Insecurities Never Truly Go Away
How to recognize your demons when they change clothes
Healing trauma does not mean that you are cured. You will always remember your trauma, it doesn’t go away when you heal it. There will always be an emotional scar. Mine run deep, but they have finally healed.
When Demons Play Dress Up
There will always be those Character Defects, as A.A. calls them, Defense Mechanisms, or Insecurities that will always lie in wait to rear their ugly heads. For myself, they like to show up when I’m experiencing a low point or a bad day.
My Demons come in the form of self-doubt and fear of rejection. They come up at the most inopportune times. For example, I held off publishing my book, KNOW LOVE, for almost 6 months because I didn’t think anyone would want to hear what I have to say.
The truth is that not only are there people who want to hear what I have to say but some people need to hear it.
I know my story, it is a powerful story that has helped addicts, alcoholics, cutters, individuals with eating disorders, and who knows how many others they have helped. I do not say this with Ego, but with humility.
To have someone come up to me after a speaking event and tell me that my courage to tell my story inspired them to admit they were an alcoholic or that hearing me speak about my sexual abuse gave them the courage to talk about theirs, is so humbling.
The point is that I remain vigilant and on the lookout for my insecurities. If I had cancer and the Doctor told me that my treatment worked and I was cancer-free, I wouldn’t go back to my old habits. I would keep doing what helped me to get well.
Learn to Spot Your Triggers and Say HALT!!!
I am a pretty level-headed guy, so whenever I find myself getting irritated, upset, or moody I pause and run through a personal checklist.
In recovery, this process is called H.A.L.T., Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
If I am well nourished then Hungry should take care of itself, but I find that there are just times that my blood sugar gets low. To stave off the temptation to eat something that holds no nutritional value but might “taste” good, I keep snacks with me.
Usually organic dried fruit with some almonds or cashews. You can use whatever does it for you. I choose these because I am trying to live a healthier, added sugar-free life and dried fruit is a nice, sweet, natural fructose blast.
Anger is my nemesis. I can be a straight-up man-child when I get my knickers in a bunch. 9/10 times I can trace my anger or irritation to the above bouts of low sugar, hence, being hangry.
I am lucky enough to have a home and family now, so for myself, I am rarely lonely. There are times though when I crave another man to hang out with but it’s not an unmet need, I just don’t have many hangout guy friends now.
There are a lot of you who are not as fortunate. Get out and do something, human beings need connection, we need to feel as though we are a part of something bigger than ourselves. This can be 12 step meetings, joining a bowling league or a cycling group, whatever tickles your fancy.
Connection is there if you can just have enough courage to seek it.
I believe in You…
Getting enough rest is important. I have a chronic case of F.O.M.O., fear of missing out, so I have trained myself, I guess, to only need 4–5 hours of sleep a night. But I also have no problem sleeping in on the weekends or if the occasion calls for it.
Not everyone has my need for minimal sleep. Some people need a nap every day.
Nap away, my sleepy friends, nap away.
Just make sure that you are meeting your own needs. You are the only person who decides what goes into your body, when you sleep, and whether or not you are alone.
Anger is a secondary, reactive emotion, it is not a root or primary emotion, so therefore in your control. Life is an amazingly enjoyable ride when we take responsibility for our lives and stop blaming others for our stations. I wrote an article about this topic. I’ll link that below,
I had a sponsor in A.A. who used to tell me I was not responsible for the first thought that popped into my head, but I was responsible for every thought that stemmed from it.
That has been a powerful message in my life. It taught me to be mindful of the thoughts that I let take root or run freely through my head. I am a master at letting my mind run away with things. I am now able to reign those thoughts in, look at them, and decide whether they serve a purpose, if not then they are stricken from the record.
I do not hold space in my head for toxic thinking. I lived that drama for 33 years and it did not go as planned. It was the catalyst for lasting change that came at an almost unpayable cost. I’ll link those stories here and here.
It Is a Daunting Task, But Not Impossible
My story is no longer mine alone. If there is one person in this world still suffering from the emotional, psychological, spiritual, and physical pain of trauma there is hope. There are those of us who are willing to help…
But you have to take the first step. Asking for help was and is the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do. It is also the proudest moment of my life to look back on.
You have the courage within you to turn your trauma into your teacher, but no one can do it for you.
Always remember, Trauma is an injury, not a disease and it can be healed.
I am always open to questions, private or public if any of you ever feel the need to reach out.
I thank you for taking the time to spend a few minutes with me. I appreciate you and your time, both are very precious to me as I am sure they are to you, so again thank you.
As always, be well…
~Namaste
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