Summary

The article discusses the author's personal struggle with societal expectations of increased sexual activity during self-isolation, juxtaposed with the realities of job loss, mental health challenges, and the redefinition of intimacy.

Abstract

The author reflects on the trending topic of increased sexual activity among couples during self-isolation, as widely reported on social media. Despite the expectation to engage in more sex, the author, recently experiencing a significant loss of income, finds this activity to be the least of her concerns. The stress and anxiety from financial insecurity and the psychological toll of the pandemic have left her with no desire for sex. She emphasizes that intimacy is not solely about sexual acts but includes other forms of physical and emotional closeness. The author concludes by asserting her choice to not feel guilty for not prioritizing sex amidst the global crisis, advocating for self-compassion and a broader understanding of intimacy.

Opinions

The author feels that the societal pressure to have more sex during self-isolation is unrealistic given the current global situation.
Job loss and financial instability are significant barriers to sexual desire for the author and her husband.
The mental and emotional exhaustion caused by the pandemic has left little energy for sexual activity.
The author, with a history of sexual assault, requires a secure environment to be sexually vulnerable, which the current circumstances do not provide.
Intimacy is redefined by the author as encompassing more than just sex, including non-sexual physical touch and emotional support.
The author believes that it's important to cut oneself some slack and not feel guilty for not engaging in frequent sex during these challenging times.
She rejects the notion that sex should be a top priority for couples in self-isolation, especially when dealing with more pressing issues like mental health and financial security.

Is Everyone Having Sex But Me?

Engaging in higher volumes of sex to pass the time is apparently a current at-home trend.

To anyone out there who is married, or in committed relationships — are you having a hell of a lot more sex right now, being in self-isolation with your significant other?

People are writing about this all over social media — there are memes, jokes and the like. I can’t escape them.

As silly as it sounds, 6 months into my marriage and I’m boggled by this trend.

The world is literally upsidedown in a global state of emergency with thousands of worries and concerns constantly floating around in the atmosphere — and people are finding the time and energy to have sex!?

As I read this themed content more, the anxious thoughts started creeping into my mind:

“What’s wrong with us, that we’re not having sex?”

“Am I not making enough of an effort right now? Am I a bad wife?”

“Even though I feel like I’m barely holding it together each and every day — should sex be a top priority for me right now, along with the millions of others?”

I am endlessly impressed/horrified by the number of details we’re guilt-tripping ourselves with.

But in the defence of couples who are not having loads of sex right now (in fact, are having less) — you’re not alone. And here’s why:

There’s nothing sexy about job-loss.

You know what doesn’t make a person feel hot and heavy? A sudden and crippling loss of income.

That is the reality that my husband and I are now readjusting to since my biggest client let me go for their own financial security earlier this week.

75% of my income gone in the blink of an eye.

Safe to say that sex has not been on my mind recently. Instead, my head is filled with emergency procedures and crisis planning for finding a supplemental income in an economy that has nothing further to offer a self-employed person like me.

Every prospective client of mine is hemorrhaging from every orifice.

I’m in damage-control mode. I’m too busy trying to figure out how to ensure we don’t lose our house, rather than fantasizing about riding my husband all night long.

I think that’s pretty reasonable!

There’s no extra energy to give.

Many of us have written or read articles about how self-isolation has been surprisingly exhausting.

The mental and psychological toll related to stress, anxiety and uncertainty in this time of pandemic weighs a hell of a lot on our minds and bodies.

We’re not as productive, we’re unmotivated, and we’re going to bed much earlier than usual.

I need a solid 10 hours of sleep these days just to feel even remotely normal.

My PTSD and anxiety are through the literal roof — more so than usual.

It’s a full-time job right now just to keep my f*cking sh*t together — imagining having sex every day just because we’re both home is a prospect that exhausts me even further.

I’ve never had an on-and-off switch when it comes to sex. With a history of being sexually assaulted, I require an extremely secure environment before I can let myself be sexually vulnerable.

Nothing about current days is anywhere near secure or safe enough for me to make that conscious mental shift to get my rocks off.

Intimacy isn’t just about getting some penile action.

Or vaginal action, for my vagina-loving friends.

A lot of people online are saying how self-isolation has helped them appreciate the little things in life. Really get a clear picture of what’s important in life.

For me, this experience is helping to pull apart sex and intimacy, enough to realize they’re not synonymous. Intimacy can exist without the expectation of sex directly afterwards (despite what previous relationships have taught me).

I am more grateful these days for being able to just hold my husband, and be near him when I fall asleep at night.

Our hugs are longer and tighter — the relief of one another’s touch alone reaches our souls more directly.

Intimacy in a relationship isn’t just about intercourse and orgasms — it also includes physical touch, cuddling, holding one another, words of kindness and love.

Couples are failing if they’re having trouble navigating their sex life in these uncertain times — we’ve got to cut ourselves and others some slack.

Final word.

Sex is not on my mind right now.

Many can argue that, as a married woman, it should be a top concern.

I can appreciate that perspective, but frankly, I choose not to give myself yet another thing to feel guilty about in these unprecedented times.

I’m already beating myself up for a number of things, when really I need to be practicing more grace and kindness with myself.

As a survivor of sexual assault, forced or just-because-we-should sex don’t tend to work for me — ever.

Pandemics are not sexy.

Struggling to keep one’s mental health in check every moment of every day is not sexy.

Questioning your self-worth because you’ve lost your job security is not sexy.

So while every other couple in the world seems to be banging like bunnies right now, I am not.

I remain unaroused by the circumstances of my life right now.

And I’m cutting myself some slack by not making hanky-panky time with my husband mandatory for our overall survival right now.

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