initiation

a poem

what do you really want? he asked me

and I told him I want to be free

he knew what I meant and we never spoke of this again

many times I thought he forgot abandoned me

but that’s his way

in his aloofness he teaches in his harshness he cuts through the ego

and lets me find the way myself alone

and so I wandered and got lost stumbled and fell

consumed by emotions overcome with fears

it took years upon lifetimes worlds upon worlds realities upon dimensions

I cried tears of blood and venom and vomit

I had doubts confused by the games saying one thing then another wrapping me in confusion

blinded by darkness I lost my faith yet in this emptiness I found stillness

I saw that the depths of my soul have no end

and that with initiation there is no turning back

I discovered many things

that I am nothing that I know nothing and in this nothingness resides everything

hope light love

so thank you for your patience the lessons the wisdom for showing by not showing and being by not being what I needed to know

and now I lie waiting like the jaguar ready yet ignorant for whatever comes next

you can read more about my incredible healing of an incurable disease in the Amazon jungle here: