In The Name Of My Father Chapter: 36
The universe in action….
“So much sadness,” Ailsa commented after sharing the recording with her father. “It’s a shame that my mother never got to know what he went through in order to be with her. It’s the stuff of movies, without the ultimate happy ever after. When I think of how her life should have been played out, I feel too sad for words.”
“None of us gets to choose our lives Ailsa, not even the queen herself, though you’d believe otherwise. Life is full of highs and lows, twists and bends, give and take, and blocks to our dreams. That’s what all good stories are made of. You might feel that she was short-changed, but I can tell you now, she didn’t focus on your father’s death forever, although maybe after we split she may have. When you are alone with your personal thoughts and reflections, they can change you in ways unimaginable.
“She was incredibly proud of you. She was proud of both of you of course. You each had your fair share of personality, but for all the reasons that I don’t have to spell out to you, you were a gift, an exchange for her loss.
“You know, when you were little it seemed that she wouldn’t let you out of her sight. I suspect she was scared that she could lose the one tie she had to what she saw as her dark, but beautiful past.”
“How on earth did you put up with that?”
“It was a choice I made before we married. In my heart I knew that you would always have that space that nobody else would be able to reach. Life is full of compromises. It was a contract I made with myself, and though I worried more than you can imagine about you, and I had to bite my tongue on many occasions, I never regretted my decision.”
Ailsa gently took her father’s hand in hers.
“You’re a pretty special man, more special than I’d ever imagined. And I apologize about being a little scathing when you told me the truth. You didn’t need to marry Mom, but still, it was magnanimous, not as I suggested previously, but for all the right reasons.”
“All is forgiven. You were reacting to a pretty shocking revelation.”
“Even so…silence is often a better response. It gives you time to think about things and saves you having to backpedal at a later stage. Now why can’t I meet a man like you?”
“The trick is not to go out looking for love. Let it find you. It’s all about fate. I really believe that.”
“Hah! Well fate has eluded me so far.”
“You’ve had your fair share of possibilities. BUT, you have a right to be choosy. We all do. How could you ever recognize the perfect one, if you hadn’t sifted through the dregs?”
“Well you can talk. You met one person, and, but for fate, you might have limped through life like a love-sick puppy.”
“With time I think not. But I would always have had memories, and some sadness, about what could have been.”
“Let’s get back to this recording before we get too soppy. The series of events that are playing out right now, are a bit mind boggling to say the least. I contact a priest, he happens to know Cam, who happened to be my dad’s best priest friend. After the accident, he takes charge of the handover of clothes and the likes from police to the family, and for some reason thinks to keep a battered old pocket recorder that was found on my father’s person. Then the priest just happens to have a friend who manages to download some of the recording, after all these years, and finds enough information to sink a ship.
“How’s that for the universe having a plan for us?”
“That’s something I can’t answer. It can’t all be coincidence, or can it? The truth is that we will probably never know. I think we are pretty lucky to have got this far.”
“But what we now know is pretty horrible. How do we deal with that?”
“I doubt that you can, my love,” John replied with a sigh. “You can be pretty sure that Bishop Scanlon is no longer alive and even more certain, that he has left not a shred of evidence about what took place. And bear in mind you can’t blame the church for his reactions. He would never have been mandated to treat Alistair’s request in that way. There’s no way they could justify his behavior.”
“Do you think it was a personal reaction…like a jealousy that he couldn’t contain?”
“Who knows? Jealousy plays out in many ways. Feeling that life has passed you by could be the catalyst for responding in such a shameful manner. I’d say there would have been many priests who felt trapped within their calling. Bear in mind that this one happened a long time ago, Ailsa, and whilst you could stir up past dirt, you need to ask yourself what good it would do.”
“But if I ever find whatever family I have, isn’t it something they should know? Surely closure is everything?”
John sat back for a while, deep in thought, deliberately taking a few minutes before answering.
“I think the ball would have to be entirely in your court. You have an intuitive appreciation of how to behave in any given situation. You will work out whether the whole nasty business is worth opening up, or f it’s better to allow it to die a natural death. We have all found it grueling and shocking, and we can only speculate on how the family might react.
“You will also work out HOW to share it. You’re my daughter, and I have every confidence in you that, whatever and however you choose to do things, you will execute them with the requisite decorum.”
With her arm around her father’s shoulder she responded sincerely. “You are my Dad, and you always will be, but I want to say this. Despite everything I have found out in recent times, I will always look back on my life, incredibly grateful that I had you as my mentor. You have taught me so much, and you’ve been beyond patient with me where others would have given up.
“You know I was always aware of your taking a back seat in my life at the right times. You taught me how to make my own way. I made mistakes, lots of them, some you will never know about,” she laughed, “and sometimes it was a struggle to pick myself up and keep going, but, everything made me who I am. Not many parents have your gift.
‘“To share, or not to share, That is the question. I’ll work it out.”