Why You Shouldn’t Label Attraction As Emotional Cheating

There are better ways to stop a crush from causing a break up

Your night out just reached a new level of exciting.

This person is magnetic. You can’t stop staring. When you two chat, the air around you crackles like electric current. You are high on his smell.

But he’s with someone else. Or you are. Or it’s both. Either way, you shouldn’t be flirting.

And yet… you don’t want this feeling to stop.

Suddenly he gets up to leave, and you’re secretly, but intensely, trying to hypnotize him to stay. It doesn’t work. He heads for the door. You freeze. Last side-glance. That smile.

He leaves behind an empty aura. Suddenly, this party sucks.

Before you know it, he takes residence in your brain. He follows you home, to the kitchen as you make some mint tea, to the bedroom as you fall asleep.

You’re caught in his web. There’s no way you can get over this.

Except you can.

I should know — I fancy people all the time. I’ve also been happy with my guy for over 11 years, without a single slip-up.

First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up.

Attraction is not a choice. People’s chemistry is how the universe plays its games. It’s a cocktail full of secret ingredients, which countless scientists and psychologists have been trying to identify for decades.

So what exactly are we supposed to know about digesting it?

Sometimes it’s impossible to stay immune. Unexpected crushes happen to most people, even when they are perfectly happy with someone.

And it doesn’t have to get gloomy.

You have two options — you can decide to let your crush consume you, or you can take charge and put a positive spin on it.

Here’s how to deal with it:

Give it time

This is obvious, and for a good reason: things change. Most crushes are guaranteed to simply evaporate away.

How many times have you been totally crazy about someone, only to think ‘I can’t believe I actually fancied him’ a few weeks later?

Give it a few days, a couple of months, however long it takes. Always bear in mind, there is a 99% chance this crush is not here to stay.

Generally, there’s little you can do to actually make it go away. So just try to wait things out. You didn’t ask for this— it’s happened to you. Don’t torture yourself over it.

But what if it doesn’t leave?

If your crush decides to settle, and stays in your head like a long-term Airbnb-er, don’t panic. It’s a rare scenario, but it happens.

You love many of your friends, don’t you? You love your family, and your pets. You even love the corner bakery owner, whose Sunday lemon tarts are out of this world.

See? Your heart is huge. Even when it feels like it could burst, it doesn’t. It just expands. Therefore, a cheeky little crush doesn’t have to mean you love your partner any less.

Make them your muse

I’ve had a settled Airbnb-er in my head for years. I’ve long made peace with that fact. My man now calls him my second husband. I call him my muse.

He comes and goes, but when he does appear, I feel positive and I’m inspired. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, because I don’t make it an issue. Even though I could.

When your crush remains platonic, it can never get rotten. When you let it stay where it sprung, it can only ever charge you with positive energy. And you can use all that exciting energy to your advantage. Let those endorphins have a dance. Let them fuel your creativity.

Absolutely, turn your crush into a work of art. It doesn’t matter what shape or form. Just have fun. When you take the stress out of the situation, and accept how you feel at least for now, you’re far less likely to do something you might regret.

Keep your balance

It’s also crucial that you take time to think about what’s happening, rationally. Label your feelings. What is it about this person? Are you able to point out what’s making you so drawn to them?

If you find yourself stuck, because you’re seeing things in your crush you wish your partner had, run this exercise the other way round. What qualities does your partner have that you wouldn’t trade for the world? Make a list.

Label everything. This way you gain some much needed clarity. Be honest with yourself and keep your feet on the ground. Don’t let your crush only exist in your head and feed on your sanity. Someone else needs to know about it too.

Tell your best friend. Let them help you see the light side of things. Is your crush really all that special, or are you blind? Laugh about it, get drunk, cry. If all else fails, imagine your crush slip on a banana peel. Better?

And yes, do consider talking about it with your partner. In my relationship, honesty has always kept us strong. Authenticity is what helps us carry each other through thick and thin, time and time again.

What turns a crush into emotional cheating?

The truth is, noone really knows. Everyone draws their line a slightly different way. It is completely subjective.

To me, emotional cheating is a dangerous label. I believe it might even set people up for failure.

Like when you label a teenager ‘problematic’, and they hear it. Instantly, the label gives them an excuse to get into trouble. If they’re already seen as problematic, why wouldn’t they?

When you label your feelings as emotional cheating, you’ve created a predecessor for the real thing.

You’re accusing your heart of betrayal.

But your heart didn’t betray you, or anyone else. This is what it does. It just lives. Romantic love is just another kind of love your heart feels. And the amount of love it can take doesn’t exactly have set limits, remember?

You can make it work without hurting. Don’t plead guilty when there are no charges. It’s literally just in your head.

Now, it’s absolutely true that if you’re already struggling in your relationship, an innocent crush can become a stepping stone. And while every situation is unique and different, I guarantee being too harsh on yourself won’t help either way.

Instead, focus on the bigger picture — the overall state of your relationship, your happiness, your wellbeing. Is your partner happy and fulfilled? Is there anything you can do to make things easier for them? Is this the time for both of you to set cards on the table?

Focus equally on the love you already have for each other. Chances are, no momentary lapse of reason can ruin that love. Especially if it’s just a random attraction Margarita.

So, be easy on yourself. Remember, thousands of other people are going through the same thing, right now. It happens a lot. There’s nothing wrong with you.

It’s not always going to be easy, but you have control over your reaction.

Don’t forget to show yourself some love too.

Be gentle on your big heart. You’ve got this.