In The Vault

Secrets and other Lies of Adultery

In the vault. This is a Seinfeld promise.

Remember?

It’s in the vault. Your secret is safe with me.

r/adultery has another view of secrets. Tell no one, ever.

Take your adultery to the grave.

I’m not complying, of course. I’m shouting from the rooftops. A tad foolish, perhaps. The men I’ve had affairs with have said they’ve told no one, and I mean no one.

“I can only control myself,” they said. “No one else would understand.”

“I get it,” and nodded my head. “Don’t you wish you could talk to someone? This lifestyle is tough to go it alone.”

I’ve told far too many people and have regretted it. Thank God for r/adultery. The anonymous chat room on Reddit has almost 80,000 members. It’s the ultimate treasure trove for cheaters: tips, venting, and advice for adulterers.

Obviously, the fewer people who know, the better. And writing endlessly about “affairing” isn’t exactly the prudent thing to do. But I’m a talker. I need to share.

I told one book club girlfriend. She wasn’t as sympathetic as I hoped.

“Hey, can I talk to you later?” I asked after all the ladies brought platters of food and crackers in from the living room to her big granite topped kitchen island.

“Sure, anything wrong?” she asked.

“Everything is wrong,” except I didn’t say it.

“No, just a personal thing that I’d like to share just between us when you have time,” I said.

“Ok. Text me.”

A few days later, I texted, and we set up a time to chat. “So, what’s up?” she said giving me a quick barely touching lady shoulder hug.

Could I tell her? I needed to tell someone — I was dying inside.

“Well, I’m not really sure how to start this, but I need someone to talk to, and I think I can trust you. Would you keep this between us?”

“ABSOLUTELY,” she said.

When someone says absolutely, you should reconsider baring your soul. That is a dead giveaway that your secrets are now on the open market.

“I’m having an affair,” I said.

“Really?” I could see her ponder this. Out of all the women at the book club, I was the least likely to be a candidate. All the others were prettier, fitter, more slender, better dressed, and styled. This was surprising. I could see her brain churning, “Why her?” she thought.

“I’ve been miserable at home with no sex for years, and years and finally, I caved.”

“Oh my God, honey, I’m so sorry for you,” she said.

Tears seeped out of the corners of my eyes. Damn, I can’t cry. I won’t cry.

“I understand,” she said. “Been there. On both sides,” she added.

FINALLY, someone who understands.

She was on marriage #2 and had married the sexy contractor. I figured something was up.

I breathed an unwarranted sigh of relief.

“You won’t tell anyone?” I asked. “God, no.”

Except for her husband and her best friend, who would then tell her friend and so on. Everyone will know but no one will tell me.

I felt a tiny bit better, knowing that I wasn’t alone in my friend group. She had gone through the cheating gauntlet as well and came out relatively unscathed. She’s still married, even though her husband cheated, and she cheated.

It’s possible to ride this out, I hoped.

“Do you think less of me?” I asked. “Of course not,” she said.

I think less of myself, though. That’s the issue. No amount of women I confide in will make me feel better about myself.

Is my secret in “The Vault?” I’m not sure. I think she’s kept it close to her chest yet, who knows?

That twinge of upperhandedness she holds makes me long to snatch my confession back. “I’m done with it. No more cheating,” I should announce to her one day breezily. “It’s over. I had my fun.”

It would be a lie, of course. Another one stacked on the many below. Would she buy it?

I doubt it. She knows first hand the allure of the illicit. My secret isn’t safe, and it will never will be because I revealed it. That’s the point. There isn’t a Fort Knox secure enough for all my indiscretions.

I wish all my lies were in a vault.

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