In Praise of the Seductress

Throughout history, charm, intelligence, curiosity and wit got women what they wanted, more than their youth or beauty

In a recent essay, freelance writer Rebecca Knight wrestles with a contradiction. While she’s raising her daughters to be feminists like she is, she also finds herself agonizing over her fading looks at midlife. Can she really call herself a feminist if she’s a sell-out, she wonders, as her 12-year-old watches her follow her nightly beauty regimen:

“It’s too late for me. At this point, I’ve already fallen prey to the immense pressure that society puts on women to try to look a certain way. I may be a liberated, modern woman, but I am also more than a little bit skin-deep. It’s not too late for my daughter, however. The idea of self-acceptance — even in the in the face of the all-powerful beauty industrial complex — needn’t feel like a scam for her. She doesn’t need abide by impossible standards.”

Her 12-year-old doesn’t need to abide by those standards, true, but she undoubtedly will struggle with them at some point — perhaps when she, too, is middle-aged. After all, kids are astute observers. She’s been watching her mother for many years, heard her say, “Well, when you get to be my age …”

Feminist values or not, the message is clear — a woman’s looks and youth matter most. For work, for life, for love.

What if our daughters were taught something different? What if they were taught that their true power had little to do with their looks and youth, but with their brains? I don’t mean their academic smarts, although that certainly matters.

There have been women throughout history who have used their charm, intelligence, curiosity and wit to get what they want, or so historian Betsey Prioleau details in her 2004 book, Seductress: Women Who Ravished the World and Their Lost Art of Love. Some of the women she profiles were nowhere near what society would consider beautiful or even attractive, and some weren’t young, but all were strong, sexy, sensual, confident, smart and accomplished women nevertheless, who knew the power of their femininity. They were about satisfying their own pleasure as well as a lover’s (or in some cases, lovers’).

As she writes:

“Seductresses are in fact the liberated women incarnate. … They’re futuristic models of female entitlement: independent operators, pleasure claimers, terroristas of original femininity, and big, classy divas. They recover women’s natural supremacy and achieve what most eludes us today — erotic control and the union of work and love.”

See, we already have power (or as Prioleau frames it, “natural supremacy”) — no need to be “empowered.” All we want is for others (aka men) to acknowledge it, support it and respect it. Yet we’re all too quick to give away our power, and that includes letting others (aka men) control the narrative, praising our youth and beauty above all else.

Thus as we women age, we obsess about our fading looks and youth, and fear becoming invisible and irrelevant. And we waste a lot of time, energy and money to fight it — a losing proposition. “Well, when you get to be my age …”

Like many modern parents, Knight has provided her daughters with everything to combat “society’s vision of what being a woman means,” including conversations about the #MeToo movement, misogyny, sexism and how women’s bodies are objectified. Those are important conversations. But where’s the conversation about how to get the pleasure they want and deserve? Where’s the conversation about how to tap into their charm, wit, confidence and natural eroticism to own their sexual power? Those skills will last them a lot longer than their youth and beauty — a lifetime, actually. And they’re more likely to get them what they want in life, including love.

There’s some science to back that up. Men are much more likely to talk to a woman who seems approachable and interested, no matter what she looks like, than a woman who doesn’t, even if she is beautiful.

Seductresses understand that. As Prioleau explains:

“They teach women they don’t have to cave into traditional femininity. Better still, they don’t have to be beautiful or young, hold their tongues, play tricks, or teeter on Manolo Blahniks to captivate men. The seductress’s biggest lesson is the importance of cerebral lures. The most powerful mental charm was, and is, the allure of a big, forever-interesting person. That’s the best news for 21st century women.”

I love that — “the allure of a big, forever-interesting person.” Who doesn’t want to be interesting?

When you own that, you can move through the world the way Maya Angelou does in her poem, “Phenomenal Woman”:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size But when I start to tell them, They think I’m telling lies. I say, It’s in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.

I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It’s the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can’t touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can’t see. I say, It’s in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I’m a woman

Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.

Now you understand Just why my head’s not bowed. I don’t shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It’s in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, ’Cause I’m a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That’s me.

If we want to raise phenomenal women and seductresses who don’t fall prey to impossible standards created for the pleasure of others, who own their power, we need to start with ourselves. Our daughters are watching.

Hey, I’m working on a book on changing the narrative about middle-aged and older women. Interested? Follow me here, on Medium, and on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, and let’s do this. Want to learn how to create a marriage based on your values and goals? (Of course you do!) Read The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (Seal Press). You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon. And we’re now on Audible.

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