In The Name Of My Father: Chapters 24, 25, 26 & 27

A heart-wrenching goodbye…could things possibly get worse?

So caught up in their grief, the family had put Cam in charge of Alistair’s belongings, clothes, his wallet and loose change, and as an afterthought, a small pocket recorder which had sustained a lot of damage, and as far as the police were concerned, was irreparable.

The funeral was a private affair. The decision had been made that he be laid to rest alongside his grandfather.

Grief was heavy, too heavy, worsened by the many questions that, like festering wounds, refused to scab over with answers.

That the church hierarchy’s silence was deafening, sidestepping all questions, was hard to bear, and suspicion was therefore palpable.

No contact.

No answers.

It wasn’t in Alistair’s nature to be careless, which was why they pressed for details, anything, any information at all, but the church was resolutely silent.

The family sorrowed all the more for the things they couldn’t know.

Still, they kept their anger in check, restrained but ready and waiting if they ever were ever lucky enough to be enlightened.

In the days that followed, Helen was consumed with grief. Her friend Anna had heard the news through the parish and called her. That’s when she learned of Helen’s pregnancy, and within half a day, she was there, their closeness so much stronger through their shared dilemma.

Cam officiated at the burial mass. He allowed Helen to sit privately in the vestry with Anna, where the two could hold each other and whisper their goodbyes.

Cam felt no guilt that he had betrayed the family’s wish, for with knowledge that he couldn’t share with them, he’d determined that Helen was family, and nobody could dispute the unborn child’s right to be there.

Much later, when her tears had dried and the predictable numbness had set in, Anna spoke seriously to Helen.

“There’s no point in trying to sugar-coat this. The next few months are going to be hell. You’re going to go through a litany of emotions, but I will be here for you. Let’s just take it one step at a time. We’ll walk through your hell together, we’ll get back out safely, and there will be a happy outcome. I don’t expect you can see that right now, but it’s true. When that little cabbage pops out, you will know that she was meant to be.”

“She?” Helen asked.

“I have no idea why I said she, but no matter what sex it ends up being, just remember that this is a child of the universe and just like the rest of us, has a right to be here. Promise me you will keep that in mind when the road gets tough.”

“You’re what I need right now Anna…not Mom…not Dad…just you. I’d no intention of telling you, but now I’m glad you know. Sorry!” and the tears flowed endlessly as her best friend in the whole world, countered her convulsive sobs, in hugs and words of comfort.

“My dad,” Anna said softly, as she stroked her friend’s hair, “used to say that the finest of steel has to be processed through the fiercest of fires, and you, are the finest steel I have ever come across, so let’s see how we can crawl through this furnace together and survive. Forget that last word. You will not just survive. You and your baby will triumph.

Disaster…

The delivery men were shocked when they mounted the stairs to re-enter what had once been John’s apartment. The burlier of the two stopped in his tracks.

“Strewth!” he called out. “Stay back. Stay back! Not sure what‘s happened here…looks like the bloody floor’s collapsed.

“Bloody hell! Them friggin boxes weighed a ton…all piled up on top of each other. Somethin’ had to give… but…the woman…where’s the woman?”

“What woman?”

“Oh for god’s sake, the one who was here…supervising…where is she?”

“Hell I don’t know…she could be under the rubble. Hopefully she got out in time…but…geez there’s no way she’s alive if she’s under all that crap. Call the police…call the ambulance…NOW!”

Police at John’s Apartment

“Do you think the woman is under the rubble?” the paramedic asked.

“Look mate I don’t really know. She was here when we left. She’s the mother of the woman who hired us. To be honest I’m not so surprised that things have gone belly up. There was a fair bit of weight on the hall floor…boxes and boxes, so many, and some very heavy, all stacked on top of each other…’s not a surprise at all.”

“Where was she when you last saw her?”

“It’s hard to say, now that the floor’s gone and the walls are collapsing. You don’t take much notice when all you’re doing is picking up boxes…but if you can imagine a hallway running in this direction, she would have been…maybe right there,” he explained, pointing to the middle of the pile of debris. “Geez I hope she managed to get out,” he sniffed, wringing his hands anxiously as he looked around. “Do you want us to hang around, or would it be better if we got out of your way?”

“I think you should stay. The police will want to talk to you I expect. They’re on their way…shouldn’t be too long. We’re evacuating the few people we found…the neighbors…can’t be too careful,” he responded, his eyes scanning the rubble for any sign of life.

A Shared Drink, A Shared Grief

“Thanks for making my trip so short, Ailsa. I hate traveling, so having the perfect conversationalist sitting next to me was a pleasant bonus.”

“First time lucky Alistair! Next time you’ll be ducking for cover in case you have to listen to my drivel again.”

“Drivel? Why do you say that?”

“It’s what my grandfather used to say, about my drivel, (his word, not mine), masqueraded as profound truths.”

“I like that.”

“Why’s that?”

“He was paying you a compliment.”

‘Maybe. Haven’t really thought about it too much, but you could be right. He used to tell me NOT to think I was as good as any man because a large percentage of females were superior.”

“A wise man.”

“I felt he was protecting me, but I went along with whatever he said. I guess it made me feel good. He’d say things like, one day without seeing you, is one month of darkness. He was just saying his days were brighter. We never had a cross word.

“Funnily, when Mom was there, it was different. He didn’t do this often but he did do it. You know, I might say or do something and he’d turn to Mom and say things like it was such a shame we couldn’t go back in time and work out the exact gene pool that makes people who they are…and I swear (I do swear…too much for Mom!), she always reacted strangely…her body language..you know that stiffening you see some people do…as if she thought Grandpa was hinting at something. There must be a reason for her being a puritanical queen. Can you be Catholic and puritanical at the same time?”

“Being puritanical is difficult to understand…maybe happens in response to something you might be ashamed of.”

“Right! Well that’s not my mom. There’d be NOTHING fishy hiding in any of her closets!”

“You never can tell. Have you ever heard this Buddha quote? ‘Three things cannot be long hidden, the sun, the moon and the truth.’”

“It’s PERFECT! You’ve met my mother. What are the chances?”

“I think the stakes of my being drawn into a speculative conversation are way too high for me! But I think you’re right. Your grandfather wouldn’t have needed to stand behind the door at midnight, waiting for his precious teenage daughter to come home.”

Ailsa started to giggle, thinking back to the many nights when she personally hadn’t come home at all. Parenting was obviously a lot harder than she had ever imagined.

“I was such a rebel, a subtle one, at least that’s what I thought at the time, but a challenge nonetheless.”

“Really?”

“Yep! It’s just as well I’m not married with an army of kids around me. I know every trick teens can get up to, and I’d be way ahead of their plans, poor devils. That’s why the universe is keeping me single.”

“You think that?”

“Of course not, but it’s a great excuse for when people say, ‘Isn’t your Ailsa married YET?’”

“I have a sneaking feeling you don’t give a toss about other people’s opinions of you, and for what it’s worth I think it a wonderful attitude. As far as I am concerned there’s too much idle gossip going on in the world.”

“I once heard somebody say that the more people talked about him, the better they’d know him.”

“But yet they wouldn’t. People make up stories to fit what they THINK is going on, and then that narrative becomes their gospel. I don’t care much for gossips. They usually have way more skeletons in their cupboards than most, yet they love talking about other people.”

“I once read that when gossips are talking about others, they leave their closets open and a shit load of skeletons got out.”

“That’s a great one,” he laughed loudly. “So, I hate to raise the subject of work, but when do you have to be back?”

“I think they’re hoping I’ll just walk through the door on Monday morning. That’s my intention, but I like to string them along. There are lots of things I can do remotely, so I wouldn’t be letting them down if…”

But Alistair was already up and answering his phone. He quickly walked out to the foyer, returning with his face set and grim.

He took her hand and explained quietly that the hospital had called to tell him about John’s attempted suicide, by ingesting all the pain killers he’d saved up and taking them all at once. The good news was he would pull through.

Ailsa sat, ashen faced, then shrugged resolutely as she replied.

“It doesn’t surprise me at all. If he IS terminally ill there is no way that he would give in to medication that might afford him another few months…or years, just limping along and never feeling totally well.

“He’d would never do anything to deliberately scare me…but he would do everything to NOT have to rely on me, on any of us, but me in particular. I’m the apple of his eye…just because I’m always around and I try to make him feel good. So how is he really?”

“He’s resting and he will be fine. We have some fabulous doctors at the hospital, psychiatrists who understand the triggers. They will talk to him when he is ready.”

“Well that’s a relief.”

“But that’s not all. It looks like your mother is also in hospital. An admission orderly made the connection between the two…one suicide and one casualty, same address, same surname, both happening on the same day.”

“NO!”

“Seems the floor in your father’s apartment gave way in the hallway where she was standing. The delivery men made the discovery…fortunately they dialed triple O. Her body was found under the rubble. It’s not looking good Ailsa. She’s on life-support right now.”

In that moment Ailsa was no longer in control. Gone was the bubbly, young woman, gone was the business woman who intuitively knew how to take charge, and in her place was a muddled, insecure daughter, totally lost in the forest of her grief.

“It’s late Ailsa,” he said gently,” and there’s nothing we can do tonight except try to book an emergency flight for tomorrow. I’ll fly back with you.”

“You are here for your children. They’re your first priority.”

“True, but they are used to me and my many emergencies. I can make it up to them later, and I will. Let me do this for you. You will need support in the next few days.”

Ailsa sat there, for once in her life no longer capable of organizing herself.

Alistair took the reins and dialed.