SATIRE
In Defense Of Bigots
No other group is so misunderstood
Denigrated far too long for their faulty noggins, a bigot’s malicious behavior can be attributed to an incredibly tiny brain.
Although a bigot baby is born with an average size brain, as soon as it is exposed to a racist parent, the brain starts precipitously shrinking, eliminating any possibility of rational thought.
Whenever a bigot tries to use critical thinking skills, their brain sputters and stalls like a flooded car engine.
That’s why bigots use a simplistic means of rationalization. See the hole. Don’t step in the hole.
This type of simplistic thinking is used when bigots interact with marginalized groups. Stereotyping victims with one-word descriptive — fag, cunt, retard, and snowflake — which are easier to remember than two words included in a person’s full name.
The “Other” Conundrum
Because of the limitations of the bigot’s brain, they have difficulty in identifying ethnic Caucasian subsets, i.e., “others” to target for harassment. So they tend to attack dark-skinned people who are easier to spot in a crowd than well-disguised “others” who masquerade as Caucasians, a.k.a. cultural mutts.
Cultural mutts create a formidable challenge for a bigot. Unable to identify a mutt with ease, bigots are forced to engage them in conversation to determine their cultural identity, before ripping off their heads.
Nuanced speech, such as Yiddish “You should be so lucky” or Arabic “alalalalalalala” or African-American, “You are dope,” make them easy targets to identify and then push into traffic.
Other deeply embedded mutt Americans require further research at bars. This is accomplished by flushing out their ethnicity with excessive drinking. After buying suspected ethnics too many drinks, the Irish stack empty beer cans on the table, the Jew passes out from one mimosa, and the Muslim, who doesn’t drink, laughs at the bigot asleep under the table spooning the Jew.
Interesting Bigot Facts
- In their search for potential victims, bigots are forced to eat at ethnic restaurants. But they often become disabled from heartburn or irritable bowel syndrome before they’re able to harass anyone.
- When bigots aren’t hunting for victims, they travel in groups, a.k.a. a gaggle of bigots, and gravitate to comfort foods — hot dogs, hamburgers, and freedom fries. Despite decades of trying to acclimate to Chinese food, bigots still have difficulty choosing from Column A and Column B and understanding the meaning of fortune cookies.
- The bigots’ tiny brain hinders them from grasping world geography. Stymied by all the words and shapes on a world map, the bigot discounts other places outside the U.S. and believes America is the only country in the world. Europe and Asia only exist in movies or on public television, which is run by liberals.
- Bigots are fearful “caravans of gypsies” will enter the U.S. from Mexico to infect them with loud mariachi music and Montezuma’s Revenge.
- Bigots believe that brown people are responsible for taking their jobs, not globalization or technology because they’re big words and hard to pronounce. Also, global threats are far away while brown people are within lynching distance.
- Bigots believe that Caucasians are more American than Native Americans because only real Americans wear face paint at football games.
- Because of a bigot’s ability to easily spot an African American in a crowd, law enforcement agencies regard bigots as exemplary citizens. They often rely upon bigots to call them whenever a dark-skinned person is seen in a public place, like a college dorm or coffee shop.
Is There A Cure For Bigotry?
More research is needed to find a cure. Maybe years from now an egghead will wake up in the middle of the night and yell, “Eureka” or whatever eggheads yell. “I know how to eradicate racism. Where’s my damn pen?” Of course, he never finds his pen and awakens in the morning with pieces of a dream that fall apart before breakfast.
Perhaps only an alien-based cure is possible, but aliens might not want to help a population of upright air breathers whose egos bruise as easily as week-old fruit.
In the meantime, as terrestrial scientists race for a cure, the only viable interim solution is to separate babies from their racist parents at birth. A short-term fix that will limit the precipitous shrinkage of their itsy-bitsy brains.
More Humor From Lauren
© Lauren Salkin 2022
