Investigating the Urgency of an “URGENT” Email
URGENT — Open immediately! Do not pass GO
I had just peeled my eyes away from my laptop screen, having refreshed it for the 113th time that hour. I was waiting to see my son’s school join the throngs of local schools announcing closure in light of the imminent arrival of Storm Ciaran, but it still it wasn’t showing up on the list.
That was when the email arrived.
The subject line read, “URGENT — School Open As Usual!”
Not surprisingly, I did a double take.
Wait! Did they just write “Urgent” and link it to a completely regular event, to be totally expected for a Thursday in early November — going to school?
Unless, of course, there’s a raging storm outside, threatening the safety of anyone going out on the roads. In which case, toddling along to school on a such a Thursday may not seem quite such a regular or expected event.
But the point was that the use of the word ‘URGENT’ — especially in all caps — didn’t seem fitting with the notion of a regular school day as implied by the words that followed: ‘School Open As Usual!’
You see my point?
Surely there had to have been something urgent about it? Otherwise why would it have been included in the subject line? But what could it be?
I had to get to the bottom of this.
Together with my fellow detective-in-action, my daughter (whom I had already banned from leaving the house in the morning), we brainstormed all possible explanations for the use of the word “URGENT”. Here’s what we came up with:
- URGENT: Do not presume you can have a lie-in tomorrow morning (despite 223 other schools in the local authority having already closed their doors). Put down that second glass of wine immediately! Do not proceed past the first. You cannot risk sleeping through your alarm – or a foggy head – despite all likelihood that we will change our minds, come morning, and close the school after all.
- URGENT: Do not even consider ditching the kids’ bedtimes for a late one with a Harry Potter movie. Put away that mountain of popcorn and go to bed like sensible parents and kids, as you would on any other normal evening without 100 mph winds, thunder, lightning, and torrential rain.
- URGENT: Despite the extremely rare forecast of possible tornadoes (as well as 100 mph winds, thunder, lightning, and torrential rain), DO NOT PANIC! Treat life as if it’s just another sunny day and go to sleep tonight dreaming of flowers waving in a gentle autumn breeze. Struggling to do this against the soundtrack of endless thunder? USE YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION! What the fuck do you think we’ve been teaching you to do all these years?
- URGENT: Stop refreshing that fucking webpage and listen up. You are not getting a day off tomorrow! Unless of course, we change our minds last minute.
At 7.49 am today, I received the following email:
URGENT — School Closure Today
Dear all,
We have just been informed by our Trust CEO that the decision has been made to close school today. We do apologise for the inconvenience. We fully intend to be open again on Friday, but if this is not the case we will let you know. Please do take care.
Kind regards,
Academy Head.
Well that solved that mystery…I think.
Or maybe it didn’t.
In any case…
Harry Potter movie and popcorn, anyone?