Introducing Simple Thirteen-Step Authentication to Prove You’re a Human

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fuming, too. Because fuming is the fifth step.</li><li>We really hope you already made an appointment and spoke to your family therapist about this and cried the entire session. If you haven’t cried and/or complained over something you can’t control, are you even a human?</li><li>Now how hard was it? Not a rhetorical question. Answer us. Seriously, say it out loud. We can hear you.</li><li>Excellent! We’ve placed a red envelope under the kitchen sink for further authentication. NOT your kitchen sink. Under your first-ever ex’s sink. Exes from kindergarten obviously count. Find out her current house address. Book an Uber ride. No rush, really!</li><li>Good! Found the envelope, yet?</li><li>Bravo! If you’ve already opened the envelope, PLEASE note it will self-destruct within two seconds. We’re kidding. You should’ve seen your face. Actually, go see your face in the mirror. Great!</li><li>There’s absolutely nothing in the red envelope. Now you know, too. BUT — right next to the mirror, we’ve placed a real dog — GOLD color. Touch the middle of the dog’s face — with the middle of your face — for six seconds. Alright! That’s enough.</li><li>Drink red wine with your ex. White wine is fine, too.</li><li>Contemplating getting back together with your toxic ex? Contemplate. Also? Make your ex contemplate, too.</li></ol>You’re pathetic and desperate. You’re manipulative and naive at the same time. That’s impressive.Congratulations! You ARE a human. Pat yourself on the back.Want to prove to us you’re a superhuman? Read ANY of the below — WITHOUT crying and/or complaining. You can absolutely fume, though:<div id="0fb4" class="link-block">

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We’ve placed a red envelope under the kitchen sink

We’ve sent you a thirty-seven-digit verification code to your Gmail.

Receive it successfully. That’s the first step. It’s that simple.

Open your Gmail. ONLY on your MacBook Pro. If you don’t have a MacBook Pro, too bad. Buy one. Borrowing either from your neighbor or a friend who’s not your neighbor doesn’t count. We’ll know if you even think about borrowing one, let alone actually begging and/or stealing one. MacBook Air obviously doesn’t count either. What are you, 2?

Almost forgot. Please note that the verification code we’ve sent is valid for ONLY seventy-two weeks. We’re kidding. Seventy-two minutes.

Please enter that verification code on your phone, with your eyes closed — AND by placing your phone upside down. You better be having iPhone 14 Pro Max — GOLD color.

We hope you’ve memorized that thirty-seven-digit verification code like the back of your hand. You might have thought about taking a screenshot of the code because humans, after all, are clever. Or at least supposed to be. You probably did take a screenshot. It wouldn’t have mattered. Because the email along with the device would’ve self-destructed by now — with clouds of fumes. Did we not tell you that before? We hope you’re fuming, too. Because fuming is the fifth step.

We really hope you already made an appointment and spoke to your family therapist about this and cried the entire session. If you haven’t cried and/or complained over something you can’t control, are you even a human?

Now how hard was it? Not a rhetorical question. Answer us. Seriously, say it out loud. We can hear you.

Excellent! We’ve placed a red envelope under the kitchen sink for further authentication. NOT your kitchen sink. Under your first-ever ex’s sink. Exes from kindergarten obviously count. Find out her current house address. Book an Uber ride. No rush, really!

Good! Found the envelope, yet?

Bravo! If you’ve already opened the envelope, PLEASE note it will self-destruct within two seconds. We’re kidding. You should’ve seen your face. Actually, go see your face in the mirror. Great!

There’s absolutely nothing in the red envelope. Now you know, too. BUT — right next to the mirror, we’ve placed a real dog — GOLD color. Touch the middle of the dog’s face — with the middle of your face — for six seconds. Alright! That’s enough.

Drink red wine with your ex. White wine is fine, too.

Contemplating getting back together with your toxic ex? Contemplate. Also? Make your ex contemplate, too.

You’re pathetic and desperate. You’re manipulative and naive at the same time. That’s impressive.

Congratulations! You ARE a human. Pat yourself on the back.

Want to prove to us you’re a superhuman? Read ANY of the below — WITHOUT crying and/or complaining. You can absolutely fume, though: