Is Fantasy Keeping Your Hopes for a Relationship Alive?

How To Move On From Unavailable or Mistreating Partners, For GOOD

We’ve all been there. Helplessly hooked on someone we know isn’t good for us or is showing us blatant disinterest. Maybe they did show interest once, albeit briefly, but have since bookended their interest by ignoring texts, refusing commitment, or displaying otherwise disinterested behaviors. Your friends, family, and inner circle keep reminding you of the blatant red flags in front of you, but it’s as if you’re blinded to reality.

You keep replaying how things use to be, what it felt like to have their attention, and how great the two of you would have been together — if only they’d find interest in you again.

And this would be all well and good if you could get on with your life, but you take the lack of interest as an indicator of your lacking, leading to low moods, ruminations, and endless hours of overthinking. You wonder how things went wrong, what you could have done better, and HOW you can win them back. If only you could win them back.

The above is exhausting, it’s relentless and rarely leads to the payoff we want. So what gives? Why are we so hooked on somoene who clearly isn’t into us?

This is what we’re talking about today.

The Power of Fantasy In Keeping Connections Alive

Here’s something to remember for you. Just because a connection has ended in the physical realm, doesn’t mean it’s ended mentally, and just as we can nurture relationships in reality, so too can we nurture them in our minds.

Let me expand.

Maybe someone is showing you disinterest or has outright told you they’re not interested anymore. Instead of taking this as it is, accepting it, and moving on, we begin replaying how things use to be. Turning to our minds to bathe in the feel-good memories of our past, and indulging in future thoughts around how things COULD be if the two of you were together.

Now think of a time when you’ve experienced something anxiety-provoking and THOUGHT about something anxiety provoking. Both experiences, one physical and one mental result in a feeling of anxiety in the mind and body. In this, it doesn’t matter if you’re thinking about something anxiety-provoking or actually experiencing it, you’ll still feel anxious.

This is because our brains can’t tell the difference between what is reality and what is not. As such, if we continue thinking positively about our exes or love interests, we will continue feeding into the belief we have that they’re someone good for us — even if they’re the furthest thing from it.

Indulging in thoughts about the past or thoughts about the future also leads us to ignore the only relevant place where we should be taking stock…

Our reality.

Why Ignoring Reality Is Critical To Keeping Unhealthy Connections Alive

Your friends and loved ones can see this person isn’t into you because they’re not blinded by fantasies of the past or future with them. They don’t have the knowledge that you do of how things used to be, how good they made you feel, or how things could be in the future, so they can see clearly.

Unfortunately for us, we have a memory of how things used to be, and we can fantasize with greater potency about how things could be. We may also have internalized beliefs that say we’re unworthy, which pushes us to want to win them over to feel validated. All of this can cloud our vision and lead us to ignore reality.

But it’s in our reality where the real evidence lies. It doesn’t matter if someone use to be good for you; if they’re ignoring you, mistreating you, or have outright said to you that they’re not interested anymore, that’s all the evidence that you need. If we’re looking to our past or future for evidence of who someone is it’s likely we’re doing this to feed into a belief of how we WISH things would be and not how they actually are.

It’s such a shame we do this, but is understandable, too. Our brains are clever in that they’ll purposely avoid pain in our reality through fantasy. It’s safer in our heads when we don’t have to pay attention to how someone is actually behaving or treating us.

Except this process is flawed, and all we’re doing whilst investing in fantasy is experiencing temporary bliss only to be hit with sadness when we realize how things actually are.

With that in mind, here are some ways to avoid fantasy misguiding you in dating and relationships.

Staying Grounded In Reality

Reality Checks

If you’re in a habit of fantasizing about a past someone or a future someone, it’s extremely important to stay grounded in reality through frequent reality checks.

For example, bring awareness to when you’re getting caught up in your head. When you find yourself caught up in a past memory or a future scenario bring your attention back to the present moment and remind yourself that these thoughts are just distractions from what’s going on in real time.

Because if someone was as great as we thought they were, we wouldn’t need to dip into the past or future for reassurance, how they’re being now would be the evidence we’d need.

Make A List

Whilst caught in the past or future, we’re likely to be focusing on, and exaggerating all the good qualities we see in this person — but how are they actually making you feel, in reality; right now?

Are they ignoring you? Are they emotionally unavailable? Have they told you they’re not interested in pursuing or continuing a relationship with you? Are their passions and ambitions aligned with yours? Do they respect your boundaries, or act in ways that you dislike?

Make a long list and remind yourself of these things, frequently. If someone is not wanting to commit to you it doesn’t matter how great you think they are, they’re not compatible with you. If they were, they’d be with you.

Remind yourself of what your reality is saying each time you find yourself caught in past or future thinking.

Grieve

As I mentioned at the end of the previous section, our brains can turn to fantasy to protect us from the pain we may experience in our reality. This means that paying attention to our reality, and how this person is treating us may prove difficult.

But it’s imperative we feel into the feelings that our reality checks bring up in order to process what is going on and move forward. Confide in friends, seek help from a coach or therapist if need be, but find the time to grieve.

Practice Self Love

Part of the reason we may fantasize is because we’re preoccupied with what it would feel like to be chosen. On some level, we want this person to choose us so that we can feel validated.

If you relate to this at all, it’s super important to practice self-love during this time. You don’t need anyone to validate you, especially someone who isn’t giving you the time you deserve. For each time someone doesn’t choose you, at that moment you can choose yourself.

Furthermore, you deserve someone’s consistency and availability — and it is out there. Not every relationship is going to work out or lead anywhere, and that’s fine. Trust in your own journey and everything else will fall into place.

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