INTRO TO: What Childhood Trauma Means For Some Of Us

…unabashed and unapologetic

“I am not what happens to me. I am what I choose to become.”

Carl Jung

“A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them. As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

Carl jung

I am open about the childhood trauma that I experienced growing up. All of the gory details may be a bit long winded for a medium article, but I feel they are important to express. So, perhaps I’ll put it in a book — a memoir of sorts. I have been warned, by earnestly sensitive people, that expressing such details is incredibly triggering and has the potential to send others who share the same tragedies of life into a downward spiraling sense of self. They may not be in a place yet to do anything about their unresolved traumatic experiences and rather than receive my expression in any liberating form, they would receive it in hopelessness upon hopelessness.

Perhaps this is true, for some. But what about the others?

I do not come from a place of victimhood, self-pity, escapism, blame, and the like. I come from a place of self-empowerment! Certainly that has to come across in my expression. There have been times where even a thought that fuels victimhood creates uneasiness in my nervous system and I immediately sense the vibration in my physical body. Very unpleasant feeling. It lets me know that I may be off track or in the presence of someone who holds closely a sense of defeat in their emotional body. For me, if the feeling does not linger while I am alone I know that it was someone else’s “stuff” and I entered into their energy field. We are all inextricably connected, and I find it imperative that we take into account the well being of others and understand the effects that we have on one another, scientifically and intuitively.

With that being said, I do question why anyone would feel the need to “blame” me for their triggers. I understand quite well that I don’t know what I don’t know. The subconscious is an incredibly powerful mechanism that drives us to behave in the most remarkable ways.

For example, from about 12 or so until I was 19 I suffered from suicidal tendencies. One failed suicide attempt, and many behaviors that screamed, “I don’t want to be here anymore! Just go ahead and kill me now!” I was very self absorbed in my suffering. But I had very little sense of self. Enough to keep me alive I suppose, but it led to me continually being physically and sexually abused, and emotionally neglected, by several adults in my family and their friends. The more of a victim I was, the more of a victim I became. I was swallowed up in the focus of suffering leaving little of me and more of them. I didn’t realize this was happening. Consciously I wanted them to back off! “Leave me alone and never put your sick, perverse hands on me again!” But, subconsciously I was drawing them in, leaving a lot of open space for them to fill. I have done quite a bit of work in healing my innermost being, by being honest with myself and piling on a ton of compassion with what I endured and how I responded to it. By no means, whatsoever, have I attained the epitome of healing and everything is sunshine and roses all of the time. With each moment that I sit still in the awareness of my being I sense some new facet of myself wanting to emerge and break through from the subconscious to the conscious, from the intuitive to the scientific of you will. I am in a constant state of learning new things about myself and others. What I have experienced up to this point, I am willing to share. If it helps you in any way, wonderful! If it triggers you and somehow I become your problem rather than your solution, I would respectfully ask that you sit with yourself and really hone in on what is actually taking place and ask yourself why you would you give me “your” power. For one, I am no one’s solution, to anything. My heartfelt intent is liberation from the shame, guilt, pain, suffering, unworthiness, lack of self, and heartbreak from the violation of our innocence. Liberation to be empowered, to express ourselves authentically, to hold our heads high in honor of our personal space, to live unabashed and unapologetic. Liberation to tell our story!

As children learning speech and formulating words, we begin to recognize ourselves as separate. Separate from mom (caregiver). That is “mom”, I am “Nicole. Separate from dad (caregiver). That is “dad”, I am “Nicole”. Separate from the ball. That is the “ball”, I am “Nicole”. We recognize, psychologically, through the use of words that we have our own space and sense of self. That is a very powerful recognition through communication. Shall we now not communicate because it is difficult for some to hear what we have to say? Does our silence not perpetuate the shame, guilt, pain, suffering, unworthiness, and most important in this context, the lack of self?

I would like to talk about my experience as an inspirational piece. It happens to be filled with tragedy and heartbreak that has led the way to the unfoldment of the subconsciously held liberation and empowerment that continues to be unearthed before my very being. It’s quite the journey, one that I am still on. As it unfolds and my sense of self becomes more and more conscious and identifiable through the use of words, I will write and share it with you, and who knows, maybe you will reciprocate. In my next piece I will do my best to give an abridged, broad version of the childhood trauma that I experienced. I will be as sensitive as I can to the needs of others with the full intent of being integral, short, and to the point.