Who?

Introduction to Chuck Roast

I guess I didn’t do it right the first time (Yeah, yeah, that’s what she said. . .)

Mmmmm! Don’t I look delicious?

I guess I am supposed to introduce myself in an article? This is one of those time I shoulda’ bookmarked the article, but didn’t.

Some of you guys wrote really short intros. How’d you do that? I gotta work on my brevity, man.

This Is Me

Yes, Charles “Call me Chuck” Roast is my real name. Well, one of them. I also write under a different personality who is a bit of a stick in the mud, and his name is kinda, well, blah.

When I say Chuck is real, it’s because he is the other half of my extremely diverse split personality. He is funny, sometimes too sarcastic, loves satire, but doesn’t mean to hurt people’s feelings. My other half is a little more steady, some say boring and too analytical. But his sense of humor is pretty good, too, if not a little more sophisticated.

So, call me Chuck.

A Description of Him/Me and How He/I Appear/s in His/My Own Mind

Chuck Roast is a rich cut of beefy manly goodness. He is 6'4" and 250 pounds of semi-flaccid muscle under something of a cuddly Dad-Bod.

He comes from the America’s Midwest, where men were named after the best cut of beef, and women liked their men big and beefy. Chuck is a cut that is tough and (not too)fatty, yet full of humor, love, and laughter. He becomes very tender under gentle prodding.

He is easy and eager to please, and loves to make people (especially The Lay-deez) laugh out loud. He is never compared to other beef cuts, because there are no others like him. Thus, he proudly wears his Dad-Bod in t-shirts that are too small for him and overalls with lots of pockets to carry stuff.

Recipe to Make Chuck Happy

• If cooking for Chuck, make lots of meat, potatoes and fresh veggies.
• If Chuck is cooking, offer to help, then have fun in the kitchen. Don’t worry about the results. It’s “dessert” that’s important to Chuck, if you get my drift.

• If you like your Chuck happy, say nice things to him, tell him about your day, then listen and ask questions when he tells you about his. Chuck believes in two-way streets.
• If you want to get Chuck ready for the bedroom, let him take a nice, long nap on the sofa with his dog cuddling next to him. Wake him gently by whispering funny things in his ear and rubbing his Buddha belly clockwise. Maybe a little scratch behind the ear, as well. he also wouldn’t mind you joining him for a cuddly nap (with the dog, of course).
• In the bedroom, make sure the extra supports are under the bed and head board is moved away from the walls. Hopefully the kids are out of the house. If not, give them permission to play R-rated X-Box games with their headphones on and their doors closed and you’ll have all the privacy you need.
• Chuck likes to go to movies, and live theater, especially musicals. He likes restaurants, but prefers home cooked meals. You can make fun of him, but he is so confident, he’ll laugh right along with you, then tell you to be respectful. Don’t even think of criticizing his family.
• Chuck likes big family gatherings at the beach and on holidays, but he doesn’t like it when people get drunk and act stupid, especially in front of the kids who are present. He’ll give you a ride home, whether you like it or not.
• Chuck likes long walks on the beach in the moonlight. If beaches and moonlight aren’t available, a short walk under the streetlights to the nearest pub will work just as well.

Chuck is fairly easy going, but quick to get to the boiling point when he sees an injustice.

Chuck is fiercely protective of his family, older people, children, ladies, and people being bullied.

Chuck hates bullies. Chuck has been known to intervene when he sees bullying of restaurant workers, clerks, or other hard-working service workers. He makes no apologies for it.

Chuck, unfortunately, is having some family troubles right now, which he talked about in an article that was very personal. You can read it here: My Definition of Dad-Bods is Probably Not What You Think. It was published by Chuck, who runs his own publication called Dad-Bods. Feel free to submit.

Some of Chuck’s other articles are:

Editors Should Edit, Readers Should Comment and Writers Should Listen published on MuddyUm.

Quick! Finish the Story. I Have to Poop, also published on MuddyUm.

Just Call Me Homo “Erectus”, published in Rogues’ Gallery.

In the Beginning

When Chuck started writing on Medium, he had the help of several mentors, who all happen to be lovely ladies and are now Honorary Dad-Bods, and official friends of his.

Here are some, but not all, of the Lay-Deez that he truly appreciates:

Susan Brearley runs a Medium publication called MuddyUm. She’s a great writer and treated me with kid gloves and printed many of my first stories. Not only are her stories on there, but she has a lot of talented writers who have great stories on there as well. Check her out, please.

Julia E Hubbel is a fire brand. She is hot and sassy, and has white pubic hair. I know this because she just wrote about it in the absolutely hilarious and, um, revealing, article, Waxing Poetic About the Bearded Lady. Julia has balls, and I don’t mean like my wife, who has mine in a jar on her desk. No, Julia is extremely forthright and speaks her mind, which is what I love about her writing. She is a prolific writer with many articles on Illumination. She also wrote a very moving article in response to my article above, called Profile of a Dad (With a Bod) in the publication Age of Awareness. I truly love her for this.

Sherry McGuinn is another mentor of mine. She runs a publication called Rogues’ Gallery and is an editor of several others, including The Partnered Pen, The Narrative, and a few others. Sherry has spent some very valuable time mentoring me, and I truly appreciate her for that.

Kristi Keller has become a confidante and, of course, a friend. We email back and forth and support each other’s stories. She has written some great ones, like one of her latest, Walking Out of a Prison into a Pandemic. It’s a very heart-felt story about having a loved one in prison at a time like this, and being unable to know they are safe. She has written many other articles like the other friends and mentors I have made on here, and I am trying to keep up with their crazy writing prolificacy (I know. Not a word, right?) Um, profligation? Prolificatation? Okay, they write a crazy lot of stories.

There are many others, as well as so many new friends that have been so kind to me on Illumination, especially Dr. Illumination himself.

I gotta say, though, I really appreciate the Doc and all the work he has put into this. I am watching closely so I can learn how he does it.

So, listen. I went over my word limit a little. Sorry about that. So, until next time,

Write On! And Stay Safe! Email me if you get lonely and want to talk: [email protected]

Peace and Love, Chuck Roast