume stories because we see a part of ourselves in them or who we want to become. But the storyline fed to young girls is strong women kick ass. Rarely do you see a Hollywood script where the heroine is passive, flawed, and unabashedly vulnerable. The end. It's hard to empathize with heroines hardened to perfection. It's no wonder why young girls are falling into a sinkhole of compare and despair depression.
But social media has never been prosocial. It promotes an individualistic agenda at the expense of the economically disadvantaged. There's a reason why you won't find many bedraggled, overworked housekeepers with a million Instagram followers.
Of course, many celebrities have stayed the course. Lena Dunham, Alicia Keys, and Tina Fey fought for equal pay in Hollywood. And the celebrity-driven MeToo movement delivered a pointed message to predatory men in the workplace.
But as the MeToo movement basked in its own glory, the tortoise outran the sleeping hare. While feminists shared their MeToo hashtags and wore their pussy hats, the Trump administration chipped away at the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and gutted the Supreme Court with Conservative judges who overturned Roe. Who's winning now?
Not men. Men's fallen education levels have moved in lockstep with deaths of despair — suicide, drug overdoses, and alcoholic liver disease. Countless articles claim the "male loneliness epidemic” is the root of the problem. Others claim it doesn't exist and is just another whiny plea from the patriarchy.
Sadly, no one can measure loneliness because statistics rely on self-reporting. Most men don't even go to therapy. You can't quantify loneliness if men are not talking about their loneliness. When I hear the word "epidemic," I laugh my ass off. Who are the infected? If we don't know, that's the wrong word to measure the decline of emotional health.
The truth is that both sides are lonely because both sides are in opposition. Feminism used to be coupled with humanism and the fight for equality. Now, instead of burning bras, we burned our etiquette books.
We also got mean. The new brand of feminist narcissism is women cutting men down to build themselves up. These zero-sum thinkers have waged a bitter gender war reflected in declining marriage rates.
Closing wage gaps is a phyric victory if there is no one to share your riches with.
The majority would disagree with me. A recent Pew Research Center asked Americans how they defined a "fulfilling life." 70% chose an enjoyable career. Only 23% chose marriage. I would love to ask them that question again on their death bed. I bet many would reach for the hand of their loved ones and not their resumes.
Our focus on careers over camaraderie speaks to the humanistic ideals we lost in the fight for equality. In our quest toward individualism, we sacrificed the most beautiful feminist ideal and the antithesis of narcissism — empathy.
Feminism was once fueled by empathy. Empathy for the daughter who doesn't have the same education opportunities. Empathy for the abused mother struggling to put food on the table. Empathy for the hard-working career woman who deserved the same pay. Empathy for all the women harassed, harangued, and violated by men in a position of power.
And yes, empathy for the experiences of men also.
My Grandma Ella was my feminist role model. She got a teaching degree in the 1920s when fewer than 5% of women earned a bachelor's degree. She married late and had one child (my mother) at the spinster age of 40 — unheard of then.
According to my grandfather, men swarmed around her. In pictures, she was stunningly beautiful. On paper, she was highly educated. And in her private life, she was quietly selfless. The kind of woman who went to church every day and would give you the shirt off her back. Literally. If you said, "Grandma, that is a pretty blouse." She would respond, "You like it? Do you want it?" I have never met anyone so determined yet so unattached to the material world.
That is where feminism has lost its way — materialism. Every time a cantankerous man-hating influencer gets another click-through, she is laughing all the way to the bank. A consumer culture does not advance a movement. It only advances the individual.
Unfortunately, feminism has been co-opted by these discord sowers. Plenty of strong feminist women call men out on their shit without sounding like an Andrew Tate wannabe. But those voices go unheard.
I won't deny men are getting battered and bruised, but the most vitriolic voices do not represent the majority. If only #NotAll(insert the majority) worked. It only gaslights the other side's experience. There’s plenty of pontificating and not enough listening.
And we need to listen to each other instead of inventing more “smash the patriarchy” cutesy memes. Both sides are struggling.
The next feminist wave must be the tide to raise all boats.
Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books. For past articles grouped by subject, see my Table of Contents.
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