In a P.G. State of Mind
Put a fork in me
No. I’m not done. Not yet, not today, anyway. And neither are you.
This morning, still reeling from the shit show of a presidential “debate” that has cemented us as the laughingstock of the world, I read P.G. Barnett’s piece about “starting over” repeatedly, in his journey to becoming a writer of “worth.” One who is recognized for his undeniable talent and passion for the craft. Which he has, and displays, in spades.
Well, even though I don’t feel like I’m starting over on this platform, per se, and Billy Joel notwithstanding (I never was a fan), I’m in a P.G. state of mind because I get what he’s saying. I started writing on Medium in November of 2018 and I’ve been writing my ass off. And I’m thrilled to have the ability and opportunity to write what I want when I want, but I want more.
I want the accolades and the love and the money that is so freely showered on other writers here, even the crap ones. Especially the crap writers. We all do, even you folks who say you’re not in it for the dough. Come on, now. This is work. Harder, in fact than my former gig as an Associate Creative Director. That was a cakewalk in comparison yet I was handsomely compensated.
Sure. We love writing and writers need to write and share our feelings and all that heartfelt hooey, but damn it, this is grueling stuff.
There are days when I can’t wait to hit the keyboard. When the ideas are crackling around my brain like kindling in a fireplace. When I can’t wait to share my thoughts about “life and other stuff” with all of you.
Conversely, I have my lows. And when I do, they’re deep and vast. I think about all the time I’ve wasted sprinting like a hamster on a wheel going nowhere. Much of that is my doing as I’ve abandoned projects…promising ones…so that I can stay relevant here. That’s my choice and no one is forcing me but I simply cannot break the ties I’ve forged here.
I’ll tell you where I do feel like I’m having to start from square one, and that’s in my attempt to become a working screenwriter. I’ve invested over sixteen years of my time, learning and writing and making connections and coming so close to “making it” only to be smacked down and kicked to the curb time and again.
I’ll give you an example. One of my screenplays, “Dead Tired,” is a female-driven thriller with a unique premise. The idea came to me after watching my husband struggle with insomnia. It was and still is, a compelling and viable project.
After sending out tons of queries, I got the attention of a junior manager at a “hot” management and production company for screenwriters and other industry folks.
She gave me some notes for the script and we worked together for months. I was excited, she was excited, blah, blah, blah. The holidays rolled around and she was promoted from junior manager to, I don’t know, “regular” manager.
And then, I got my holiday gift: She was advised to drop me because I didn’t have any action scripts in my repertoire and “action” was where it was at, then. Box office wise.
Well, that felt like shit but I picked myself up, gave myself a Silkwood scrubbing down, and started over.
Fortunately, because of my work in advertising, I had no problem pitching my work and promoting myself. I enjoy it, in fact. And not too much time passed before I connected with a producer who loved the script and wanted to make it.
The guy was the executive producer of “The Dallas Buyers Club,” the Matthew McConaughey vehicle that garnered him an Academy Award for best actor. And he was keen to option my script!
Was I jazzed? Hell, yeah. I quickly learned though that the producer was a bit of a nutjob when he told me to “Find a director and let’s make this film!”
He wanted me to find the director? WTF was the producer’s job, then? Do you know what I did? I found a director. A great one. A hot, indie guy from Canada. We immediately hit it off and the ball started rolling.
As to my “deal,” I had a lawyer in L.A. who negotiated for me but unfortunately, his specialty wasn’t entertainment law. He was a great guy and did the best he could, but I got skewered regardless, as most first-time writers do. Big surprise, huh? The executive producer had a “my way or the highway” attitude and as I wanted to see my script made, I went along for his ride.
So, onward. We had a financing company that put together a budget, along with a whole marketing packet that I worked like a demon on, as did the director. He was also working with a noted casting director in New York to secure talent.
Now, film producers use “development executives” to handle the day-to-day grunt work of getting a movie made. The problem was, none of them seemed to stick. Every time we opened our email, there was a new guy or gal in the role. Each more clueless than the last. Not a good sign.
The director and I kept at it though and we had some notable actresses interested in the lead. We were moving! Plus, we had a location for the shoot. Toronto was going to stand in for my Chicago locale and I was going to be on set. I couldn’t wait. I was ready.
And then that rolling ball stopped. Not only did it stop, it got stepped on and squished flat.
There were clues that disaster was on the horizon. Our team noticed that the executive producer was becoming increasingly erratic and was issuing demands that actresses like Halle Berry star in the film even though she was completely wrong for the part. I think he just had the hots for her, frankly.
He made it increasingly difficult to get anything done and then he broke the news that he was taking his company in a “new direction” and wanted to make films that were “truth-based,” only.
THUD.
All that work, for naught. Do you have any idea how that hurt? Sadly, you probably do. You’re writers, after all. For me, having that script produced would have been a game-changer.
There went my ticket to the Indie Spirit Awards.
The rights to the script reverted back to me and it’s gathering dust along with my other projects. The good news is, the director is still interested in working with me if we can find a legit producer with the money to green-light the damn script. That’s a big “if.”
Now, I have yet another manager and other projects that have garnered attention, but still, nada. And, said manager hasn’t contacted me in a year, so that’s another ship that’s left the harbor.
I tell you all this because if you’re feeling like you’ve hit a brick wall time and again, if you feel like you’ve been knocked flat, you’re not alone, my friends. Quite the opposite. We are legion.
It’s not for lack of passion or talent that writers like P.G. and myself and so many others aren’t receiving the validation or compensation or “love” or whatever the hell you want to call it, that we deserve, it’s luck. That’s what I believe. The luck of the draw, pure and simple. Wait. I misspoke. Also, ignorance, because “ability and acumen” are no longer respected.
Bravado and braggadocio. That’s what sells.
How else can we explain the reality that daily, we see the worst writing elevated to high art? From writers who don’t understand the difference between telling a story and telling us what to do?
Writers have ranted and raved about “curation jail.” For me, getting a story curated has become about as likely as my getting a gig as a “showrunner” on a Netflix limited series. And I honestly don’t know why. I can bash Medium’s editorial staff but what’s the point? I’ll still be virtually invisible.
After a certain point, a certain age, we ponder the likelihood of “starting over” How much time do we have left and how many tries do we get? Are we being laughed at? Ridiculed? Should we just back off and let the hacks and the hucksters take over?
No. Because I, for one, just can’t say “goodbye” to you. So many of my fellow writers here have offered friendship and support and I can’t give that up. And I hope I’ve done the same for them.
But, like P.G., I feel like I’m teetering on that bottom step. A little shaky and fearful that, on my way back up, I’ll fall down and break a hip. And I can’t do that. I don’t do “cliche.”
So, lend me a hand, will you? And I’ll do the same for you. Let’s help each other up that ladder.
“And Paul, if you need a good, swift kick in the butt, you know where you can get it.”
Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.
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