HUMOR

Introverts Traumatized by the End of Quarantine, Refuse to Leave Homes

Pandemic restrictions can be fun!

Introverts are not happy about the ending of quarantine. They’ve gotten used to the comfort of working from home and ordering delivery of everything from groceries to car parts.

For some, the easing of quarantine restrictions has been nothing less than catastrophic. The problem is the extroverts.

Nancy moaned and rocked as though in a nightmare. “They’re having parties all the time! I can’t log on to my computer without 5 invitations. Don’t they know me? Don’t they remember who I am?”

Kent found himself paralyzed by a wall of people coming toward him at the office supply store. “There was no escape. I had nowhere to go.”

“People want to hug me all the time.” Celine whispered in horror. “I don’t care how many vaccinations they’ve had. They’re still carrying germs.”

Vaccinations ruin everything

As vaccinations allow extroverts to indulge in big group activities, introverts are alarmed at the roving gangs of humans that they encounter everywhere they go.

“They’re literally dancing in the streets!” exclaimed an introvert named Daniella. “How am I supposed to avoid that?”

Therapists who saw an increase in extroverted clients early in the pandemic are seeing those extroverts replaced by introverted clients trying to cope with this newly social world.

“Now that the extroverts can go out and spend time with groups of people, they’re too busy to attend our little zoom sessions,” complained one therapist who wished to remain anonymous. “They’re happy now and that’s great, but I was getting seriously worried about my business until the introverts started showing up.”

“A nice side effect of this change in my practice is that the introverts are not begging me for in-person sessions like the extroverts did. Now that we can finally return to in-person sessions, my new client base doesn’t want them. That’s fine with me. I’ve been able to give up paying for an office and just work from home.”

“One issue I work on with introverts is healthy ways to set boundaries,” said Savanah Rutledge, a therapist who specializes in working with introverts. “Snarling like a trapped animal may be effective at getting people to leave you alone, but it does nothing for career advancement.”

You want me to go where?

Some employers are trying to coax their employees back to the office after a year and a half of working from home. “We’ve tried bonuses. We’ve tried pizza parties. We’ve tried in-house massages. Nothing works,” said one clueless manager.

“There are so many horrible noises in the office,” complained Sam. “High heels clicking on wood floors. Co-workers gossiping in the halls. Coffee machines and copiers and the incessant typing on keyboards. I can’t do it.”

“When I went back to the office, I started drinking to get through the day,” admitted Bob. “Now I have to go out to go to AA meetings, too!”

“I miss my cats,” sobbed Barbara. “I can spend the whole workday with a cat on my lap at home. It was comforting, like a weighted blanket. I feel exposed when I go out.”

Now that the pandemic has shown them what’s possible, today’s introverts are home to stay.