In Memoriam 2023: Grieving Loved Ones & Public Figures
Grieving for a family member, friend, or Matthew Perry
When I heard that Dr. Ron Barrett passed it was a true shock.
He was a person I had grown to rely on to teach my students about grief and bereavement. As an academic his career encompassed studying and writing about the universality of the grieving process. Suddenly, what he had spent his life teaching all of us was put to the test. Could we grieve for him and accept his dying of cancer at 66 years old?
Grief is a consequence of losing someone you may have a deep personal relationship with or someone you never even met. Understanding the phases of grief can help us with our emotional responses after the death of someone we love.
While teaching contemporary health and disease, I made sure to spend an entire three-hour class on the grief process. To properly address the complicated and complex topic, I reached out to an expert on bereavement.
Professor Ronald Barret was that expert.
He was generous enough to be a guest speaker during the fifth week of each semester. Dr. Barrett performed a great service to these college students. He helped them understand that anger and depression are part of grief.
Humans have found ways to address death for tens of thousands of years. Funeral rituals are practiced across the globe. The rituals are symbolic and part of the grieving process.
Shock and Disbelief
Like my reaction to learning of Dr. Barrett’s death, shock and disbelief are common first responses. How do we wrap our emotional brain around someone just being gone?
Denial, numbness, and the “obsessional review” process tend to follow our disbelief.
Anger, guilt, depression, separation anxiety, and stress/distress
Once we wake up to the fact that the person we loved has died, the real work starts. This is the day-to-day emotional heavy lifting that must take place to not sink into despair. Dr. Barrett explained that the critical task of mourning is known as “grief work”. He emphasized that the road to grief recovery is a one-day-at-a-time process.
Having many tools in your grief toolbox includes healthy coping mechanisms. Too often sadness associated with loss can cause us to spiral downward because we decide to use unhealthy coping behaviors to repress our emotional pain and suffering.
Resolution
The last phase of grief is known as the resolution and recovery phase. We learn to accept the loss. Actions may follow such as disassociation of material linking objects to our loved one. We develop a more optimistic state and begin to move forward.
2023 was a painful year of personal and public losses
Personal loss- Each of us can create an annual in-memoriam list like the ones on the Emmy and Oscar award ceremonies. Our list of losses can include family, friends, work colleagues, neighbors, and members of our church, clubs, and organizations.
My personal 2023 In Memoriam list breaks my heart more than any prior year. My background music of choice for a slide show of my lost loved ones includes Leonard Bernstein conducting Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings and/or John William’s Schindler’s List theme song played by Itzhak Perlman.
I keep trying to rationalize my grief for the four beloveds who passed. “They lived good lives”, I tell myself. But grief is not so easily fooled or repressed.
What we say to ourselves and others after a loss can never truly provide a remedy. During my freshmen year in college, I had my first experience purchasing flowers to send to a friend who had just lost her mother.
The florist gently asked me what I wanted to say on the card. A blank look came over my face. She read my expression like a book and responded, “How about — With great sympathy for your loss.” I agreed with a shake of my head but knew it was a powerless attempt to provide comfort to someone who was inconsolable.
Loss of public figures: We can also add to our yearly list the public figures who we love but never had a personal relationship with. On November 22, 1963, the nation grieved for a president that 99% of us had never met. The nation collectively grieved a loss that still makes people sad to think about 60 years later.
Public Figures who passed in 2023:
AP News Notable Political & Public Affairs: Sandra Day O’Connor, Rosalynn Carter, Dianne Feinstein, Richard Ravitch
Variety Celebrity Deaths of 2023 and People Magazine Tribute: Matthew Perry, Suzanne Somers, Tina Turner, Tony Bennett, Ryan O’Neal, Andre Braugher, Norman Lear, Frances Sternhagen, Robbie Robinson, Jim Brown.
Thanks to individuals like Dr. Barrett we have a better understanding of grief. We honor our loved ones by recovering from their death in a healthy frame of mind. For anyone mourning someone they loved in 2023, take solace in that you’re not suffering alone.
References: Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. New York, The Macmillan Company.
Barrett, R.K. (1995) “Contemporary African American Funeral Rites and Traditions,” In DeSpelder & Stickland’s (Eds.) The Path Ahead: Readings in Death Dying. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Company, 80–92.
Author’s note: The Los Angeles Loyolan student newspaper stated the following “LMU community lost Dr. Ronald Keith Barrett, an LMU professor for 36 years and former chair of the psychology and African American studies departments. Barrett, who was 66 years old, had been battling cancer.” Rest in Peace, Dr. Barrett.