In The Name Of My Father: Chapter 28
Deception…and life can go on…
Moving in with John went so much more smoothly than she could have imagined. Deception, for a time! Refuge, for as long as she needed.
They simply went with the rhythm and flow of day-to-day living, John caught up in work commitments, and Helen finishing off the remnants of her study. It was a surprisingly easy merging of two people, once lovers, and now happy, considerate companions.
Though he had thought deeply about it, John had felt it was not his place to ask whether Helen had informed her parents. He was relieved when she raised the topic herself.
“For the life of me I have no idea how to tell them,” she confided. “They still think I’m with you.”
John wasn’t sure how to respond.
“Not that I openly lied to them,” she went on hastily. “It’s just that whenever they asked about you I simply said that you were fine. They like you, so it was easy…no, no that’s not what I mean. Please don’t be offended. It was EASIER than admitting the truth. I was totally ill-prepared to tell them how things really are…too scared. Fear changes people I think,” she said sadly. “People who haven’t been touched by desperation would never understand such duplicity…not until they are in a similar situation. I’m sorry John. I never meant to use you.”
John waited.
“There was also a bit of luck in that they’re overseas for a year, so it was not so difficult to keep my secret. Besides, they would both have come home straight away, had I been honest. It’s a work-cum-business holiday. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t spoil things for them.”
“And you feel you need to tell them the truth now?”
“I have no option. Before you and I bumped into one another I had seriously considered boarding a flight to somewhere affordable, and just trusting that everything would work out, but I’m not so strong these days…not even as honest, as you now see.”
“Desperation makes us do desperate things, and carrying fear is a heavy load,” John answered. “Many memorable movies have those hallmarks as their cornerstones. Yours is a classic.”
“That’s true. In my case doing the wrong thing, was the only thing that seemed right, right as in a finding a solution for the time being.”
“I’ll probably sound like an absolute chump when I say this,” he said after a while.
“Then don’t say it.”
“No. It’s best to get it out in the open. You can shoot me down in flames if you like. It’s deception at its best, but as a band aid solution, why not just pretend that nothing has changed between us?”
“I’m not sure I’m following you.”
“Well, if Anna is the only one who knows about your pregnancy, why not just go along with the idea that the baby’s mine.”
Helen was shocked.
“I need to take a walk,” she answered, “clear my head, and do some serious thinking. It’s probably best that you do the same. You owe me absolutely nothing. I could never allow you to do that for me. It would be so unfair, and I’ve already hurt you more than I care to think about. You deserve so much more.”
“I knew you’d say that, but hear me out! If you simply pretend the baby is mine, it gives you the breathing space that you need. That’s all. Then later, when you are in a better space, we can simply split up. Who’s to know the truth?”
“WE will.”
“True, but you will have spared your family a lot of angst. That is worth something.”
“And then when we DO split up, you will be the bad guy. Actually that’s rubbish. I’d never let that happen.”
“So you won’t consider it?”
“What I meant was that I would never allow them to think badly of you. That would be more than I could bear. Sure, I could even tell them the truth eventually…but I would never allow them to take my side against you.
“How could I ever have got things so twisted, John? Me? I… I always prided myself with being in charge, goal-oriented, driven, ambitious, knowing and understanding my journey in life, so proud that I had worked out where I was going, and…and here I am, at your mercy, and willing to engage you in a covert set up that ordinarily you would never have been part of. How could I ever have sunk so low?”
“You haven’t. You’re still the smart, talented woman that I first met. To be honest I think you women have the short end of the stick. And anyone who dares to judge you, anyone who thinks that they will never be in your situation, has never really loved. We’re humans. Our physiology demands that we are attracted to each other, but in so many ways women are not protected from the inevitable.
“As for thinking badly of me when we inevitably split, that’s all speculation. What’s the point in worrying about tomorrow, about things that might never eventuate? Deal with the present and look out for number one…and two,” he added with a smile. “I’m a grown lad. I’ve loved and lost and to be honest I’ve loved again. I’m actually enjoying sharing with you, so here’s what I think. Just take a chance on it Helen. You will be bound by nothing. Nor will I, but I think just getting through the next few months will put you in a better space… to plan. Right now you have to take care of yourself and a developing child. Nobody else matters, not me, and not even your parents.”
The walk along the bank of the river was just what she needed. She sat quietly for a while, watching the ever-changing patterns of the water, the veins of the earth, a life force that finds its own way through persistence and action to wherever it needs to go. The non-pregnant Helen would have taken off her shoes and dangled her feet in the freedom and naturalness of the environment, and immersed herself in the melody around her.
But now she was a different Helen, wanting the best for her child, but wondering how on earth she could possibly respond to John’s generous proposal. Living with him would not be an issue, but she didn’t deserve either his protection or generosity.
But telling her parents? Where would she find the courage?
A shadow told her she was not alone. John eased himself down beside her and took her hand gently in his. Eventually she spoke, her voice sad and lost.
“Isn’t it odd how things turn out? My mom used to say proudly to her friends that she and Dad had never had a day’s worry with me. She wasn’t boasting. It was said more as a relief than holding me up for recognition.
“My school reports were always positive and I won enough awards to line the walls of my bedroom. I was a good at sport, I easily learned to play the violin, which is not an easy instrument, let me tell you, and my friendship group was wholesome.
“Craig, on the other hand, who is probably much smarter than I am, was the lovable rascal. Mum said she spent more time listening to teachers talk about his problems than his achievements, until she reached the conclusion that the teachers didn’t seem to see one iota of virtue in him. That’s when she gave interview nights a miss…not just for him, but for me too.
“How the tables have turned!” she said, sadly!
“Not at all! That’s bollocks, and you know it. Sounds like yours was one wise mother! Nobody needs to listen to negatives about their children. In fact as far as I am concerned, if you can’t find some positives in a child, especially as a teacher, then you’re in the wrong job, and that child doesn’t deserve you.
“As for the tables having turned, I beg to differ. They haven’t. You just happened to have fallen in love, tragically lost that love, now have a baby on the way, and you are playing your cards close to your chest to protect not just your parents, but your whole family.
“Trust me Helen, there are no damned angels in this world…no saints, no super-virtuous, and that includes me. We’re all human beings on a journey, making our way in the world, with a rucksack of insecurities. Some of us rise to great heights, and others plod along accepting the highs and the lows of being alive, but we all make mistakes. Show me one person who hasn’t.
“Now, I realize that what I am proposing might seem to be a big risk right now, but I reckon you will look back and be glad that the lie you told, by omission, was one that saved a whole lot of heartbreak, and gossip, something I’m not into. Gossips are so busy nosing into other people’s affairs that they often overlook their own detritus.
“To me this is a simple solution. You and I never fell out. We never got to the stage of hating each other, and you have a pressing problem that we can easily turn around, albeit temporarily. The end result will be that your parents will have a grandchild they love, and all you’ve had to do, is put your career on hold for a short time, pick up the pieces you need, and travel along a bumpy road for a while, then build a wonderful future for yourself. AND YOU WILL. Who’s to know?”
Helen sat for a while, deep in thought, wondering how on earth all this might play out. It seemed all too easy, and yet, it was such a perfect, albeit temporary solution.
Still she carried fears.
“I don’t know John. It’s tempting, and it’s the softest option by far, but I’m wondering if the truth might trip us both up eventually.”
“Well of course it could. There’s no hiding from that. But right now yours is to cope with the here and now. But even if the truth is called into question at some stage, you will be so much more robust and better able to deal with it. Besides, often the people who demand the truth are the very ones who should take a bit of a close look in the mirror, or in those cupboards I talked about. Why on earth would you worry about them?”
“Thanks John. You always were such a rock. My parents always encouraged me to take risks, and I did, but this might be the greatest one of all, for you more than for me.”
“Well you know how I feel. You and your baby are all that matters. I’m a big lad! Don’t need to worry about me.”
“You make it sound so simple…just like that! How I could ever repay you I have no idea.”
“Focus on what’s important. The rest is not even up for discussion. If the shoe had been on the other foot…”
“Well that would have been a first,” she laughed.
“Good to know I’ve cheered you up, so for now, try to be happy. I’m guessing a happy mother makes a happy baby…but at the end of the day it’s just a guess. What the hell would I know?”
