HUMOR

iPhone Wants Me to Use Ducking for the Other Word Ending in Ucking

Doesn’t it know me better than that by now?

iPhone and I have been together longer than I’ve been with any of my romantic partners. Those partners may not have ever known me completely, but dammit, iPhone, I thought you were the smart one.

As I attempted to respond to Hogan Torah, I was typing the word fucking. If you’ve read Hogan, you’ll know he appreciates a good swear word or two. If you haven’t read him, do so immediately. I’ll wait.

If you look at my pic on my “About Me” article, you’ll see someone who looks like a sweet, little lady of an indeterminate age. I hope so, about the indeterminate age anyway. There’s a cat’s head protruding into the frame. I’m wearing a blouse with flowers. One would not think the word “fucking” is likely to fall out of my bright, glittery pink lips any time soon. One would be wrong.

I’ve been swearing since I was 12 years old. The first time my grandmother heard me, she was deeply shocked and reported it to my mother. Yes, this is the same sweet, little grandmother who would say, “Come back inside before you freeze your twat off.” Granted I never heard her actually swear.

Damn and hell were my swear words of choice in my preteens and teens. Hard to believe, but I didn’t hear the word fuck used as a swear word until college. And then I was shocked.

By the time I got my first iPhone though, a hand-me-down from my young son, fuck was a regular word in my lexicon. In fact, the aforementioned son tried often to get me to stop swearing while he was growing up. He even suggested I say “Snobble Gobbles” instead. While I would try, he had about as much success as my grandmother and mother had. Which was very little.

Since that first iPhone, the sim card has transmigrated numerous times. presumably taking all its knowledge of me with it. One would think by now every one of my iPhones in succession would be accustomed to my typing and texting the words fuck, fucking and fucked. Again, one would be wrong.

However, the previous ones eventually stopped suggesting alternate words. Besides, iPhone’s suggestions aren’t nearly as funny or useful as “Snobble Gobbles.” AI does learn, I’m told. Unlike my grandmother and my son.

Until this one. While typing my response to the story by Hogan Torah, this iPhone suggested the word “ducking” for “fucking.” It suggested it 6 times, after every letter past the “fu.” I’m guessing it knows the abbreviation and was heading me off at the pass.

I do have a theory. Maybe my sweet, little grandmother is haunting my phone. She’s giving the whole “Stop Carol from swearing” attempt one more try from beyond the veil.

Why now? Probably payback for my telling the world she used the word twat.