In Search of Meaningful Others
About five years ago, a job fell into my lap. One of the clients for whom I regularly wrote blog posts asked if I might consider a full time writing job as a psychology content manager for a large health organization. It seemed like a dream come true. Full time writing positions are almost impossible to come by and given my areas of interest and expertise are behavioral medicine and health psychology, I thought I had won the lottery.
But as my father always said, if something seems too good to be true it probably is. Though I could tell something was off with the person who would become my boss from the first conversation, I chalked it up to looking a gift horse in the mouth and ignored my gut feeling. I worked remotely from Connecticut for several months and the feeling of unease grew but I convinced myself that I could turn things around.
The general sense of wrongness continued to increase but instead of cutting my losses, I felt I was committed and went through with the move. Suffice it to say it was a disaster and really shook my confidence. Not in my abilities, though, in my judgement.
I was now in Chicago, a place where I knew no one and had no contacts or resources. I’d done nothing but work for six months, days, nights, weekends, and holidays and I had met no one. Luckily, I was in a relationship, albeit a long distance one, and we talked constantly. As I’m an introvert, this was enough interpersonal interaction for me. I didn’t see the need to force myself to try to meet others, something that I’ve always found difficult and somewhat stressful. Things continued this way for three and a half years and then another disaster struck. I lost him. His sudden absence for which I could find no acceptable explanation sent me into a tailspin.
It has been about two and a half years since this loss and things have grown progressively harder. I have known for almost that long that I was in a rut, with no goals, challenges or even hobbies that I find fulfilling. I’ve tried a variety of strategies to win free of it, creating lists, breaking things down into small, manageable tasks, imposing structure to imitate the work day, creating work and hobby areas in my apartment to encourage these activities and setting rewards for accomplishments. Once in a while I even managed some of this. But not often and not recently.
These problems have continued to grow until not getting things done doesn’t even feel so bad any more. I have become complacent in my rut and it is now comfortably familiar. Yet I also know if I don’t begin to change things now my life is not going to head in a positive direction on it’s own. I have learned the folly of waiting for something to fall into my lap to solve a problem that I know can only be fixed with real effort
Yet I also realize that trying to directly alter the big picture by focusing on a big life goal as I was once did is too overwhelming for my current state of mind. It’s like looking at the entire mountain that must be climbed instead of keeping my eyes on just the area immediately before me until I take enough individual steps to finally reach the summit.
I have decided to work towards change instead, by using the idea of complementary therapy. If I begin to feel better in general then I will be better able to redirect my life by making the alterations that will get it back on track. After some consideration, I determined from my psychology background that there is one factor that has consistently been shown to help people cope with all types of hardship. Unfortunately, it is one of the hardest things for an extreme introvert — creating a social support network.
I’ve never been someone who has needed a lot of friends and I much prefer to have a few close relationships over a bunch of shallow ones with people who are no more than mere acquaintances. Truth be told, having too many people in my life becomes overwhelming for me.
Despite this or maybe because of this, I have reached a point where don’t have much human contact from one day to the next. The biggest problem with this isn’t that I’m longing for something I don’t have. To the contrary, it has become comfortable.. The ease with which I face days at a time without significant social interaction without really noticing it deeply concerning when I think about it. Of course, as I don’t really find myself craving it, I also don’t think about it very often. Yet I also know that if I once more had it in my life, I would then not want to be without it.
When I hit it off with someone and have a great conversation, discovering things we have in common, it can feel like the sun has come out after a long, cold week of winter. And like the difference between long, warm sunny days compared to short, cold dim lit ones, having people in my life with whom I connect infuses me with energy. So in addition to the other benefits of giving and receiving support from others, the added energy would be a primary force for turning other things around.
I don’t know what will come of this in the next year, but I hope that putting this in writing and publishing it for all to see will make me feel accountable. I also hope that a year from now, I will be able to report back confirming that I managed to do what I set out to in regards to establishing new relationships. Perhaps I will even be able to share additional positive changes in which this new found social support has resulted. Like the Mariposa this publication is named for, it is high time I find a way to emerge from the cocoon in which I have been enfolded for so long. Then I can open my wings and celebrate the suns rays with others of my own kind, while pursuing a life replete with meaning and purpose.