Interview With a Dragon
[NB: This interview is a failure. I realize that after publishing it. They can’t all be winners, you know. I’m leaving it up. Read at your own risk.]
In an effort to garner some claps, I decided to pander to current tastes and interview a dragon. If you are new to Medium you may not be aware of the fact that, like Dr. Doolittle, I can talk to animals. If you are new to life you may not know who Dr. Doolittle is. That’s OK. I, for one, am charmed by Millennials. You folks have such nice hair.
I know next to nothing about dragons, but I remembered that they are connected to rivers. So I traveled to the headwaters of the Kenamu river where I found the dragon’s lair deep beneath a mountain. It was a large cave that smelled of fish and brimstone. In its center there was the most beautiful dragon sitting on a small pile of gold.
The Dragon: Hey, this is no small hoard you are looking at. Do you realize that on this 4 terabyte drive [the dragon fetched a small electronic device from the pile and held it up] I have more crypto-currency than all of the terrorists and drug dealers combined? I have enough wealth in this cave to make a Goldman-Sachs chairman cream his bag suit. I am rich beyond the limits of your diminutive imagination.
Gutbloom: I’m sorry. I just thought, based on the stories, that the pile would be larger.
The Dragon: Gold has a low melting point. You never thought of that, did you? Fart too much and you end up with a gilded floor. I keep this amount because I like the smell.
Gutbloom: Smell? What does gold smell like?
The Dragon: It smells like money. [when the dragon said the word “money” its eyes lit up like they hadn’t before]
Gutbloom: Shall we begin? My readers want me to interview a dragon because dragons are hot right now.
The Dragon: Dragons are always hot, dummy.
Gutbloom: I thought I would ask you some questions about dragons and your take on the HBO Series Game of Thrones.
The Dragon: Gutbloom, the stupidity of this interview is killing me. I am going to answer your next five questions without waiting for you to ask them.
- It depends on the need. Yes, we are fluid. Just call me, ‘The Dragon’.
- You mean, Game of Stupid? Of course. I already watched episode seven.
- Daenerys Targaryen, she looks yummy.
- Beyond insulting. Dragons can talk. What kind of name is “Drogon”? “Otto” would have been a better name. Why didn’t they use a real dragon instead of CGI? What a fucking bit-wash! Look, if your moronic friends Lon Shapiro and Josh H are in pain from the stupidity of the series, imagine what it is like for me.
- I called them morons. You are an idiot. Do you not understand the hierarchy of stupid?
Gutbloom: Wow. Was that some kind of dragon “magic”?
The Dragon: If you call understanding the observable universe “magic”, sure. Are we done yet?
Gutbloom: Why are you so eager to have this over with? Why did you agree to the interview if you are so smart that it causes you pain to talk to me?
[The dragon softened a bit. It put its head down, thought for a while, and then lifted its head up again and began condescending.]
The Dragon: I’ll try to explain. After a rain, the worms come out and crawl across the macadam. You were probably fascinated by watching them when you were a child. Not because they were doing anything interesting, but because they were doing anything at all. How does such a simple creature even find its way back into the dirt?
I would prefer to talk to other dragons, but other dragons are reclusive and hard to find. When we get together it is challenging. Sometimes I feel inadequate. Engaging worthwhile ideas, after all, takes effort. It’s a lot easier to sit here and talk to you.
You watch Game of Thrones, don’t you?
Gutbloom: I do.
The Dragon: And after every episode you go crazy with the stupidity of it all. You read your friends on the Internet and complain, complain, complain. Should you stop complaining?
Gutbloom: No, it’s my right to complain.
The Dragon: And there you have it!
Gutbloom: Oh, I see.
The Dragon: You do? Excellent. The intellectual Lilliputian has connected the dots. I may have to upgrade you from “idiot” to “imbecile”.
Gutbloom: Can I ask you a question about Trump?
The Dragon: I love Trump.
Gutbloom: Really?
The Dragon: Chaos is a financial ladder. The Dragon index is through the roof, suckers.
Gutbloom: Would you eat him?
The Dragon: [thinks for a bit] Yes, maybe, but not the boys. Donald Jr. and Eric looked diseased. On second thought, no. I wouldn’t eat Trump. That kind of shit is bad for the system. He would give me agita.
Gutbloom: Well, I can’t say this has been fun, but I thank you for your time.
The Dragon: Gutbloom, you are always welcome to crawl across my macadam. Come back whenever you like.
Others in This Series:
Interview With Athena Interview With a Cuttlefish Interview With a Pig An Interview With Procrustes An Interview With the Minotaur
