In a World that Normalises Addiction, Being Sober Makes You Stand Out
The only way to deal with it is to own it
We live in a world where you have to fight hard to justify not drinking a toxic substance. This is the case in England, where alcohol is an integral part of our culture and the building blocks of many cities, towns and village pubs. It is the centrepiece of all social occasions. Dinners out, family get-togethers, weddings, birthdays — you name it — it’s there.
Fighting against a socio-cultural norm is hard. Resisting the temptation to fit in just for the sake of fewer questions is a battle you’ll have to fight again and again if you choose a sober life. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.
We all have our vices, but some are more harmful than others. When a society or culture starts to normalise a substance so dangerous and addictive, that’s when you’ve got to worry. It feeds into become part of the stigma of taking a stand against it.
To be a teetotaler in a world that normalises alcohol dependency and makes it a pillar of many cultures is brave. But it’s also difficult. So here’s how to own it and why you should if you feel yourself struggling.
Dependency is normalised, addiction is guaranteed
Long day at work? Glass of wine. Can’t sleep and want to unwind? Glass of wine. On holiday and want to relax? Happy hour. At a wedding to celebrate the union of two people in love? Pour in the alcohol. Off to university? Get blackout drunk, so you find it easier to make friends.
Alcohol is so ingrained into our culture and societal norms that it is routinely presented as the solution to many everyday problems. Whether we are stressed, struggling to sleep or wanting to celebrate, it’s there waiting for us. There’s a type of dependency engrained into every part of our lives, whether we feel the pull of it on an individual level or not.
When we create this association or dependency, it’s only natural that we end up with some people who are addicted or who can’t get through a social occasion without it. Alcohol addictions destroy lives. But moreover, they can be the pathway into more serious and deeper addictions.
I learned this the hard way when my brother took his own life in February 2020.
Known as the life and soul of any party and someone who always had a smile on his face, he loved a good night out and was known for it. But beneath these layers lurked something dangerous—a dependency on alcohol that eventually would fuel his drug usage. One never worked without the other. But both took him to a dark place. A place he would never recover from.
Addiction destroys lives, yet it is normalised in many cultures worldwide, and those who take a stance against it are routinely stigmatised. It takes a lot to stand against this.
Being sober in a drunk world
Like my brother, there were points in my own life where I was dependent on alcohol. It became a short term solution to my crippling social anxiety when I was a teenager and evolved into an even darker dependency at some points when I was at university. I found it hard to resist the pull of drinking to fit in.
In my first year at university, I decided to be sober. Unfortunately, a few weeks before starting, I went into a dark place after drinking myself into oblivion and taking drugs. Panic attacks, de-realisation and psychosis, plagued my life for well over a year. I was scared to ever go near anything that would cause me to disassociate from reality.
As a result, I drank glasses of water and lemonade with my new flatmates instead of downing jaeger bomb after jaeger bomb. Instead, I would watch them slowly lose a sense of who they were, and bore witness to the piles of vomit that would appear in the kitchen sinks.
Because I was the sober one, they never wanted to get to know me. I never saw them during the day, as they would be nursing a hangover and only appear fully at 6 pm or later.
That first year at university was a real struggle because to make friends; you had to be drunk. Everything was geared towards losing yourself.
As a result, I became a recluse. I locked myself in my room, barely spoke to anyone and thought seriously every day about giving up before I even started. I desperately wanted to make friends but didn’t want to drink because I was scared. I was scared of what it could turn me into, what it would make me do and how dependent I would get.
I gave in in my second and third years and drank because I felt I had to. I was sick of turning down events or attending them whilst being the only sober one. I resented the glare I got from people if I said I didn’t drink. As a result, some horrible things happened. My mental health became the worst it’s ever been — verging on dark, suicidal thoughts at times — including harming myself. I damaged my relationships and myself in so many ways.
Ultimately, it wasn’t worth it.
Although my brother and I were ultimately different people, we both struggled with dependency and addiction. His death was the final straw. I knew from that point on that, at least in the short term, I could never view or drink alcohol in the same way.
The only way to survive is to own it
Taking a stance against anything considered a social norm is hard. You feel like you’re constantly fighting an uphill battle. You have to justify yourself time and time again. You have to put up with so much that wouldn’t be necessary if only you just had that one drink.
I’ve used many excuses over the years as to why I don’t want to drink. It’s exhausting to have to think of new ones to use over and over again. Instead, I’ve come to terms with the idea that I just have to own it. It’s another person’s problem if they have a problem with my choices.
If they don’t want to spend time with me because I don’t drink, they can’t value my time or the person I am. People are so much more than the person they become when they drink. In being sober, we are our true selves. We may stand out in a crowd, but we should be empowered by the choice we make.
Not everything is about alcohol, despite the world telling us that should be the norm. Cultures, societies, cities and towns are built around it because it makes money. Addiction makes money. Dependency makes money. But neither should ever be normalised, and we shouldn't be exploited.
It’s often said that it would be considered a lethal, even illegal substance, if alcohol was discovered today. But yet it is embedded into every part of our lives. Taking a stance against it makes you stand out like a sore thumb, and it is fuelled by constant questioning and a lack of acceptance.
I can only speak from my own experience and culture, but being sober is hard work. It’s not accepted but still stigmatised. Sober people aren’t boring. It doesn’t mean we can’t have fun or don’t want to socialise. On the contrary, we want to do all of those things, and it is completely possible without alcohol.
Violet is a twenty-three-year-old writer using words to navigate through life one article at a time. She enjoys writing about books, feminism, politics and mental health. To hear more from Violet, you can sign up for her newsletter here.