Is Everyone a Narcissist These Days?

The problem seems to be growing larger but is actually shallower than we think

Narcissistic parents ruin children’s lives. Narcissistic bosses make work hell for underlings. Narcissistic leaders manipulate and defraud the populace. Narcissistic lovers abuse their partners. Therapists are flooded with patients complaining that their family members or mates are narcissists. Google searches are surging for the term “narcissist.” Yet research consistently indicates that only about 1% of the population are true narcissists.

Are a tiny number of narcissists powerful, devious, and industrious enough to wreck the lives of millions?

True narcissists exist. But certain behaviors are easy to mistake for narcissism. And often, it is our own self-centeredness, and our practice of concocting stories about what motivates other people, that confuses us and causes us to mislabel their actions.

From myth to modernity

When the gorgeous Greek youth Narcissus caught view of his reflection in a pond, he fell so in love with the image that he became numb to the rest of the world. (The same Greek word is the root for narcotics, drugs that desensitize.) Narcissus stopped eating or sleeping, dying from his self-infatuation. But here’s a twist: Narcissus probably wasn’t a true narcissist. In most versions of the myth, he didn’t even realize that he was looking at his own face.

Anyway, we need to add the nymph, Echo, to the story, to capture the core elements of narcissism. Echo was also smitten with Narcissus’ beauty. But in his self-absorption, Narcissus ignored her while she pined away.

Thus we have the core elements of narcissism:

• grandiosity — an inflated sense of self-worth
• lack of empathy or caring for others
• a need for excessive attention and admiration

The current standard diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires that an individual persistently displays, in a variety of situations, at least five out of the nine listed behaviors. The six additional symptoms:

• fantasies of unlimited power/brilliance/beauty/love
• feeling so special and unique that only other special people can appreciate you
• a sense of entitlement
• exploiting others in interpersonal interactions
• envying others and thinking others envy you
• displays of arrogance or haughtiness

Traditionally, mental health professionals considered personality disorders to be inflexible, maladaptive patterns of thoughts and behaviors that persist throughout adult life. Personality disorders were viewed as attempts to solve personal and interpersonal problems, such as feelings of inferiority, or fears of abandonment, that arose in early life from problematic parenting. In this view, personality disorders provide a coping mechanism for the individual, but inflict considerable distress on others, including partners, family members and co-workers.

Our standard classification system places Narcissistic Personality Disorder with other “dramatic and emotional” personality disorders: Antisocial (sociopaths), Histrionic (overly theatrical and hypochondriacal), and Borderline (intense fears of abandonment, self-destructive behaviors). However, many individuals who fulfill criteria for one personality disorder also have traits of, or meet the definition for, additional personality disorders. In addition, rather than just being all-or-nothing, personality traits range on a spectrum of severity.

How we create narcissists

New ways of understanding and classifying personality disorders incorporate these nuances. The nine traditional elements for narcissistic personality disorder listed above still fit what psychologists call the newer “dimensional and trait models” for the condition. These new models also indicate that there can be healthy elements to a small degree of narcissism, helping people to be assertive in voicing their desires.

While Freud and the early psychoanalysts considered personality disorders to arise purely from psychological forces, that view is also changing. Years of research have exposed biological, psychological, and social underpinnings for narcissism and other personality disorders. Full-blown narcissists are rare because forces at all three of these levels need to align in order to create them.

Biologically, genes contribute to the development of both healthy and undesirable personality traits. Genes influence aspects of narcissism, like entitlement and grandiosity. Many of the same genes that contribute to personality disorders increase the likelihood of developing other psychiatric conditions as well.

Psychologically, when infants do not have their basic needs identified and met, they have trouble developing their own self-soothing, regulating their own emotions, and interacting and attaching to others. At some level, budding narcissists perceive that they are not getting what they need, interpret that as a reflection of their own defectiveness, and flip it back with a scornful “I don’t need you if you can’t care for me properly.”

We develop notions about ourselves, and patterns of attachment to others, in early childhood, and then repeat them all our lives. While we are not locked into these patterns, they tend to continue to shape our connections.

As one of my mentors was fond of quoting, “The past participates.”

No parent is perfect. But we don’t need perfect parents. Pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the phrase “the good enough mother” decades ago. You need to have most of your needs met most of the time. And it’s actually healthy to learn at an early age that the world doesn’t entirely revolve around you.

Socially, we are so embedded in our own world that it seems “normal” or universal, and we tend to overlook how culture influences personality. For the vast majority of human existence, humans lived in family-based clans. Our identities were firmly wedded to membership in our clans. Virtually everything we did was directed toward our tribe’s success; we were the tribe and the tribe was us. Personal accomplishments were only valued if they helped the family. We trusted clan members and were suspicious of all outsiders.

Individualism, and stressing our own attributes and accomplishments, is essential for success in our modern, Western, capitalist culture. Our culture cultivates and normalizes many of the elements of narcissism, behaviors that would be bizarre or nonsensical in a clan-based society.

Although museum dioramas present early humans as lumbering brutes, our ancestors were fairly puny and weak. They needed to stick together for safety. A solitary human was likely to be eaten, or to starve. Our brains evolved in a world where being alone, being cut off from the clan, was a recipe for death. Yet our modern society delivers a conflicting message to differentiate, individualize, be yourself and show it to the world.

It’s tricky to solve the be-different-but-fit-in paradox. Modernity has made it increasingly likely that some will fail to reconcile these conflicting forces and develop dysfunctional narcissistic traits.

Increasingly, cultural factors promote narcissism. Social media exposes us to much more information (and misinformation) than we ever had before regarding how everyone else is doing. We constantly compare ourselves to others.

The internet also incessantly reminds us of perils from climate change, toxic plastics, nuclear powers waging wars, and new deadly viruses killing millions. Simultaneously, our existence is threatened, and we are shown our own insignificance — a pretty good recipe for heightening narcissism. It is quite likely (but untestable) that narcissism is more common in our modern world than when everyone lived in a clan-based society. But the creation of full-blown narcissists requires the alignment of fairly biological, psychological and social factors.

What ADHD tells us about narcissism

Just because we define personality disorders as clusters of behaviors, doesn’t make it simple to identify narcissists. The diagnostic criteria aren’t just behaviors, but actually require us to know the motivation for these actions. To emphasize this critically important point, let’s look at ADHD, a condition that is often, and surprisingly, confused with narcissism.

The two conditions may seem quite distinct. We often focus on the hyperactive, inattentive, and impulsive symptoms of ADHD that interfere with behavior in school or the workplace. But we know that ADHD in childhood predisposes one to developing Narcissistic Personality Disorder later in life. Furthermore, more than half of the nine inattentive and nine impulsive/hyperactive behaviors used to diagnose ADHD can be mistaken for narcissism:

• making careless mistakes
• having trouble sustaining attention
• not listening even when spoken to directly
• failing to finish projects or complete tasks
• being distracted
• acting forgetful
• restlessness
• talking excessively
• unable to wait one’s turn
• interrupting others / intruding in other’s personal space
• blurting out comments

James starts tapping his feet and fiddling with his phone during your group presentation. You think that he’s a narcissist who doesn’t care about your performance, or worse, is trying to undermine it. He could also simply have ADHD.

Jenny signs her kid up for the swim meet, but fails to show up. She might be so narcissistically preoccupied with her own tasks that she neglects her child. She may narcissistically fear embarrassment if her daughter swims too slowly. Or she could just be a mom with ADHD struggling to organize and complete too many chores.

Your leader may fail to organize a medical response to a new infectious agent, ignore the advice of health experts, and broadcast ill-informed conjectures about the epidemic because he cares more about his standing in the polls than about his community’s health (narcissism). Or he might behave this way because he is so distracted, disorganized and impulsive (ADHD). Or, he might have both going on.

Our stories can mislead us

We describe ADHD in terms of objective behaviors, whereas we need to know why someone is acting the way they do in order to diagnose narcissism. Others routinely accuse my non-narcissistic adult patients with ADHD of narcissistic behavior. This is particularly problematic when coming from a couples therapist who doesn’t recognize or understand ADHD.

Aside from the fact that many people still don’t appreciate that adults can have ADHD, why do we so often misattribute ADHD-driven behaviors to narcissism? Part of it is our love of stories. Narcissism often makes a better narrative.

If you’re in a crowded sandwich shop and someone bumps into you, maybe they’re clumsy, maybe they’re generally distracted, maybe at that instant they were locked onto their cell phone, or maybe they were so shy, or scared, or absorbed in the moment that they didn’t really see you. None of those versions make as good a story as claiming that they knew you were standing there and intentionally body-slammed you.

ADHD behaviors all fall within the range of normal actions — we all occasionally make mistakes, get distracted, lose our train of thought, act absent-mindedly, or act out of turn. These behaviors only define ADHD when someone does them far more often than their peers, in multiple situations, over long periods of time. Narcissistic behavior violates more social norms. It’s over the top. It makes a more entertaining story.

But it goes deeper than that. We all like to be the center of our own stories. In most of the sandwich-shop scenarios above, we’re just innocent bystanders. But when the bumper is a narcissist, we’ve been chosen as a particular victim. Our own narcissistic tendency to want to be the focus of attention makes for a better story than being the focus of someone’s inattention. Making the other person a narcissist helps bring us into the drama.

Using a technical, psychological term, like “narcissist” can also provide a sense of control. “I’ve identified what’s going on.” But it can also contain a sense of superiority. “They were in the wrong. They have a pathological condition.” Trying to figure out why others do what they do can begin as an exercise in empathy. Too often it devolves into throwing around labels that stigmatize and distance ourselves from others.

Coping with all of the narcissists

Start by stepping back from the story. Try to observe behaviors rather than jump to judgments. You can often decide whether someone’s behavior is acceptable to you or not, without attributing motives to their actions or labels to their supposed condition. If it’s someone you interact with habitually, state where and what your limits are.

If they keep violating your boundaries, get them out of your life!

There are real narcissists out there. We have groups and programs to help people leave abusive relationships, retrain for better job situations, find healthier partners, or elect more caring and effective leaders. Take care of yourself.

If everyone you have a significant relationship with turns out to be a narcissist, then you probably should consider whether you have an attraction to narcissists, or whether your view of others might be skewed. Your own narcissistic tendencies might make you see everyone else as preoccupied and selfish.

If your brain comes up with the initial narrative that someone appears to be acting like a narcissist, try to see if there might be another side to the story. Compassion for the other makes both of you more human. Empathy is not just a gift to others, but to yourself as well. But if, upon reflection, the other person still looks like a narcissist, protect yourself.

I know that my article on narcissism has enlightened you! It’s probably changed your life forever! It’s definitely the best that medium.com ever published! Probably the best written anywhere! Anytime! At least that’s what everyone tells me. Even ChatGPT isn’t going to write a better one!! So bow down and pray that I keep writing stories to keep you informed and entertained. Otherwise, I may just order AI, which I personally control, to erase the alphabet, and send us all back to the Dark Ages.