Summary

The author recounts a harrowing two-week struggle with insomnia that led to a cycle of anxiety, fear, and sleep deprivation, ultimately finding relief and a renewed appreciation for the ability to sleep.

Abstract

The author describes a personal ordeal with insomnia, detailing a pattern of sleepless nights filled with anxiety and panic attacks. Despite following recommended sleep practices, the fear of not sleeping triggers a vicious cycle of heightened awareness and stress, making sleep even more elusive. As days pass, the author's mental and physical state deteriorates, relying on caffeine pills to function during the day. The persistent fear eventually subsides by the tenth day, paradoxically allowing sleep to return by the eleventh day, with a full recovery by the fifteenth day. This experience leads to a profound gratitude for the simple yet essential act of sleeping, highlighting the importance of appreciating aspects of life often taken for granted.

Opinions

The author emphasizes the debilitating nature of insomnia, describing it as a tormenting experience akin to hell.
There is a recognition of the irony in the fear of not sleeping being a significant barrier to actually falling asleep.
The author reflects on the importance of appreciating basic life necessities, such as sleep, which are not accessible to everyone.
The experience has led to a personal transformation, with the author expressing deep thankfulness for the return of normal sleep patterns.
The author suggests that the true value of many life aspects is often only realized when they are absent.

Insomnia: To hell and back.

A fortnight of torment that drove me to the brink of insanity.

I promptly shut my laptop’s lid, keep away my phone, set the room lighting to a warm orange hue, grab my Kindle and try to relax — just like what the “How to sleep well” articles I found on the Internet recommended.

After a while, as I feel slightly drowsy, I put away my Kindle, turn off the light, and close my eyes.

Just as I am slipping into sleep, the dreaded thought emerges— “What if I can’t fall asleep”, which startles me back to consciousness.

A pang of fear grips my heart and a feeling of dread settles in my stomach which strengthens my conviction that I won’t be able to fall asleep which in turns feeds my fear and anxiety — A vicious feedback loop that leaves my heart beating like a drum and all my senses turned up to the maximum.

I can’t help but notice every single sound — The rustle of the leaves, the whir of the ceiling fan, water dripping in the washroom, and the beating of my racing heart.

I fall victim to a debilitating cycle of — somehow calming down myself, then feeling drowsy, then thinking ” What if I can’t sleep?”, and a full-blown panic attack.

A fierce onslaught of thoughts — “I need to sleep”, “Sleep deprivation is harmful!”, “I feel like a zombie”, “Will I be able to sleep tomorrow?”, “What if I can’t?”, “This can’t go on!”, “Maybe sleep in the afternoon tomorrow?”, “But that might disrupt my sleep cycle”, “I need to calm myself”, “Will I be able to sleep ever again?” and so on.

2:00 AM, 2:30 AM, 3:00 AM, 3:30 AM, 4:00 A M — Time ticks away, the night gets shorter and shorter, and I am still wide awake with my hopes of falling asleep trickling away.

After what seems like an eternity, my mind shows mercy and finally lets me fall asleep — only to wake me up in an hour or two.

Tired and Frustrated, I trudge out of bed.

Caffeine pills get me through my day, my dread mounting, and the night inching closer with every passing hour.

I can’t go on like this — despising the days and dreading the nights.

I need to fall asleep tonight — I hope I do.

Insomnia was the closest thing to hell for me.

One day of somehow not falling asleep planted the seed of the fear of not falling asleep which grew by the day.

By the tenth day, I had lost all hope of falling asleep — Sleep had become a luxury I couldn’t afford.

Counterintuitively, this erased my fear of not falling asleep and I got some sleep on the eleventh day!

By the fifteenth day, I was back to sleeping normally!

Never was I more thankful for being able to sleep.

We generally fail to realize the true value of many things until they are missing from our lives.

Most of the things we usually take for granted like being physically able, having a roof over your head, clean water to drink, enough food to eat, etc. are unaffordable luxuries for most.

Let’s be thankful for them.