In The Name Of My Father: Chapters 19, 20 &21

Plans turn to grief:

Helen anxiously made her way to John’s apartment, head pounding with anxiety, but she calmed herself with the thought that the past was just that, and had nothing to do with the task ahead of her. This could be an assignment for a client, and she would treat it that way, sorting out the latter period of John’s life one box at a time.

But she could never have been prepared for the aura of sadness that hit her when she unlocked the door, almost as if no joy had ever taken place within the walls. Yet it was more than that…an unfortunate entrapment, and a bleakness pervaded the space, so that what should have been John’s home had ended up little more than a sad, small-time warehouse, with purchases stacked and catalogued appropriately, but with everything so tightly boxed in that she felt that at any time, the walls could give up their struggles.

That caused her to momentarily shiver.

For a brief moment her thoughts were transported back to her own home, and she wondered what others felt, what they saw on first entering. Was hers just as sad? She determinedly brushed aside a tear that threatened to set itself free. She was here to do a job, and not to feel sorry for herself.

“I’ve actually packed a number of boxes and taken them to the on-site container,” Ailsa explained as they said goodbye. “I chose a medium-size …should be big enough.

“There’s one box in particular that, for whatever reason, I decided to safeguard right away. Heaven knows why! It looked like a set of letters, maybe a will, and some other things that may be of importance. I didn’t want to pry, but I felt I should protect it. You can find it easily as I put it into a bright red rigid box, one recommended by the insurance company. It’s sturdier and much safer than cardboard, and I secured it with a miniature cam lock. The little red key in the bunch I gave you will fit the lock. I’ve kept a copy for me, just in case.”

“Wasn’t it Albert Einstein who said that the intuitive mind was a gift, and the rational mind a faithful servant? I think he also suggested that many people rely too much on the rational, so I’m happy to report to him that some of us hold dear to intuition.”

“Praise from my mom…wow, there IS a sanity clause! But seriously, sometimes the things you need most are not the valuables but irreplaceable stuff that can’t be recreated, or compensated for.”

“Going wrong?”

“Well, in a fire or the likes. You just never know.”

For a moment, as she stood uncertainly in the hallway, Helen had a fleeting thought about where Ailsa had inherited such talent. He would have been so proud of her.

As she looked around at the wealth of containers, she wondered how John could have changed so much. Thoughts flooded back to their first days together, to the first flush of love, warm, delicious memories of all they had shared, the seemingly-endless days of togetherness, the giving and taking and that feeling that nothing and no one could ever change their happiness.

He hadn’t been overly-tidy, but there again, neither had she. Cheap, cramped accommodation meant that they forgave each other, in the gorgeous chaos that they shared. Together they’d cook in their tiny, 1950s kitchen that was almost bereft of cupboard doors, each one succumbing in time to the wear and tear of hinges long past their use-by date. Their easy solution was to simply rip them off, assuring each other that easy access to dishes suited them better anyway.

How beautifully extraordinary their lives had been!

At the time they smugly felt that no two people had ever enjoyed such perfection.

And yet, it was she who had put paid to everything, she who had initiated the change, she who had strayed into the arms of Alistair, and turned what she had thought was bliss, on its head. The truth was that had she leveled with him at the time, he would have forgiven her, had she wanted to patch up the resultant mess. She could only blame herself for shattering their shatter-proof union!

And now she was here, in John’s apartment, here to make peace with her demons, to silence the regret in her heart, to make up for so much, and hopefully to take up the reigns of new dawns in her own life.

Still, she was nervous.

Really nervous!

The delivery men were hard at work, and she watched in awe as these burly frames deftly hoisted their charges on each shoulder, as they easily negotiated the two flights of stairs. No need for after-hour gyms for them!

The start of their engine as they pulled away was the signal that she was now alone. Another small shiver coursed through her spine as she began to clear some space for the men.

Noting the incredible precision and accuracy of John’s collection, she wondered what could have made him change so much. Here was a stark contrast to the days of their youth, and try as she might to block them, memories of the warmth of the relationship they’d shared, came flooding back.

The reality that she now embraced was two people, wearing very similar masks, sad, lonely disguises that allowed them to limp along in their respective lives, the common denominator being little more than loneliness and isolation, each trying to stay afloat, while peppering their days with busyness.

As she emerged from checking things in one of the bedrooms, she heard the noise! Loud and rumbling it caused her to stiffen, her breathing trapped inside her. The noise came again, a protracted, ominous creak, long, and slow, and threatening, and…she crept back into the hallway to check. Suddenly, without warning, the floor gave way beneath her, and voluminous amounts of debris rained down as she fell, engulfing her in its shards.

Silence followed…and for a few moments, the powdery rise and fall of dust was the only sign that a tragedy had unfolded.

Emergency…

It was one of John’s most trusted nurses who found him. Recognizing the signs, she first checked his breathing. It was slow and labored, his pulse weak, his pupils constricted. She’d seen it before, but usually from people brought INTO hospital and not already there.

And then she remembered…it had been a long time ago, back in the days when she was a junior nurse…one patient had saved up all his pain killers, his plan being to exit his life to spare his family’s grief. Suicide, he believed, would be a welcome and quick relief.

It was a selfish decision.

He was desperate.

But there was a happy outcome.

His cry for help was heard, he got the support and therapy he needed, his family was grateful, and life went on.

But it could have been otherwise.

She sprang into action and soon John was surrounded by the appropriate staff, the duty doctor and nurses, the theater staff…one team of stylish, admirable, superbly-ordered dedication…and one life saved.

For now!

Helen’s Discovery that she was Pregnant…

Helen knew. Almost from week one she felt the changes in her body, the swelling breasts, and the nausea, being enough to convince her.

Never in her life had she felt so scared.

Or alone!

At the same time, she tried to convince herself that it was not reality, that she was making things up and that soon things would return to normal.

But in the quiet hours of early morning, she knew. Soon she had to confront the issue.

She longed to share her fears with Ann. She would know what to do. She wouldn’t judge her. She’d be more inclined to make her laugh through her tears, even though right now she felt she’d never be able to smile again.

In her free time she was left with two things to consider, how she would cope with her yet unborn child, and how she would explain it to her parents.

But she would, for this child was conceived out of much more than a brief fling.

Never in her wildest dreams had she thought that she and Alistair would meet up at the conference. And by rights she should not have been there, but one of her lecturers had asked to help at the very last minute. She had almost declined, but for some reason she hadn’t.

And there he was, punctually there with a friend, both a shock and a thrill, and because most others were fashionably late, including the presenters, it had given them time to chat…and to arrange to meet for coffee in the break.

“Well now, she’s everything you described,” Cam assured him, as Helen moved away.

“What do you mean?” Alistair questioned.

“The girl in your dreaming…that’s her, isn’t it?”

Alistair flushed, just a little.

“She’s safe Cam…I told you she would be and that’s how I plan to keep it.”

‘But you’re meeting for coffee. How does that fit in with your safety plans?”

“I have no other plans. We just enjoy chatting.”

“Then I’d keep it that way mate. Innocent meet ups for drinks, can bloom in ways unimaginable,” he said, feeling a little hypocritical as the words poured sanctimoniously from his mouth. “She’s young…and also very attractive. The best relationships begin as pure friendship, and they have a knack of flowing on unexpectedly…and the rest just happens all too suddenly, mostly when neither of you is in the driver’s seat.

“See that’s the thing. You might say that you’re not looking for love, and I believe you, but love…well let’s put it this way. It has a tendency to find YOU. Remember that Jungian quote that you shared with me?”

Alistair nodded. ‘The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed,’ they said together.

“I promise I will bear that in mind,” but Alistair already knew he was treading on dangerous territory.

And it was that one coffee that led to dinner and soon they were covertly meeting wherever they felt they could enjoy anonymity. For some reason, as their relationship took shape, they felt no guilt. As sure as eggs are eggs, they convinced themselves that their union was planned, that it was God’s plan.

Besides, it felt right!

And now that she was certain that SHE, was now TWO, the time had come.

“Something wrong?” he asked when they next met.

“You could say that.”

He waited, unsure as to where things were heading.

“Is it about me?”

“In a way, yes,” she answered, tears flooding her eyes. “It’s about both of us. I’m pregnant,” she blurted out, “and I have no idea what to do.”

Alistair reached out immediately and took her hand in his, and earnestly assured her that all would be fine.

“I know it’s not how we planned things…but I think it’s wonderful…the timing may not be perfect, but our baby will be. An unplanned baby is not an unloved one. Maybe this is what I needed to happen.”

He drew her close to him and gently massaged her shoulder. Neither of them said anything for a while, their private thoughts and fears taking up space in their minds, but eventually Alistair spoke.

“I’m not happy as a priest Helen. You know that. I was so sure it was my calling, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’ve been miserable for too long, and in the weeks after I first met you I just knew the time would come for me to be honest with myself…that I would have to deal with my love for you. But now the situation is more urgent and I must. I’ll leave…speak to my superiors,” he trailed off.

“You can’t Alistair. I would never allow you to do that. It would be so wrong.”

He cupped her face gently in his hands and just for a moment, hesitated, trying earnestly to find the right words.

“Believe me it would be more wrong for me to continue as things are. I’d be little more than a hypocrite. You and I know that I’m already at the end of my tether. I could walk away today, right now, for that’s exactly what I want, but I also want what you want, which, I hope, is for the two of us to be the best set of parents for the human we have created.

“You know Helen, I never intended for our relationship to blossom, and I was warned by Cam about spending time with you.”

“Why?”

“Because he didn’t want to see you hurt. He warned me and I knew he was right, and I promised him that I would never do anything to hurt you. There are so many regrets in my life right now. I regret that I couldn’t easily be part of your life, and I hated myself for having taken my vows. So many people warned me not to. I was such a chump! There again, had I not done that, we two would probably never have met. I regret that I have compromised you in so many ways, but regretting our union…not in the least. It’s been a long time since I have been this happy, REALLY happy.

“Right now though, I need to make sure that you are going to be okay. You’re not thinking of termination, are you?”

“I could never do that. And if you can’t extricate yourself from the church, I’ll find a way.”

“I WILL leave the church Helen. The powers that be may try all they like, but I will not be dictated to.”

“I don’t think it will be as easy as you think. They’ll put barriers in your way, and I will be seen as the floozy. Just wait and see.”

“NEVER! I would never allow that!” His words were vehement and emotional.

“That’s the first thing they will suggest.”

“You’re probably right. Look, I agree. I don’t think it will be easy at all, but it WILL be worth it. I’ll write to Rome right away…tonight…might as well aim as high as I can.

“Look Helen, I know I’d have left the church sooner or later, even if I’d never met you, but you and our baby have given me the courage, and the reason to jump. The fact is I could have done things better, and I bitterly regret dragging you into a situation that is not your fault.”

“It takes two to tango,” she replied through her tears.

“It might not be how your parents see it, but I promise I will be there for you, and hopefully they will be able to forgive me in time.”

“Like I said…it takes two…but we might be surprised by their reaction. My parents have their own ideas about Church and celibacy.”

“Well we can’t bank on a positive reaction, but right now you’re pregnant and that is a call to action. So what do you think? The sooner I get the letter off the better it will be for all of us. I can’t help feeling a wee bit excited about it, to be honest.”

Helen so wished that she could share in his optimism. So much rested on the next few weeks, yet Alistair’s focus was on nothing but the stars.