Influencer or Influenced?

Dads’ Survival Guide: Parenting

“Choose your friends with care, for you become who they are.”

Good advice. For our kids. Whether solicited or not.

This is a long-held axiom. Not a recent, Lawn-Mower parent novelty. Some catchy slogan dreamed up by crazed Boomers. Desperate to keep command of our flock.

“You shall know the person by his company,” declared Sancho Panza, Don Quixote’s squire in the 17th century saga by Cervantes.

Exactly. This is what adults are trying to communicate to our offspring.

“He who walks with the wise becomes wise,” wrote King Solomon nearly 3000 years ago in his wisdom book, Proverbs. “But the companion of fools will be destroyed.”

There you go. Across the ages. Sage words. Particularly for teens and tweens.

Every Dad and Mom has been a teenager. So, we know. About the experiences. Availabilities. Temptations. And tribulations. So much excitement and exploration. Taking place amid profound personal change. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. A hormonal superstorm.

It can be confusing. Confounding. And yet, exhilarating. A time to express one’s independence. Branch out. Form new ties. At school. Sports. Circles beyond a parent’s control. Beyond our ability to pick and choose. For them.

This is the scary part. For us Dads. Sons and daughters selecting the company they keep. Without our input. Or approval.

Who will our children choose? As friends. And in those relationships, will our kids be the influencers? Or the influenced.

What is Influence?

Influence is the capacity to impact others’ actions and behaviors. Opinions and perspectives. Even one’s character. Influence is sway. Implicit power. Exhibited along a spectrum. From subtle persuasion to outright coercion.

Influence can be exerted for many objectives. To enhance society. Enrich community. Better others. Advance oneself. The motivation behind influence may be unwitting. Or overt. A force for the upright. Or the lowdown.

“I am not interested in power for power’s sake,” wrote Dr. Martin Luther King, “But I’m interested in power that is moral, that is right and that is good.”

Hopefully, the folks in our kids’ lives will have Dr. King’s honorable perspective. Kind, loyal, lasting friends. Rather than selfish operators. Bullies, trying to get their own way.

How will our children figure this out? And protect themselves?

The Rock

“Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing,” wrote the Nobel Prize-winning humanitarian Albert Schweitzer.

So, what will be our children’s example? With others. That will depend on their personal Values and Principles. The rock to anchor themselves. Amid the harsh winds and roiling seas of life.

Values represent the core of who we are. The ideals we stand on. And are unwilling to compromise. Values can be character based: honesty, integrity, trustworthiness. Connection-oriented: kindness, compassion, humility, selflessness. Or perspective: optimistic, hopeful, teachable, driven.

Values represent who we are. Rather than who we aspire to be. Unlike motivators, which change over time, our Core Values remain steadfast throughout our lives.

Principles are the day-to-day expression of our Values. How we interact with others. Authentic. Accountable. Forthrightness. Forgiving. Resilient. Resourceful. Bold. Adventurous. Pioneering.

There is a broad array of Values and Principles. None are better than others. And whichever ones us parents choose, is right for our families. As long as we choose. Instruct our kids. And reinforce.

Fitting In

All kids want to belong.

Beginning as tots, they’re on a quest to make friends. Find a group of pals. Buds. Besties. Assimilating with those of similar interests. Activities. Pursuits. And in the process of finding others, youngsters are trying to find themselves. Their identity. Who they are. And who they will be.

Some try to stand out. Grab attention. Center stage. Others prefer the background. Blending into the crowd. Regardless of one’s personality, being accepted is essential.

This human need for belonging makes any child susceptible. Vulnerable. Yielding to the cool kids. And the current trends. Chasing what’s popular. Rather than what’s prudent.

Hoodies. Skater sneaks. Ripped jeans. The language used. Music preferred. Videos to watch. Games to play. Adventures to chase. Boundaries to cross. Rules to break. Forbidden territory to explore. All in the name of friendship. Camaraderie. Fitting in.

Dads are aware. We understand the importance of bonding. Each of us is well versed with the good. And the bad. Thus, our warnings, “The company you keep…”

Let’s face it, the influence we have over our kids is waning. Part of the growing-up process.

So, let’s make sure they’re well prepared. By reaffirming family Values and Principles. The convictions we stand by. Unwilling to compromise. Be explicit. Specific. Crystal clear. Again, and again. To eliminate any confusion. Ambiguity. Doubt.

Us Dads are on the clock. To teach and train. Equipping our kids for the journey of life. On their own. The leaders and influencers of the future.

Go, Dads. Go.