In 28 Years of Spiritual & Personal Development, I Found 2 Main Paths for Transformation — Which One Is Most Effective?
When 2 become 1
Maverick Zen master Robert Rose says, turning over every stone in your spiritual pursuit. But not all people have appreciated my efforts in this area!
“Damian, you never commit! Your sister said the same thing. What is wrong with you?” my ex-partner screeched in between sobs.
But when I have committed that has also gone sideways.
“Damian, when you do something, you go to extremes. Why would you want to spend so much time staving yourself in these ( Indian ) ashrams my mom pleaded with me.
I was coming to the end of my 3-year stay studying Advaita Vedanta in Maharashtra, India.
To commit with all your being or dip your toe in and experience many practices. Which is the path that provides the best results? Or is there another gateway to your inner Essence that cannot be copied?
To strike oil, you need to dig one deep hole
Stick to one thing, to the exclusion of all other things. That was the message from Swami Parthasarathy.
Not satisfied with my local once-a-week Sanskrit chanting and meditation class. Along with practicing yoga at home and reading inspirational spiritual biographies of Indian saints.
I had fallen in love with the romantic idea of doing a long stint at an ashram in India. This would allow me to delve deep into myself at the home of spirituality, India.
I left London and my boring 9–5 job for India. I entered an ashram as a Brahmachari (student) for 3 years. This was to study a school of Indian philosophy called Advaita Vedanta.
Then, several years later. I left my 9–5er again for India. To enter into another Indian ashram for 2 ½ years to study Advaita Vedanta and Sanskrit (an old Indian language.)
In the ashrams, every minute is utilized via a daily schedule. Chanting, studying, lectures, debating, working, eating, sleeping, yoga, self-study, and meditation. From 4.15 am until it was time for bed at 9.00 pm.
But it was tough.
- Bland Indian food.
- For the 3 months of summer, the temperature hovered around 104°F.
- During monsoon, there was rain for 20 hours a day.
- During winter, it was 34°F during your chilly morning winters.
- Living in a country where very opposing values lead to several clashes.
- No sex.
- Constantly tired from waking up at 4.40 a.m. every morning.
- Having no close friends and family.
- In fighting amongst other students.
When people ask me if I enjoyed my 5 1/2 years in Indian ashrams. I say it was a complete experience. There were a lot more downs than ups. More pain than happiness. It was a meaningful experience that provided insight into my fortitude and durability.
Immersing myself in an environment for a long period enabled me to understand and embrace the Advaita Philosophy.
With a sharpened intellect from all this study, I was feeling good.
However, I started to think about how past trauma from my younger years was affecting my present experience.
Spending so much time away from Australia, it had affected my friendship. Coming back from India reintegrating myself back into society was hard.
In the ashram, I didn’t have to cook. My day was always organized and structured. No paying bills. Dealing with a complaining boss. No, having to cater to the demands of a girlfriend.
Coming back home had left me feeling angry. Frustrated. A sense of disenchantment with modern society.
I was aware all was not well when it came to my emotional state.
I wanted to change and mature. And I wanted it now.
I didn’t want to have to put years of work into getting the fruit of my rewards. My heart ached. My inner sadness, which had been a low-level companion, has come to the surface.
It demanded immediate attention.
My savior was therapy.
Turn over a number of stones
While the American Psychological Association recommends committing up to 2 years of therapy.
I decided to put afterburners on my plan. I committed to 2 types of therapy over several months.
Primal Therapy
We (Primal Therapists) have found a way into those early emotional archives and have learned to have access to those memories, to dredge them up from the unconscious, allowing us to re-experience them in the present, integrate them and no longer be driven by the unconscious.
I committed to 2 months of weekly visits.
When you think Primal, what comes to mind is an irrational scream. And violent punching of a pillow. I found this to be true, but so much more. The yelling and tears were outcomes of being skilfully guided back to release emotional pain from the past repressed childhood trauma.
At the conclusion, I felt like my insides had been cleansed. My body felt physically lighter, which comes from a sense of dissolving my emotional armor.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR)
A structured therapy that encourages the patient to briefly focus on the trauma memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which is associated with a reduction in the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories.
With a skip in my step, I jumped back on the internet and did a worldwide search for an EMDR therapist.
Fortunately, I found one here in Melbourne, Australia.
The benefit of this therapy was smoothing out my reactions when in the company of females experiencing powerful emotions.
The outcome of this therapy gave me the ability to connect with my partner more intimately.
To communicate my newfound inner Zen, the cherry on top was a nonverbal communication weekend workshop.
Nonviolent communication
NVC uses consciousness, language, and communication skills to create a framework from which you can:
express your feelings and needs with clarity and self-responsibility;
Listen to others’ feelings and needs with compassion and empathy;
Facilitate mutually beneficial outcomes for all parties involved.
Workshops are great for learning concepts and philosophy. This workshop was no different.
But the juice is in application.
Armed with some half-digested ideas and some worksheets. I took a deep breath and applied it with my mom.
I communicated the following information to my mom using the NVC 4-part process:
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs
- Request
(1) When I receive text messages from you every day or every second day, (2) I feel overwhelmed (3) because I need space and openness. (4) Would you be willing to text or call me once every 1 or 2 weeks?
Taking this long overdue risk, set up a boundary with my mom. It set in motion some initial uncomfortableness. But has ended with mutual respect and independence.
Which path is most powerful?
None of them. And both of them.
There will be times to commit and times to jump ship.
Have trust in yourself to know what is appropriate.
As you grow older, your discernment can sharpen over time.
I am not talking about leaning into your preferences because it feels safer and more comfortable. But an appreciation of when to stick to something because it serves your development best. Also, when to divorce from a pursuit or task when it’s run its natural course.
There is intelligence that underlies all things. Opportunities present themselves daily.
Have the courage to navigate your own path. Free from outside noise.
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