In The Name Of My Father: Chapter 30

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread, and a truth stranger than fiction…

After a lot of persuasion John moved temporarily moved into Helen’s house.

As the days passed and his health improved, his sense of humor also returned, and the old John was gradually back in business injecting a sense of life into Helen’s home.

The small gardens on either side of the front door he planted out with arrays of colorful petunias, bordered with a few ground-hugging evergreens, and in the center of each, a white standard rose.

Helen would have loved the changes, Ailsa thought, but had some reservations about her father’s muddy clogs standing guard on the top step. At least he had remembered to take them off before going through the door.

Inside was as neat as Ailsa would have expected…nothing at righter-than-right angles, but things were sort of in place. There was some respect in evidence, and Ailsa couldn’t help feeling a huge pang of regret for what might have been.

“It’s strange coming here and finding so much mess,” Ailsa teased.

“Pardon? What mess?”

“Only joking, Dad! I’m talking about your slippers left in the bathroom, and not even arranged side by side, and that tea towel draped on the kitchen bench. I don’t ever remember a thing being out of order when I Used to call around.”

“Are you hinting that I should be tidier?”

“Not at all! I like to know where things are, and I know you do too, but I also like to be able to relax. I never felt relaxed here.”

“Gosh I wish we’d taken photos of the chaos your mother and I happily lived in all those years ago. When you’re young and in love, there are better things to do than clean houses.”

“And not just when you’re young and in love Dad! I can still turn a blind eye to the signs that I haven’t dusted in a month or two. Maybe I need a house cleaner, but then, why? I’m rarely home, and I like to think that the mini-beasts who have every right to be alive alongside us, are thriving in my little pad.”

“And when did you become such a paragon of virtue Ailsa? Aren’t you the same child who loved to chop off worms’ tails all those years ago?”

“Until you found out and explained to me that worms often use their tails as a defense mechanism, in order to survive.”

“I made you cry that day,” he laughed.

“I don’t remember that, but I do recall telling it to my class for news. That was probably the best news they’d heard all year.”

“Believe it or not, I do worry about spray-happy folks who can’t bear to have the odd insect or three in their homes. I’m happy to live in the second rung of the hygiene ladder, whatever that might be,” John said.

“So where did Mum learn all this stuff?” she asked.

“Who knows? We all change as we grow older. Promise me never to lose your zest for living. It’s one of your character traits that I love the most.”

“And one that gave you both angst.”

“You were never that bad. You just loved life, and people, and you wanted to be free. There’s nowt wrong with that.”

“I’ll try to keep that in mind IF I ever have children. I have a feeling the karma bus is ready and waiting for when I least expect it.”

“I think you’ve earned some forgiveness in the last few months. You’ve had too much to put up with.”

‘Well of course it would be really nice to have Mom back in our lives, but that’s not going to happen. Who would ever have believed? One day I was despairing about her and her unbending ways, and then, after the meeting with Alistair…”

“On first-name terms are we?”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself Dad. We’re just friends. That’s all we could be anyway. There are rules about doctors having relationships with patients. I know I wasn’t his patient, but he’d still have to be careful.”

“So when did this all happen?”

“Didn’t I tell you? We met on the plane when I was going back to work. I talked his socks off and he invited me to have a drink with him afterwards, which I accepted.

“And that was when he got the call. Now there’s a fine example of serendipity if ever there was one! To be honest I don’t know how I could have got through everything without him. So yes, we’re on first names, and he’s still nothing more than a friend. I think he likes to sit back and listen to me prattle on as I do. Takes his mind off the grind.

“But back to what I was saying…once Mom thought that your condition was life-threatening she did an about-turn and. I guess she decided life is too short for bad feeling. How right she was!”

“I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for that.”

“It was an accident Dad…or, just part of the fabric of life. We enter and exit according to a grand plan, and I have a feeling we have little control over it.”

“You could be right. People come into our lives and shape us. Some leave quietly, others depart in a storm, but they all touch us in ways we don’t necessarily understand, and we are changed for it.

“Look Ailsa, it’s probably as good a time as any to talk.”

“I have a sense that I’m not going to like this.”

“It could go either way, but if anyone can understand perspectives and mistakes, it’s you, and if I didn’t believe that you could cope with what I am going to tell you, believe me, I would go to my grave without explanation. However, you have the right to know.”

“It’s at this point in time that I’d enjoy a glass of wine. What do you think?”

“Let’s do this first. I prefer to keep my head clear at the moment. As I explained before, we were young when we met, your Mom still at university. I met her through mutual friends…over a meal. It’s funny how things turn out. I nearly didn’t go to that dinner. It wasn’t a blind date as such, but I certainly evened up the numbers on the night. As you can imagine, I was really uncomfortable at first. You feel a bit of a lame duck when you are the one who’s partnerless, but within minutes I was relaxed. Meeting her was like seeing the sun for the very first time.”

“Oh you great sook…I always think that if the sun’s out straight away, there’s probably a bloody big clumping cloud following it, especially where relationships are concerned.”

“Well it’s always best to tread cautiously at first, but not in this case. To be honest I didn’t want the night to end, but I didn’t have the courage to ask her on an actual date. She wouldn’t have been short of admirers, and so I wimped out, but somehow we kept bumping into each other, had coffee, or a drink, eventually dinner, and soon we just knew we were meant to be together.”

“Blind dates are scarily scary!”

“Usually that’s true, but I only went because I was assured it wasn’t a date. I guess I just got lucky! Anyway we soon moved in together and we were as happy as pigs in mud. Even your grandparents approved.”

“Really?”

“Parents worry when their kids leave home, and I think they saw me as someone steady who would protect her. Not that she ever needed protecting. She was a model student, so they probably needn’t have stressed about her.

“So that is how it was for a long time, and then, just as suddenly, we parted. I should say that SHE parted from me. I was devastated. I couldn’t see why and she couldn’t offer an explanation.

“There was no anger. She just explained that her needs had changed, or words to that effect, then moved out and we didn’t see each other for a long time. To be honest I avoided places where we might meet up as I didn’t trust myself to keep my feelings in check. I promised her I’d move on, but also assured her that if ever she needed me, I would be there for her.”

“I think I can see where this is going.”

“Hear me out Ailsa.”

“Sorry!”

“I was on my way back from a meeting one day and I just happened to have parked my car in the university campus, and there she was. We had a quick chat and I invited her for coffee which she accepted. But no sooner had we sat down than she had to leave as she was feeling sick.”

“She was pregnant?”

“Correct! I drove her home and she told me.”

“Then what?”

“To cut a long story short, the father was the local priest in your grandparents’ diocese, which is where they met. A few days later they bumped into each other in a coffee shop…”

“You’re not going to tell me he was dishy, and she fell for him.”

“Not initially, but they had shared interests, psychology mainly, and kept meeting up at different events. He was really unhappy as a priest and well, it wasn’t long before they were in a relationship.”

“So Dad, forgive my tendency to jump to conclusions but…I don’t quite know how to say this…but are you about to tell me that he is my father?”

“I am your father Ailsa, and always will be, but biologically speaking yes, he was.”

“Was, is past tense!”

“Was, because he was run over by a truck and died.”

“How? Why? I don’t understand.”

“Look Ailsa, in time I will try to fill in the details, but right now…look his name was Alistair.”

“You don’t say! How’s that for a coincidence? Up until recently I knew no one with the name, and now I have two in my life.”

“It happened on the day he’d gone to his superior to ask to be released from the priesthood, and, well the details are sketchy, but the word is that he stepped into the line of a truck.”

“You mean, he suicided?”

“Your mother never believed that. Nor did anyone else! He was excited about the pregnancy…certainly not suicidal. His family was also plagued with doubt.”

“They didn’t pursue the matter?”

“Oh they tried to, but the church just blocked them and gradually they just gave up.”

“So why does my other family stay out of my life?”

“They know nothing about you.”

“Well then, how did you come back into my life?”

“I invited your mother to stay with me until you were born, just to share accommodation you understand. I had space in my house, I still cared deeply for her, and she was in a predicament. Your grandparents were overseas for a period of time, and they didn’t realize that your mother and I had split up. I suggested to Helen that for expedience’ sake, and for you and your mother’s health, that she could lead them to believe that I was your father.”

“Very noble of you, if I may say so!”

“Not in the least, Ailsa. I still loved her, but I had no intention of wooing her back to me. She shared a roof with me, nothing else.”

“And?”

“Things changed after you were born. We were both besotted by you and I eventually summoned enough courage to ask her if she might consider our getting back together.

“To her credit she didn’t say yes right away and that was more to protect me than herself, but somehow it just all happened and everyone was happy. I so wanted to protect you, and I still do, but thankfully you’ve never been one to need it. You are my life and my love, and if there was ever a way that I could have found a reason to hide all this from you, believe me I would have.”

“But you could have.”

“Everyone has a right to know their lineage, for a whole host of reasons. You’ve suspected for a very long time, you’ve sensed differences, you and Craig are like chalk and cheese, and the last reason, which I think is most important is that you never know when you will need to know.”

“Meaning?”

“Well suppose you, or one of your children had a serious medical problem. You might have to call on family for help.”

The roaring silence between them, more eloquent than words, filled the room, but eventually John spoke again, his eyes pleading for understanding.

“And so in fairness I had to tell you. You’d have poked away at any evasions that you detected on my part, and eventually the truth would have come out. It’s time for truth.

“I have all of this written down. I wanted you to have it in case anything happened to me. It will be in the storage you organized I think.”

“Ah yes…I did come across papers, but I didn’t want to pry. You’ll find them in a red box under lock and key. I must give the key to you,” she trailed off.

Ailsa, who never did quiet, was now doing her fair share. She had imagined many things, but never, ever, had she dreamed that John, the father who spoiled her rotten, who bent to her every whim, the father who had lavished so much love and affection on her, the father she, in turn, would move heaven and earth for, was not her biological dad.

“I really don’t know what to say Dad, or even if I should call you Dad. I’m wondering, had Mom survived would she have ever told me the truth? If something had happened to one of us and there was talk of blood transfusions or the likes, truth would have had a neck taller than a giraffe,” the edge in her voice speaking volumes.

“You have to try to see how things were for young women in those days,” he answered gently. “One mistake and everyone judges you. You know those skeletons in the cupboard we talked of before? We all have them, but when someone else is fodder for gossip, people forget that one day it might be their turn, and they get caught up in it all.

“I did what I did to help your mother out because I wanted to. Sure, I still loved her and there are people who would assert, if they knew, that my motives were anything but altruistic, but they’d be wrong. I wanted to protect both of you, and her parents who loved her as much as I did. It probably sounds ridiculous to you, but they assumed I was your dad, maybe out of pure convenience, and we didn’t make them any the wiser.”

“That’s a form of lying. Didn’t that bother you?”

“Of course, but not as much as you might think…not when so much was at stake…so many people we tried to protect, but now that you know, I think, you must feel like the casualty in the whole affair.”

“I am shocked and it will take time to sink in. I can understand why you couldn’t tell me, especially, that I was the daughter of a priest! Now THAT would have been the best news I could have shared at school. I can just imagine it. Needless to say my report card would have read something like this. Ailsa is extremely imaginative, but she needs to confine news time to reality. Imagine the staff after that revelation! Oh to be a fly on the wall!

“But I’ve just thought of something else,” she added hurriedly. “It didn’t worry me much at the time, but I did notice it. Sometimes Grandpa would look at me in one of his funny ways. He never said anything directly to me, but I’d see Mom tense up and she’d quickly turn the conversation around. It was probably the catalyst in my feeling there was something I should know.”

“He had his suspicions I’m sure, and I suspect it’s because you look so uncannily like Alistair, and not like either your mother or me. I’m going purely on the photos I’ve seen of him, and there’s no doubt you have his height, dark, curly hair…and the rest I can only speculate on. Your mother also said he was a bit of a rascal too. How am I doing?”

“The rascal bit rings a bell, if that’s what you’re referring to, but I’d have been happy to miss out on the curls! But then Mom’s hair was pretty curly too, remember.”

“Sure, that’s true, but you have that very black hair, just as he did. About your granddad suspecting. Sometimes it can be just the way a person smiles, or a way of saying or doing things, or just even a mannerism. Genes don’t lie, and mannerisms, of all things, are the things that can hang us all out to dry.”

“Seems I can blame my biological father for a whole host of things…he didn’t swear by any chance?”

“I don’t think you can blame anybody for that but yourself!”

“So now I have not one blood relative in the world, except for Craig, I suppose. I find that a little confronting to be honest. One day my mother dies, and the next I find out that I have no father, and so, virtually no family.”

“Strictly speaking that is probably very far from the truth. Alistair had three sisters who all had children. They’re probably all alive and well, and have produced their own children, and for what it’s worth, I think, after the shock of meeting you, they would welcome you into their collective arms. You may even have grandparents. It’s possible that they too are alive.

“The past is the past my love and you can revisit it and try to analyze all that went on, but at the end of the day, your future and your happiness, is what’s important. But now it is you who is in the driver’s seat. If you do decide to take up the search, tread carefully, because, though I think there is a whole bunch of people whose lives could be changed and made better by meeting you, there are bound to be some stumbling blocks as well.”

“You really think that they’d want to know me?”

“I do.”

“I’m not sure how I’d feel about someone knocking on my door. I just can’t imagine it.”

“It will be a shock for them of course, but think about it. They have lost a brother, an uncle, and a son, if the parents are alive, so suddenly they have a gift landing right on their doorstep, an indisputable one. How do you think that would be?”

“It’s hard to say. We’ve lived our lives as a grand family of three. The idea’s quite confronting. Still, I’m more than a little curious.”

“It’s daunting, I know, but if you imagine all the wonderful tomorrows that might open up for you, and for them, I think it’s worth the risks. You’ve never been one to step away from a challenge.”

“That’s because I’ve never had to face one like this.”

“The future is still yours to design,” John answered, “just bear in mind it won’t be entirely risk-free. Nor do you have to start right away. It will take some thinking about.”

“But where does that leave you? It’s risky for you too.”

“I will still be your dad, and I will be right behind you, mopping up the tears, and celebrating the joys, if that’s what you want.”

“We could let sleeping dogs lie, to be honest…all that haranguing I put Mum under, and now I’m wimping out.”

“Believe me, I thought all this through. I could have gone to my grave without telling you. But then you would never have enjoyed peace. You already suspected something, so in that case, your fears would have been left dangling. Your life would be little more than ghosts of your imagination. That’s not you Ailsa. You’re so much more than that. Grab your future with both hands. That’s all any of us can do. This might take you beyond your wildest dreaming, and more than that, a whole family might be happier for your tenacity, and dare I say, to learn the truth.

“And trust me when I say this. They will be delighted to have found a piece of family puzzle, a jewel in the crown that they didn’t know was missing.”

The two sat quietly, Ailsa noting that the only sound around was the quiet cooing of a dove that had nested near the roof line, and way in the distance, an echoed response to her call. Life, for birds seemed to be so uncomplicated compared to hers.

“So what do you think?” John asked.

“I think that glass of wine might be in order.”