In Session 11
The Lay Psychiatrist does couple’s counseling
Despite my tremendous girth I am an agile man, with such perfect flexibility I can stand flat footed with my back to the door and suddenly drop my head between my legs and look straight at it, upside down. That’s how I met Joe Rogan. We were at the gym, faced in the opposite direction, when by some psychic impulse we both looked back through our legs at each other, then waddled around quacking, while maintaining eye contact, for about ten seconds. It seemed much longer.
This is not behavior readily understood by beta males, but in the rarified atmosphere of extreme martial attitudes this behavior is understood to be a display of the transcendent spirit in the martial artist. The duck is at home on land or in the air, on the water and beneath the water.
The Warrior Artist knows The Way of the Duck. It’s a male bonding thing. Others may laugh at their own risk.
I was practicing the way of the duck when the door opened, and a couple stood transfixed in the doorway, staring at me in awe. It is well known that at the advanced level, the master does not break concentration no matter what, so I allowed these people to stand mute and socially paralyzed while I continued to waddle around with my head between my legs, quacking enthusiastically. I think it is good for clients to know that I am master in my house, and will begin the session when I’m good and ready.
I pulled my head from between my legs and spun around to have a good look at this couple. The woman was old and with good genetics. She had the look of a yogi. I have known yogis who retained their girlish form into the ninth decade, and this one was twenty years shy of that.
The man was slightly vacant, like a motel the highway had bypassed some years ago, but he was congenial, having a perpetual smile and a forward leaning eagerness to please. They did not choose to give me their real names, introducing themselves as the Master and Margarita. They went directly to the leather chairs to sit side by side, neither considering the overstuffed yellow chair.
Of course I knew the reference to the Master and Margarita, and knew that in the end, they’re mad as hatters. But if the check clears I’m fine with serious mental illness. I just can’t prescribe for it. I had my diagnosis. They were both crazy.
“You are having trouble with your marriage, at this late hour in your lives?” I asked.
“We aren’t married,” the Master said. “We had an affair over a number of years.”
“A secret affair,” Margarita inserted, pointedly, I thought. They seemed to not know how to proceed, as if they were not themselves sure of the problem for which they sought counseling.
“We got together once every couple of months,” he offered, turning up his palms.
“Is the secrecy the problem?” Directing my attention to the woman I asked, “Do you wish to be acknowledged?”
“That’s not a problem,” she said. “My problem is that he keeps telling me he loves me and it makes me frigid with fear.”
I turned my attention to monsieur. “Do you love her, then?”
“Of course not,” he said. “It’s something I say to initiate sex.”
She brightened and turned towards him. “Really?” she asked, her cheeks flushing. “You don’t love me, then?”
He turned his attention to her and spoke sincerely. “I don’t love anybody,” he professed. “I’ve never loved you. I just like sex a lot. I wanted to do the magic monkey dance, if you know what I mean, Billie Jean.”
She swooned. “No wonder I chose you from among all the married men who answered the ad,” she said. “I thought you meant you really, really love me. I was frightened.”
“Put your mind at ease,” he said. “I don’t really care very much at all. It’s more like a trick I play on myself to get turned on. If I never see you again I’ll always think of you as a sex object.”
There were stars in her eyes.
It may be the easiest fee I ever earned. They left the office glowing like children, no doubt headed for some restaurant where they’d be seated somewhere other than in the window, and their old, spotted hands would touch with true affection. Old people, god love them.