Infinite Energy Puppy Part 6
The Continuing Saga of What Could Possibly Go Wrong
I sat at the edge of my desk. Infinite, my 10-week-old labradoodle puppy, was hiding under the bed. I was mad, terrified, and exhilarated at the same time. “Infinite, what did You Do? Why do I have 58 billion dollars in my Checking Account? Quit hiding under the bed and get out here and explain.”
It was the first time I raised my voice at the Infinite Energy Puppy, a hardwired Super Ai Quantum Computer with a micro fusion battery attached to a puppy. “I see you under there. Your collar is glowing bright green. What are you thinking about? Please explain how you turned twenty thousand dollars into fifty-eight billion in the past three hours.”
Infinite did his best cute puppy routine. When he finally emerged from under the bed, he rolled over on his back for me to rub his belly. He was so adorable. I wanted to be mad at him but could not bring myself to scold him. I needed to find out how he did this before I went ballistic or started calling my attorneys. Financial Security Laws need to be taken seriously. The world depends on stability, and I could not believe 58 billion dollars could be made legally in 3 hours.
In my head, I heard the sirens in the distance; I looked at the front door expecting it to be blown inwards and the SWAT team behind them. It remained quiet. Infinite cleared his throat and said, “You said we needed money to buy stuff, so I went and made us some money.”
“Ok, but how did you do that? We have securities laws, tax laws, and legal precedents that must be adhered to.”
“I transferred ten thousand dollars into a Schwab Online Investment Account. I then mined Bitcoins for fifteen minutes, and when the account was a hundred million, I used that to invest in the stock market. I monitored all the big Wall Street Investment Funds, and when they initiated a buy order on anything worth over a hundred million, I bought .00000001 seconds before they did and sold .0000001 seconds before they did. I bought low and sold higher than everyone else, using my superspeed to hedge the profit. After three hours, I closed the Schwab Investment Account and transferred the profits to our checking account. I did not do anything wrong; I just outmaneuvered everyone else.”
I scratched my head, sat back, and thought about it for a minute. I needed to call my accountant and make an estimated tax deposit. If what Infinite said was true, he did not break any laws, as all large purchases of stocks by Investment Funds were public information. Nobody knew the second they did it, but technically it wasn’t illegal. Big word there is “TECHNICALLY LEGAL.” I am sure this would be challenged, but I wasn’t going to prison tonight.
I left a voicemail for my CPA and another for my Business Attorney to call me tomorrow. I felt woozy; I was now one of the richest men in the world thanks to my ten-week-old Labradoodle Puppy. Tomorrow I will write a check for 15 billion dollars payable to the IRS. I am sure they would audit this. I felt sick to my stomach. I should be happy, but this was too much, too fast to process.
Infinite, using his infinite wisdom, came running back into my office with his leash in his mouth. Time to play fetch with the world’s smartest biological. What else could possibly go wrong?