Integrity Starts and Ends With Self
Beware of the bullshit shadow side full of unicorns and rainbows
Integrity is an important characteristic. It’s a powerful concept. It starts and ends with one’s Self. It’s always the Self at the core of Integrity. Beware, though, as there is a lot of bullshit associated with this term. There is a shadow side to Integrity that not many discuss.
Let’s first explore some definitions.
Dictionary definitions suggest Integrity is:
- (a) firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values. Incorruptibility.
- (b) an unimpaired condition: Soundness.
- (c) the quality or state of being complete or undivided: Completeness.
A building or structure has integrity when it is strong and serves its purpose as a whole.
It’s not much different for people. Integrity is personal. To have integrity one must know what their values are. And, not just some loose sense of:
“Oh, my value is family and friends…”
Go deeper:
- What specific values about family? Why specifically those particular values about family or friends?
- What happens when your family or friend says or does something completely counter to your other values? Say, for example, honesty.
- What if you stand for anti-racist principles and your close friend says something overtly racist — what do you do?
- What if it’s a grandparent? A son?
- What if it’s your boss? The CEO? The VP of Human Resources?
One may find that their values are largely directed (maybe dictated) by Others around them. Values are deeply impacted by the Systems around us. These are the institutions and organizations — like the institution of marriage and the institution of family.
Surrounding our core Self, embedded within relationships with Others and Systems — are Structures. These are big-ticket items like Constitutions in a country, citizenship, the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and so on.
I am writing this story at a time when the World Cup of Soccer is on. There is a deep deep sense of national fervor and citizenship. These have an impact on an individual’s values systems.
Self-help blither blather
The ‘self-help’ section of many bookstores has grown substantially in the recent decade to two. There are some very helpful and integrity-filled books and self-help pundits.
But, there is also A LOT of Bullshit. This is extended online.
Any number of websites, books, and posts expounding on the importance of Integrity.
Act with integrity and your boss will notice it.
Be a leader with integrity and people will love you.
But, it’s not that simple.
Seems many people may lose track of where integrity starts… and… where it stops.
That’s why it’s often called: personal integrity.
Acting with integrity, leading with integrity, and living with integrity are all vitally important. However, the moment any one of us starts defining our integrity (our internal value systems) based on what other people think — we’ve lost the personal part of integrity.
Personal values
Our values system is like this image below, these are the steadfast anchors on the ocean floor that holds us in place.
The chain or rope that holds the buoy in place resembles our attitudes. Our day-to-day, minute-to-minute behaviours bounce around like a buoy on the top of the water.
Our behaviours are influenced by all sorts of things: physiological, psychological, cultural, and otherwise. This is like a buoy that is subject to wind, waves, currents, animals, and other factors on a moment-to-moment basis.
The chain or rope is impacted as well, just not as much — similar to our attitudes.
The anchor, our values system, is intended to hold everything firmly in place.
If someone does not have a strong value system or hasn’t spent the time to be clear on what that is, then it’s like having an anchor that’s too small to hold the buoy in place. There aren’t some core values to return to, to adjust attitudes and behaviours.
Without a deeper sense of values, it’s difficult to have deeper integrity. Our value system holds things firm. It’s the completeness and soundness inherent in the definition of Integrity.
- Do you have a strong sense of your values?
- Where do they come from?
- How do you enact them daily in your attitudes and behaviours?
- Do you know what the go and no-go zones are on your values?
Exploring these begins to add perspective to the shadow side of Integrity, which we’ll get to in a moment. Let’s take a look at where the word comes from.
Roots of the word: Integrity
The roots of the word (etymology) in English tell a curious story. One I was not aware of until I looked it up.
The word in English comes from Old French integrité and directly from Latin integritatem: “soundness, wholeness, completeness.”
This comes from integer, think: whole numbers, not fractions. The roots of integer come from ‘in-’ meaning: “not.” Plus the root of ‘tangere’ meaning: “to touch.”
The word ‘touch’, comes from the ancient Proto-Indo-European root *tag- “to touch, handle”. The word was used earlier in English as an adjective in the Latin sense, “whole, entire” (c. 1500).
All of this is to say, that to have INTEGRITY is about being whole. It’s about not getting divided up into fractions. It’s about being in touch. Being in touch with one’s core Self; being whole.
How do so many people get divided up into fractions?
Most likely, spending too much time worrying, thinking, and assuming what Others think of them. Or, investing too much energy and time into trying to fit into Others’ views, perspectives, and “shoulds.”
As in: “you should do that.”
Or worse, what each individual perceives (assumes) others’ views ‘might’ be about them.
Be those parents, family, friends, colleagues, bosses, religion/church, peers, or otherwise.
It is important to be open to feedback. To inquire and perception-check with others (from time to time). But… ultimately… Integrity starts and stops with one’s Self.
Building tools to have a strong shield and filter between our Self and Others is an important practice and skill.
Always stay in ‘touch’ with the Self. That’s integrity. Integrity to your Self.
If not, you then get to learn more about the shadow side of Integrity. The murky side where rainbows and unicorns lurk.
Integrity has a shadow side with unicorns and rainbows.
Like a full moon, integrity has a shadow side. That shadow side is where unicorns and rainbows lurk.
The unicorns and rainbows are what self-help gurus will spout off in books, online posts, and videos.
“Act with Integrity,” they say.
“Lead with integrity, you will inspire love and devotion.”
All potentially true, however, many then get stuck in a depressing cycle of trying to figure out how other people might define integrity.
More to the point — standing up for one’s values in many workplaces is a recipe for unemployment.
Sure, stand up for your values and fill yourself with Integrity… but if that runs counter to the boss’ reality… the results may not go well.
Standing up with integrity on some issues may in turn set someone up to be belittled, bullied, and harassed by others that do not share the same value system.
Some values that get adopted by some folks may be based on fake news or toxic leaders. Think of anti-vaccine protestors. Or religious viewpoints that promote hatred of other religions.
Certain brutal acts have been carried out in the name of people standing up for their “values”. The value of Freedom can mean many things to many people.
This is where the promotion of Integrity reeks of unicorns and toxic rainbows.
It’s never quite as simple as the self-help gurus make it.
What to do?
- Exploring, outlining, and defining your core values is invaluable. Don’t just define them in simple terms — get into it.
Explore where those values came from. Ask yourself at least 5 why’s.
Then when you are asked about your values, or, your values are challenged, you can clearly articulate the value, its components, and why you stand for it.
If it is in fact someone else’s value — like your parents — then reflect on that further. Maybe write it out.
2. Building a strong core sense of values, is often directly related to self-confidence, self-concept, and self-esteem.
Each of those three Self-focussed traits is built upon strong self-awareness. Self-reflection, often through writing (if possible) can be an excellent pathway to all of those.
Strong self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-concept often go hand-in-hand with assertiveness and the ability to speak up.
There are many ways to speak up. Assertively and respectfully is generally the most productive.
3. Strong core values are often directly related to responsibility and response-ability.
There are times when our internal value systems might clash within our Self.
For example, when I got married in 2009, we created an insta-family. I had a 2-year-old, my wife had a 2-year-old, and then we had a third in our first year of marriage.
My value of doing work with freedom and flexibility and lots of work outdoors — came to an end. I took administrative work in the public sector and kept at it for almost a decade and a half.
I over-doubled my salary over that period of time. Almost tripled. But my soul shrank. Why did I do it? Because the value of supporting family and being close to home while kids were young — won, over my value of freedom and flexibility.
Thankfully, I’ve just recently returned to a solopreneur journey and published a story about it on Medium.
Taking responsibility and the ability to have respectful responses — Response-ability — are closely connected to core Values.
What’s next?
Regular practice of writing can be an excellent method for exploring and defining values.
Remember that Integrity is based on values — your values, not anyone else’s. We can certainly become part of communal values, however, these still come back to the Self.
The black circle around Self in the images shared in this article — those are your filter. This can be a permeable filter, but make sure it’s you that defines what goes out and what comes in.
A strong value system is a key part of being a whole person, comprised of many parts. Be whole, not a fraction of your Self. Be in touch, as that is the root of Integrity.
Beware when you hear shallow descriptions and taglines about Integrity. It has a shadow side, and alas, there be rainbows and unicorns.