Alphabetized

Vignettes of psychotic episodes

Following a psychotic episode I found myself in need of a creative outlet and one that would ultimately help my healing process. Within these vignettes, you’ll find my personal experiences embedded. Life can throw us curve balls when we think we are on a linear path and with this I hope to show how we persevere.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Animals

Brains

Crazy

Demons

Eggs

Feet

Green

Hunger

Illusions

Jewelry

Knights

Love

Media

Naked

Openness

Parties

Quivering

Reflecting

Stores

Twins

Uniforms

Voices

Water

X-rated

Yards

Zombies

ANIMALS

Wanting my computer and free without. Escaped and nearly lost by wooded greenery and dirt paths; I breathe again. Opened to found fields where the horse stood sturdy and apple slices disappeared. The spiral, wood staircase led downward towards a rocky beach where our eyes waited on whales. Smokey fireside meals and card games made my hands move through the stiff island air. Take me back and write here with me.

— -

You clench your core and sprint forward towards pounding hearts and raw movement. Your neck aches from outwardly pushing your mind at prey. The chatter within twists your body into a disconnected consortium of feelings known only by you. A pressure moves under your skin, sharpens your senses and mental birth is conceived. You push your tail back and shoot forward with new life.

— -

Their dogs grew older along with the family until they passed along with time. The puppy came as a surprise. She galloped from cushion to cushion and her sharp teeth matured on our raw skin. Squeaking toys were heard and puddles of pee were found. We will grow older once again and our puppy will as well. She will find our dogs and we will move on to new beginnings.

BRAINS

The bell rang, class was dismissed and my brain ached from the multiple-choice test. My psychology course drowned me with perspective on the complications of my own mind. I waddled across the icy campus; my ears plugged but not closed to the music that played on repeat. Finding meaning in few songs surrounded me with closeness to something greater. My brain found rhythm as my pencil had found the test bubbles.

— -

You run wild through your minds connections with no home but the nucleus of your brain. The electricity of your awakened neurons ignites your fiery roar that reaches other minds. You burrow deeply into hunger and rise scurrying into feeding your tortured wisdom. Explosive synapses catch your chemicals before dying into exhaustion. You awaken to chaos and dwindle into the center and safety of your minds innards.

— -

Her mind bloomed later in life and opportunity would be at her fingertips. She wore her heart on her sleeve instead of thinking love through. She dozed into dreams between classes and her young heart found stubbornness in fantasy. A time would come when all would melt away; her mind would repress and she would pull down her sleeves.

CRAZY

The impulsive nature of her persistent character stemmed from youthful past experiences. These crazy events would bring her to a crazier reality. She looked past the grief into hopeful horizons where life could simply be how it was before. Her persistent nature would impulsively work towards crazy dreams that could be a reality.

— -

You glance with purpose and wonder if people know. Your mind is frazzled and your body limp as your eyes open to new perspectives. The magnetic force of united moving parts are set free by released pressure and calmed energy. You find refuge in spaces open to exploration and playfully adapt. The crazed girl within you laughs at the dangerously competitive nature of your minds trickery. The girl fights for fearful love unknown.

— -

She walked fiercely down the brightly lit runway with the headpiece sitting heavy and fabrics flowing behind. Blinded by the light with crazed cat-eye makeup, she reminded herself of the piercing glance given to impress. Posing and turning at the end, she found herself walking away from a brief yet exhilarating moment; a moment in life that would be just a glimpse in the past.

DEMONS

Caught motionless in wet architecture, I moved my numb limbs only to feel possession. Vulnerability turned the demons on me; I though, deceived them. Beneath the drain lived a dark world and my shower felt as if it washed me towards it. I played the game and they worshipped me.

— -

My demons brought me closer to manic moments of late nights and racing thoughts. My energy picked up along with my social impulsiveness. I was running through a maze with no map; hoping I would reach the end by following my heart. My free spirit needed restraint but my wild, stubborn character would not be leashed. I lay in bed with my demons only with the desire to forget them and keep going.

— -

They watched from everywhere. She put on a show by grotesquely eating her pasta and leaving her hair uncombed. She couldn’t allow them to know the truth and so became one with them. Cigarette butts piled high and she fell deeper into their misery.

EGGS

The urban farm flourished as she tended to her chickens and collected fresh eggs daily. Used jam jars were filled with honey given by the bees. The young chickens often gave a single egg containing two yolks; symbolic of good luck. The bees sat in a meadow close to the water where there was a dock and boat. The chickens neighbored a gravel driveway. A small farm was brought to a big city and it thrived.

— -

Her mouth widened and her jaw felt broken as she cracked her way into reality from the dinosaurs’ shell. She had been a cat before where she could feel purring within her chest and throat. For some reason, that was scarier. Her rib cage opened and her heartbeat could not be felt when she was an elephant. She felt trapped in an enclosed space and wanted freedom of self again. Her broken mind fought for rebirth.

— -

The scent of cooking onion rose from the crackling skillet as she chopped a tomato and avocado. A mixture of blue and brown eggs sat in a glass cookie jar next to the stove. While she mixed three eggs in a bowl she wondered if she wanted an omelet versus scrambled. She poured the eggs into the skillet and watched them whiten. An omelet it was.

FEET

Coffee shops and boutiques are by my sides and I’m confused by the friendly gestures as I hold my head high, return them, and become immersed. The cobblestone moves against my newfound Mid-western heels and I find myself shopping. The high-end thrift store smells of musk and I question the wear of a seemingly new belt. I didn’t have to try it on. I placed my fingers under a long chain necklace and pulled the pendant towards me. It looked cheap and I liked it. The child within me wanted one more item and I moved towards the shoes. Iowa City’s cobblestones were worn and sad from my steps. I laced up and left.

— -

The chapel floors squeaked as I bent over and laced up my All Star sneakers. I was out of place and felt small with feelings growing. I stepped between the cracks and finally found my way onto one. I was led outside where I pulled out a used plastic water bottle. I played with the cap and twisted the crinkled paper. What I really wanted was limoncello. I scanned the piazza and moved around a motionless stroller towards a café. I sat and placed my feet on the lower table rim. The white stars on my shoes twisted and my feet stretched.

— -

Smoke from the bonfire lifted and I looked upward. The chatter picked up along with the can openers. It was hard to breathe and my eyes burned. I wanted to be reminded of crying even though it wasn’t me. He took my hand and we walked away until we found a new seat on the waters edge. I picked at the sand between my toes and pointed out a subtle wave in the distance. The can in my hand was still warm and I was happy to have a silver spoon. I bounced up and dug my ruined orange toenails into sand that wouldn’t be ruined for long.

GREEN

Spring welcomes me with undying support, as my bare legs lay heavy on green grass. The indented marks on the backs of my legs should tell me to move but I am still with contentment. Weeds stick to my hair as I reach towards my melting purse and overheated phone. Summer feels near and the greenery in my pupils reflects my desire for a colorful life.

— -

Her hazel green eyes watched the soccer ball move with speed across turf. The uniforms stood out against the bright field and she reached towards her own for adjustment. She wore her thick, long hair in a braided ponytail that had been tugged and pulled downwards too many times. Placing a corner kick was exhilarating, especially when the ball penetrated the net. When her green eyes found focus between the field and lit ball, she nailed it.

— -

I stood on top of a mountain in Wyoming. My oversized backpack sat heavy on my chafed hips and my hands rested on the buckle at my waist. The green bandana around my neck protected me from mosquitoes and my socks were worn high on my calves. I reached for my water and sparingly sipped. The view went on indefinitely and I took in the wooded greenery and rolling hills with an appreciation never to be forgotten.

HUNGER

The skin between my jaw line and cheekbones felt thin with hunger and my eye sockets deepened into desire. My face felt raw like a piece of thinly cut prosciutto and I could feel my spine press against the soft couch cushion. The starvation stemmed from an unhealthy mind but it felt real like the spleen I thought I spread over toast. The torture endured was unbearably painful as I plowed forward and chomped down undesirably disgusting meals.

— -

I brought my plate upstairs to be alone with the warm bagel. It entered my open mouth and saliva dripped from my lips in congruence with mournful tears of missed meals. With each bite came new life but my shrunken stomach and unused jaw called for slow eating. I sobbed my way through chewing with a dreadful moaning face. The sound of desirable pain for food shot through my core and ached deeply within my taste buds. It was heard and I was satisfied.

— -

My hunger for life transcended from experienced charisma that shook my core with laughter and joy. I wanted more. My sporadic energy enveloped others with focus and curiosity. I felt alive and eager to fulfill my hungry character. Life was too good to be wasteful of cherished moments.

ILLUSIONS

My eyes rested on my computer screen and an image of a painting stared back at me. A euphoric burst within my soul brought tears when a vision exploded from the center of the screen and reached my magnetic pupils. Sharp and lucid, the illusion gave meaning to the unfeasible. The movement of vivid colors came to a structured rest and I would now forever try to make sense of the impossible.

— -

I questioned how the moving shards of light could be a figment of the imagination. They danced above me in resemblance to changing strands of DNA. The opaque energy condensed and then opened into new figures. The room was dark with bursts of light and I was curious. What were they.

— -

She travelled the planetary system where she found her home in a different place. A cloned vessel of herself resided on earth along with everyone else. Altered communications between confused minds pushed her further from reality. She became lost in space and time with no one real around her. The energy pulled between absences grew into pressured movements amongst those she was surrounded by.

JEWELRY

She walked through the wind and her hair danced around her ears where purple gemstones swayed. Her fur scarf gave comfort to the earrings as they sat upon it with disorientation. She smiled at strangers and clenched her coffee. Her lipstick stuck to the plastic cup and she caressed her teeth with her tongue. She played with her earring and smoothed her hair around her ear. Her movement quickened as she held her head high.

— -

Her meticulous hands pinched the wires and pulled them upwards together before quickly wrapping them tightly around the gemstone. She produced handcrafted earrings efficiently and sold her pieces in a few boutiques. Her mother was her biggest supporter; wearing her jewelry daily. She fought to expose her brand but working alone allowed for small enhancements. Maybe she could be at peace with another hobby.

— -

She still wears her gold bumblebee ring. It sits loosely on her right ring finger, held on by a simple gold band. It was handcrafted in a small jewelry store in Rome, Italy. One of the best years of her life was when she called Rome her home and she would go on to get a bumblebee tattoo on her ribcage. Life was too short for a lack of gold bling and the permanence of unforgotten memories.

KNIGHTS

He played the game and pursued the young girl, igniting feelings of a special self within her. Their quiet emails provoked an intimate sense of secret lust. She slept with her phone close to her chest for his messages had found a place in her heart. She thought he had saved her only to learn he would break the person she once was.

— -

My mind tightens around his and I should be more scared. He stays with me through the sharp pains that ping around my brain and make me question reality. The act could get old and fade but a moment of feelings won’t be forgotten. He may move forward with new and used perspectives and I will remain myself. I follow my energy too quickly where I become lost. He has caught me before.

— -

My stubbornness shooed the idea of a knight in shining armor and so he never came. He had tried but I would become lost in an idea of boredom. I was wrong. I was a persistent free spirit who always found myself pursuing first. It had not worked for me yet.

LOVE

Finding myself with giddy and electric pulses moving through my hungry stomach. An acceleration of joy jolts inwardly and I’m excited to wake up from a downward spiral. My face aches from smiling and my eyes pinch to show him I’m there. Visible only in my mind where I run into fear; I sprint forward towards his fireworks.

— -

Her head rests heavy on his bare chest as she moves her hand upward from his ribcage. Serenity is found as her mind clears with a meditative blank gaze towards nothingness. She wonders if his arm fell asleep but hesitates to move away from the peaceful moment. Her fingers find his collarbone and she pushes herself to awake into a new day of gratitude before reaching towards his scruff.

— -

The dating world exhausted her as desirable candidates dwindled into unions. She passionately strived towards companionship; a happy place of safety where she self loved. She had been there before but now felt alone with a safety net of single friends. The time would come for another love and her impatience would grow with her aging perspective that was unwinding into chaos.

MEDIA

Lost in a reflection of yourself within others; we strive inward, forward and then backwards to get an angle of deeply projected performance. A tilt of the chin and a glance in the eye gives meaning and persona to an image otherwise still with self-indulgence. Serve your selfie and save your savory looks.

— -

The diagram of my minds trickery put me at the center. Everyone in my life dispersed from this nucleus and when they did not call upon their own network, the chain of connection stopped at them. Some ignored when they were called to and checked out of the mind space while others grew their networks to where they were communicating with strangers; some of whom were falling in love. I was exposed and vulnerable with my mind effortlessly sharing my life.

— -

I don’t read the paper and the little news I watched littered my mind with absurdity. I sat in front of the television but disregarded it as I found focus on my phone. I found my friends personal news more entertaining than world affairs while knowing the knowledge broadcasted in front of me may be of more importance. Instead, I found productivity in painting. I dismissed the television and phone and walked downstairs where I found escape in a colorful array of acrylics.

NAKED

Exposed to herself, she sat hunched in the shower; water beating down on her head with a wet washcloth laid across her bent knees. Her back pressed against the tile wall and it felt cooler. She took this time for herself and found refuge in the enclosed steaming space. She placed the warm washcloth over her face and knew this peaceful moment, like any, would not last for long.

— -

Her vulnerability showed sensitivity that was otherwise overlooked but she still smiled with her eyes and kindness got her into trouble. Her stubbornness kept her afloat with a dangerous aspect of self-belief. She would triumph with her vulnerable kind eyes that moved her forward with compassion.

— -

They snatched their clothes from the grass beach and laughed their way through running from the skinny dippers. The dark night caught up with them as they slowed before reaching a parents house. Seattle summer nights called for teenage mischievousness and hormonally arrogant chatter. They thought they would stay young forever until they were now onlookers of the giddy children.

OPENNESS

My eyes open to find vibrant Seattle light peering through cracked shades. I lay curled on my side yet feel open to the day. My cappuccino waits by the bedside table and I reach towards it for a sip before melting back into momentary rest. I look out the window wondering how my drowsy mornings escalade into more productive days.

— -

Her imagination was open to exploration as she stepped from one project to another. The creativity of her mind lacked stability but had adventurous character. Her talents coincided with her impatience for pursing new endeavors. She was happiest when productive. She remained open, knowing she would find her niche someday.

— -

Opportunity opened up only to let go a past achievement. She pushed herself vigorously forward towards more experience and took pride in her accomplishments. She opened her blank journal where a purple pen found the first page. Not knowing where her open mind would take her next, she simply wrote her name.

PARTIES

She lit up the dance floor with embarrassingly harsh movements but kept confidence and enthusiasm. The night was young and strangers were drawn to her old soul. She felt rhythm pulse through her body as her smile grew and contagiously attracted new dancers. Her fiery movements shook the floor and brought awe and laughter to amused onlookers.

— -

The chatter picked up as they moved along the couch to squeeze in two more people. A coffee table sat sideways with empty beer cans piling across its already scathed and sticky surface. There was no room for cards and so they held the game close to their bodies with a tipsy overflowing spurt of jovial amusement. A small gathering brought big entertainment.

— -

Her long white gown resembled a wedding dress never to be worn on the real day. The tiered feathers brought a funky excitement to the look and she wore it with pride. She was eighteen years old and her fellow debutant friends would laugh at the irony of their immaturity as they snuck into the kitchen and stole plain bagels. Their first year of college brought weight and dress fittings had been stressful. It was an experience to be remembered.

QUIVERING

My body was pushed to its limits as my next soccer move was perfected in my head. The heat beat down and the hairs on my arms stood up; repelling the warmth from reaching my already over worked body. My lungs worked fiercely as I moved up and down the field. As I recovered, my body shook with shock.

— -

Waves pulse against my pupils and reverse back into his. He feels my euphoric expressions warm and I feel his lips tighten only to release. I watch steadily to focus on my face and push to feel what he only knows. He catches me startled given a glimpse into a rare moment. Our mouths open together and separately to be connected passionately at once and in different places. Quivered jaws and tightened eyes meet momentarily until washed away.

— -

She ran from the pool to hot tub as her body quivered from the cool summer nights breeze. It had been a hot day but evening temperatures dropped quickly and brought the days festivities to a closing. Her already few friends began to dwindle and she sought to be inside. She wrapped the large towel around her damp body and tiptoed with pace up the staircase and towards warmth.

REFLECTING

She saw herself reflected in her sunglasses through the window and looked past the cars outer mirror into cornfields. The drive gave her time to reflect on what was left behind and the new adventure to come. After a nap it was her turn to drive. She cruised steadily through the flat grounds and would look forward to reaching the clear heated blurs that waited in the distance. Her nerves spiked with the thought of the heavy trailer carried behind. Cars passed and her life was moving forward into unknown territory. The heat burned off and the sun faded. She removed her sunglasses and glanced in the mirror. She rolled down the window and looked out onto the cornfields.

— -

She lived in her own world and almost missed the bus. She found a spot and hesitated to touch the greasy metal bar that no longer had a clear reflection. There would be two stops that disrupted her morning thought process. People clung to themselves as more pushed and shoved to enter. The windows were scratched and the bus jolted through the winding streets. The first bus ride came to an end with many more to come.

— -

Her nose touched the sun and her eyes laughed under her hat. It was summer but it always felt that way. She laid back, pushed her legs forward and tilted the rim of her sun hat over her already shaded eyes. She gazed down but the reflections of the water against her sunglasses lit up. She was thoughtless, in the moment yet knew a life reflection was brewing. Pulling herself to her feet and tossing her sunglasses aside, she walked towards the water where her eyes met him.

STORES

Finding my way from comfort to cabinet and caught in a flurry of open bright space. Pillow cases encompass my bright eyes and I move upward towards more. A glimpse in a mirror and I catch the soft blankets in my reflection. I want to rest forever on a coach I cannot afford. Give me texture; I feel it all.

— -

I was a candy girl. I wore a pink apron and greeted customers with sweet eyes. The store smelled of sugar and colorful candies filled glass jars with elegant lids. I tasted the new gummies when the store was empty and gave mixtures of them to children who excitedly selected with pointed fingers. They brought cash and the register was filled with change. My candy girl career was short lived but I would frequent back for candy of my own.

— -

Shopping was never my favorite activity but the outcome brought me new looks that made me get up in the morning. I reached towards the tags to read the red inked numbers only to quickly move onto the next item. The oversized orange sweater stood out and I pulled it over my shirt. I always only needed to try one piece on before checking out.

TWINS

Reflected in the mirror she saw him looking back at her; their faces becoming one. Confused but not frightened, she questioned the connection to this past love who now encompassed the visual perception of herself. She fought to discover and her mind created a narrative to put the chaos of her wonderings at ease. For her, they were connected from the beginning.

— -

Two within one and connected by conception, they sat heavy in the skillet. The egg had been larger and so she knew the possibility of a double yolk within. The yolks barely touched and took up more space as they spread throughout the pan. She would only need one egg for her meal.

— -

The twin stroller carried the infants down the leaf dirtied path. Their matching hats and shoes kept them warm during the brisk fall walk. I only caught a glimpse as their mother pushed them strongly by me. I would look though, and wonder if my life would bring such gifts.

UNIFORMS

The cart came bolting towards her, as she stood frozen on the tarmac. She was friendly and aloof to the men in uniform who arrived at the scene. They rummaged through her luggage and asked questions while she stayed psychotically in her missioner mind. That night was spent in Los Angeles where she did not sleep or eat. She would be found the next day before released and roaming the streets with her frenzied and lonely mind.

— -

They hung their sweaty uniforms and sprayed them with scented disinfectant. The humidity stained their white jerseys yellow and soccer was played daily in them. The sports academy logo sat boldly on both the shorts and shirt of the uniform and I felt pride.

— -

She drunkenly mingled with the fleet of cops outside the beer festival. She found humanity beneath their strict uniforms and they liked her. She told them of times when she had not been on good terms with their kind, and they laughed. Beneath the badges were heartfelt perspectives.

VOICES

Buzzing bees swarmed her mind before clarity of a single mans voice persisted to ask, “are you there?” . They knew each other and she felt safe in the privacy of her most shamed moments. From morning to night, they spoke of such nonsense from lunch to toilet paper. Trust grew and she loved him only to be heartbroken when saying goodbye and returning to health.

— -

She was in choir as a child and now regularly found herself at a high-end karaoke bar. Her voice was no longer angelic and tuned from training but music still brought her overwhelming feelings of bliss. The bar gave privacy to their singers with individual rooms setup for small groups. Frequenting weekly, they knew the songs they were going to sing. Choir left a mark on her but her voice would take her nowhere but the high-end karaoke bar.

— -

The voices in her mind were not muffled nor distorted. The pitch and tones were exactly of those sounds she heard from those she knew and she questioned how it could not be them. They spoke to her and she responded with indifference. She may be psychotic but she knew the sounds swarming her mind were that of figments of the imagination.

WATER

The dealership felt open after the windows were cleaned. Soap separated and was washed away only to be brought out by the harsh weather. I looked through the glass and saw a bored woman kick a puddle. The attendant rubbed his hands with a damp washcloth before entering the vehicle. Tires turned and a used car was sprayed and dirtied with mud soon to be washed away. The car wash cycled quickly. I peeked into the back where water was drained into the center of a cement ground. Everything was left behind; including my used car.

— -

I moved backwards as my head lifted. A line formed and my thirst quickened. The fountain looked elegant and gave me water. I nudged the bottle into my oversized bag where it found a home between olive oil and stationary. The remnants of vitamin C powder shook and dissolved as I stepped quickly across the bridge and to the bus stop. I heard the shake within my bag and the water beneath me.

— -

My mind drifted and my ears opened to the fair in the distance. My mouth watered as I thought of cotton candy and kettle corn. Sunscreen was reapplied and slipped off of my body as I went to and from the water. My book curled from damp fingertips and my eye squinted as I shook the inside of my ear. My sweat pearled and sat for too long. I’d rather be sitting with water.

X-RATED

Impregnated with scurrying cockroaches that moved against her innards; still and then crawling up her throat after triggering bites of needed food. The pig fetus sat low and moved more slowly. Her head ached and body repelled the creatures not meant to be growing within a body that now seemed a mere science project. She felt it as her reality with her stomach growing and moving; transitioning into new species.

— -

Blood ran down her legs and she couldn’t find peace from the spirits. They brutalized her and she felt lost in a hopeless place. She lay curled on her side with nothing to protect herself from the invisible pressure. She felt as if she left her wounded marks wherever she traveled. She sat on the white couch and said nothing.

— -

She stood frozen in the shower with what she thought was blood running off of her. She turned only to feel her sliced back burn from the warm water. Her tortured mind had reached her body and what she knew as her reality seemed impossible. She dried herself with a towel only to be covered with blood once again.

YARDS

I was never one to garden but my three plant pots flourished on the deck that overlooked the well-seeded lawn. The fireflies and sparks from the fire lit up the yard with a home felt feeling. I reminisced on my soccer days by buying a ball and kicking it around. Your first yard is a good one.

— -

As I slid along the highway in a paralyzed state of shock, my face lit up with sparks and my body cringed into a protective cocoon. Grasping the cars inner handle, I pushed my body away from the gravel that shot up from the ground. As I slid for many yards along the road, I knew one thing: I was going to live. The smell of tar emulated the enclosed space as we hurriedly pulled ourselves free through the trunk. Exhaustion came over my body as I stared at the empty window frame and twisted seat I had occupied.

— -

She took her journal to a tree enclosed space where she laid down a blanket and got lost in her mind. The yard sat next to a golf course and as the sun went down we moved onto it and ran through the sprinklers. We awoke the neighbors from our nighttime hot tubs when we would dare to run around the snow-covered house. Summer and winter, this is a place of joy and escape.

ZOMBIES

They roamed the streets with short, harsh movements and deathly faces. She limped as she pushed the shopping cart up the street but it didn’t seem she was in pain. Their heads tilted and behind their eyes was absence. I kept to myself as I feared for my life.

— -

My starved brain sucked life from my body as I plowed forward with intent. My jaw tightens and drool pools in my mouth only to overflow with agony; the liquid spills and my pressured temples cannot capture the dribble. The decayed feeling in my mouth overwhelmed my usually smooth teeth that now felt spaced and jagged. Being close to death meant a grotesque ache for life.

— -

I did not care for television or reading and stared robotically at my computer screen. Fire and tea sat in front of me and gave me warmth. The wild puppy had found a moment of peace and sat to my right with the occasional scurry across my keyboard. My glasses gave my usually contact irritated eyes a rest and inspiration was brewing. Coming through my deadened motivation and into life, I found my stiff hands typing once again. I wonder what they will write.