WRITING HUMOR

Inspiring Ways to Master Procrastination

Number three: Has anyone ever died from laughing too hard?

Thunder cracked and a thick, black fog rolled in. The temperature dropped from 85° F to 52° F in an hour. I’d already finished my “life” stuff for the day. And so, I threw on sweats and a hoodie and sat down with my laptop. My motivation had reached internet guru levels! The writing flowed out of me.

I finished one article and another. I wrote the first draft of a short story. Nothing could stop me. But, I felt lacking somehow. A nagging poked at the back of my brain. “What could be missing?” I wondered.

And then it hit me. I hadn’t spent any time scrolling through social media, or getting involved in discussing intricate stats theories with fellow writers. I’m a reigning queen of procrastination! How could I have let such a noble endeavor slip away?

I resolved to put my writing aside, and discover new, inspiring ways to procrastinate. Luckily, I took creative steps to eat away hours of my writing time. These methods are failsafe, so I thought I’d altruistically share them with others.

Turn old lyrics into Maya Angelou-style poetry

I wracked my brain to find inventive procrastination tools. And I stumbled upon genius. I stood in front of my full-length mirror, and recited “Paul Revere” by the Beastie Boys in the voice of Maya Angelou. “What an amazing way to spend valuable time!” I laughed to myself.

If the Beasties worked, why not go deeper? Reciting “MMM Bop” in Angelou’s cadence inspired me to dive into the black hole of endless procrastination. By the time I finished this method, I’d exhausted the anthologies of Radiohead, N’Sync, A Tribe Called Quest, and Tool.

Do you have an immediate writing deadline? Are you worried you’ll go back and butcher your completed story if you have over two hours to spare? Transforming songs into spoken word poetry can eat up at least an hour of your time.

Reorganize your book collection

I stumbled upon another proven yet inventive procrastination method by reorganizing my personal library. Do you sort your books alphabetically or by genre? Logical organization is for the dull.

Throw your books into a heap, and then find an arbitrary way to categorize them. I chose sorting by cover color. This way, when I need to pull a book to re-read or research, it will take me far longer to find what I need. I extended my procrastination time by a full two hours by utilizing this technique.

Look up new useless information

“Instances of death by laughter have been recorded from the times of ancient Greece to modern times.”

Stand apart from the procrastinating masses by staying away from Tik Tok, YouTube, and WebMD. Dancing cats and hangnails that reveal terminal illnesses are so passé. Think of the most obscure facts you can search, and then go crazy. I guarantee you’ll discover what you’re looking for.

For instance, I found myself with an entire day to work on my novel. I’d had to put my work aside 25,000 words in, and was dying for the chance to complete my story. No other obligations stood in my way, I’d caught up on all of my television favorites, and my phone stayed silent. A warm outrage at the lack of procrastinating choices crawled up the back of my neck.

I sat, looking at my blinking cursor, and didn’t experience paralyzing writer’s block. I had to fight the words from pouring out of me. This felt wrong on so many levels. Productivity is not a writer’s friend.

Thus, I picked up my phone, and thought of ways to outsmart Alexa.

Did George Washington pick his nose? I typed. ‘Turns out, there’s a whole series of articles on the first US President’s hygienic habits.

Has anyone ever died from laughing too hard? The internet has an answer here too. According to Wikipedia, “Instances of death by laughter have been recorded from the times of ancient Greece to modern times.” Sure, my twelve-year-old nephew may have added this entry, but it’s still there!

I then changed my desired type of demise from “in my sleep” or “swimming off of the coast of Capri with Tom Hardy,” to “death by laughter.”

Ultimately, the ways in which you procrastinate are your choice alone. But my unique, proven methods can inspire you to longer periods of procrastination. Why write today what you can put off until tomorrow? Why watch an endless loop of Karens in the Wild when you can engage your mind in your procrastinating ways too?