In Search of Our Best Selves

We find different paths — here is mine.

I have been struggling my whole life to find myself. Not unlike many, I’ve lived anxious and unsettled. I have traveled the self-help route, sought professional help, and even accidentally joined a cult in pursuit of self-fulfillment, and yet after all of these years, I can honestly say I’m still lost.

I am living a good life. I’ve set goals and achieved them. By now, I should be a pro. You know, be someone who has a template for setting my intention and going for it.

But like an inexperienced horseback rider who looks at where they are, rather than where they are going, I trip over deciphering what I want, what I need, and somewhere in-between.

And is this so wrong? I’m sure we all give in to our desires. It’s just many of us strive for something more. We want to achieve our vision. We want to live that picture we carry inside our heads.

In my pursuit for mental wellness, I came upon a teaching that revolutionized my past conceptions. This being, to tap into my emotions to fuel the change I want to see.

I’ve always been emotional. I’m someone who feels deeply and is guided by sentiment. I thought this was my downfall.

All this time, it was training my emotional patterns that were key. Stop doing the same thing I’ve done before if it doesn’t serve me. A simple realization that doesn’t happen overnight.

One day, I was asked to sit with myself. I was permitted to listen to my thoughts, unbridled and without judgment.

A soft voice asked me, “Where did I transcend when no boundaries held me back?”

I listened. Nothing. I tried again, but I heard nothing.

Apparently, this is not uncommon.

To the unskilled meditator, trying to focus internally can be a foreign practice. Be gentle with yourself, they told me. I nestled in, feeling a little calmer, and then my thoughts came in loud and clear.

They were ruthless. Condescending. Judgmental. Self-defeating.

Again not uncommon, they said, but very telling.

It’s no wonder I kept losing myself. These thoughts were contrary to my core perception of me; someone who was kind and wholesome. Over the years of negative self-talk, I became at war with who I am.

Vision starts with emotion.

In its most basic form, I needed to work on feeling the way I wanted to feel. Out with the negativity. Bring on the emotions of higher states.

This was an easy decision. Over the past year, I wanted to create: peace, love, and connection. I threw in a little gratitude for good measure. And my journey began.

Peace

When I first started the training, achieving a peaceful state felt foreign to me. I’ve lived my life repeating patterns of chaos, upset, and turmoil from a childhood that was anything but calm.

I worried about things from the past and stressed over future events. However, the most insightful finding I learned was how often I turned to worry for no particular reason at all.

Anxiety was my unwanted friend. It followed me wherever I went. I began to notice the fear came first; then, I’d put in the reasons rather than the other way around.

It became increasingly evident. If I was to achieve peace in my life, I was going to need to train it. The realization was the easy part. The practice became my life-long goal.

Over the past year, I have managed to see progress. Before this work, feeling peaceful gave me as much anxiety as my natural anxious state. It felt unnatural. Whenever I noticed fear showing up, I named and acknowledged it. Now, I give it little attention and do my utmost to focus on the emotion I want to feel.

Does this mean I expect myself never to feel anxiety?

Of course not. There will always be times in my life when anxiety will appear. I’m striving for more significant periods of calm and tranquillity. That’s the goal.

The takeaway is a more prosperous and fuller life, free of pointless worry and increased stress, by saying goodbye to an emotional pattern that’s no longer of use.

Love

Next came Love. Now, this was an emotion I found was easy to feel. The teaching should also be easy, or so I thought. I love my family, husband, friends, cat, and writing, but I didn’t realize that living my vision of love didn’t stop there.

It needed to be all-encompassing. It’s the state of loving we strive for, even with people or things we don’t like.

My first concern was that I’d become a pushover. No longer someone who could stand up for what I thought was appropriate. Was I able to set boundaries? Did I have to love everything about everyone all of the time?

In my search to feel love, it came to my attention I needed to get rid of my ego. I had a propensity to need to be right all the time. If you forgot something, I’d point it out. If you wronged me, I’d chastise you for it.

Interestingly, once I thought about it, being right never made me feel better in the long run. It was a quick fix like eating chocolate or drinking alcohol. Once the buzz ran out, all I was left with was my point.

The argument, the alienation, or the pain I caused to the other person was rarely worth it. The feelings of sadness and loneliness I felt that followed made being right less satisfying.

I now think before I speak. I ask myself, are my words and actions going to serve me for expressing and receiving love. If it doesn’t, I readjust my behavior, or at best, I wait a while to see if it’s something I feel I must do.

The teaching reminded me to “be” love rather than to see love as a separate entity. Humanists have known about this for the longest time. When I live in a state of love, it opens me to be joyful and calm.

Just remember, when you feel love, it’s impossible also to feel hate at the same time.

I think about all the emotions that dragged me down when I allowed anger, disappointment, and sadness to rule me. Now with the insight and choice to focus on the higher states of being, I live in positivity a great deal of the time.

If you wrong me, does this mean I won’t be mad at you?

Of course not. It just means I get to choose if your behavior will bring me down. And if so, for how long.

Connection

Managing relationships are hard for me. Maintaining friendships has been a long-time bane. As I matured, I realized the introvert that I am. Past relationships haven’t always recognized my need for personal space. I, in turn, haven’t always been able to give of myself unconditionally.

This desire for connection was news to me.

Given the freedom to choose my emotional state, I was surprised this is what I chose. It turned out to be the easiest to achieve once I put in effort and dedication, and I found like-minded people. Reconnecting with writing brought about possibilities I didn’t expect.

Medium has shared with me a community I cherish. Writing’s allowed me to feel a connection with readers and to give back in-kind. Am I deluding myself that anybody else out there thinks what I have to say matters? Again, my teaching tells me it all comes from within.

I’ve become a better mother, grandmother, daughter, wife, sister, aunt, coworker, and friend through my desire for connection. Did I forget anybody?

I am much more supportive, forgiving, and I have learned to listen better. I exude connection whenever I can and put myself out there more than ever before.

I’m not sure others have noticed my progress. I strive to let the people in my life know they matter to me most. I exude connection even for the people who wrong me. Their actions don’t reflect me, so showing empathy is the greatest gift to offer a lost soul.

Since following these teachings, I have blossomed. I have more remarkable moments of peace, love, and connection to which I am grateful. It’s a hard road to change patterns we’ve repeated all of our life, but it’s a satisfying journey. I’m finally becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be.