Introspection Is Exhausting

Attempting to strike a balance between learning about myself and caring for myself

I’ve been a little in my head lately.

I’m sure you belive me, but case you need evidence, I present you with Exhibit A: Three miles into a bike ride today, I realized I wasn’t wearing a helmet.

I was coasting down a hill at about 24 mph, really starting to get into my ride, and suddenly I realized my hands were uncomfortable. I looked down, only to realize I didn’t have my gloves on. Weird, I thought. I wonder what I did with my gloves. I usually leave them in my…

Oh, crap.

I want to blame the fact that I’ve been riding more at spin class lately than on the road. No need for a helmet and gloves at spin class. (Can you imagine? I already look silly enough walking around the gym in my clicky shoes.)

But I know better.

A week ago, I thought it would be a good idea to dig up and interrogate some of my deepest, darkest demons, once daily for a week.

I really went all in.

I produced a lot of content in relatively little time, and what I wrote seemed to resonate with people. I felt like I was participating in a kind of mutual healing with a community of people who shared a previously hidden part of my world.

But all this communion came with a cost.

The first story had me up until almost midnight on Sunday, reaching back and dredging up old memories that would probably prefer to stay buried.

For most of the other stories, I managed to keep the actual writing confined to the few hours I’m able to set aside for work each day. But the emotional drain seeped out in all directions.

I do not have a one-track mind. My brain is like Grand Central Station, with dozens of tracks coming in and out at odd angles. And so, even as my body is at t-ball practice with my daughter or a comedy show with my husband, my brain is parallel-processing all the sludge I unearthed during my latest writing therapy session.

Writing is already an overtime calling, and I have a problem with boundaries.

I’m used to exercising daily at the gym and exorcising once weekly at my therapist’s office. I write when I can about what moves me, and when I finish a story, I feel satisfied and move on with life.

Like many writers, though, I possess more than a dash of obsessiveness. When a story idea calls to me, or when a line or scenario presents itself, I must get it down on paper right that second. It doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of the night, or if we’re watching the latest Marvel movie; I feel the need to record it so that I don’t forget it.

Ideas know not the constraints of business hours.

Compounded with this writerly compulsion was the fact that I was engaged in an ongoing project aimed at disassembling my psyche each morning and reassembling it each afternoon. All week, no matter what I was doing, my mind was constantly humming in the background, looking for hooks and storylines and patterns which would resonate with those who honor me by reading my work. I didn’t knowingly invite this tumult, but here it was, nonetheless.

Making a commitment to amble around in my messy mind for multiple days in a row was therapeutic and enlightening and horrifying, and it was also utterly exhausting. Knowing I wanted to deliver something meaningful the very next day meant every minute of work time was taken up with deep introspection.

Reading comments and seeing how much my words spoke to readers was exhilarating and also a little depressing, and the words — mine and theirs — stayed with me even during my off hours.

By the time Friday came, I was so drained I could barely function. I couldn’t hold a normal conversation, and constantly felt my attention drifting inward.

Some boundaries are in order.

In addition to all the essential truths I learned about myself, I also learned some things that I’ll be needing so that I can continue this journey of self-discovery through writing.

1. Set actual office hours.

I have a few hours a day to work. I wish I had more, but I don’t. In the future, hopefully, I will. In the meantime, the more I practice the art of compartmentalization, the better I’ll be at it. Setting dedicated office hours, and avoiding chasing notifications outside of those hours, will help.

2. Stop trying to multi-task.

When I don’t finish something, a bad habit I have from my early lesson planning days is telling myself that I can “think about it” while I do other things — usually driving or working out. And then I will try to get it all down on paper once I’m finished, usually at the expense of housework or being present with my family. I need to stop this. I have the luxury of being able to say to myself, “I can stop.” And so I should.

3. Redirect my attention to the present.

When my mind starts to wander, I need to notice it and bring my attention to what is right in front of me. The beauty of a gorgeous summer day; watching my children play in the yard; having coffee with a friend — all these things deserve my undivided attention.

4. Vary my writing time.

I can’t do the deep digging into my psyche every day. I tried, and it was too much. Also, I rather like writing about other things — parenting, funny anecdotes, life lessons, and of course fiction. I need to balance my time.

It’s hard to talk about mental health all the time. But that doesn’t mean we should stop doing it.

I am so, so happy that I achieved my goal of writing daily to bring attention to mental health issues, especially those that many of us faced in childhood. I feel honored and pleased to have expanded my network this week, and connected with so many people who share similar experiences to the ones I have had.

Mental health issues don’t go away, though, just because they’ve been spoken into the air. Talking about our own struggles sends others the message that it’s okay to talk about mental health. Telling our loved ones our needs shows them they can advocate for theirs as well. Being honest about our feelings and our shortcomings in front of our children lets them know it’s okay to feel things, too and that we can work through them together.

Thanks to those of you who have contributed to the conversation this week; I am truly humbled and grateful that you took the time to add your voices. We are all in this together, and we are stronger because of it.

Katrina Nutter, Barbara Henslee, Roz, Kayla Douglas, Carla Natali, Yomna El-Serafy, Shelly McIntosh, BabsBanana, Nanette M. Day, Gillian May, Amanda Dzimianski, Kristi Keller

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