Improve Any Relationship by Making This One Change

Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

1319

Abstract

because we have a good relationship, and I’m not the type of wife who criticizes everything he does. I keep most of it to myself. Or do I?</p><h1 id="a044">There Are Four People in Every Relationship</h1><p id="9e7a">One of my mentors, George Pransky, once said that there are four people in every relationship. There are two real people, of course. But there is also the husband I talk to in my head. And my husband likewise has the wife he talks to in his head.</p><p id="4eb8">The judgment and criticism causing my relationship to suffer were not coming from an actual external conversation. Instead, it was the dialogue that I was having internally with the husband in my head. Okay, I’ll concede that the odd verbal criticism might slip out, but mostly, it was all happening in my mind.</p><p id="f799">I saw that even though I believed I was keeping this all to myself (because the actual words weren’t passing over my lips), that wasn’t the case. A study by Prof. Albert Mehrabian in the 1970s showed that only 7% of personal communication comes from words. In comparison, 38% comes from tone of voice and 55% from body language. So was I hiding anything from my husband by not uttering the words I was thinking? I don’t think so!</p><h1 id="a056">It’s Impossible to Change Another Person</h1><p id="c3cf">When

Options

you run into any relationship problem, it’s human nature to blame the other person. But that’s a dead-end, as it’s out of your control to be able to change anyone else. Have you ever considered that the reaction you’re getting might result from your own mood, behavior, or thinking?</p><p id="f29e">When I stopped trying to change my husband and focussed on changing myself instead, not only did I have complete control over that, but I immediately got a different and more loving response from him.</p><p id="16c9">What helped was my belief in “psychological innocence,” which says that “every person is only ever doing the best they can given their thinking.” Not only is my husband always doing his best, but so am I, which allowed me to cut myself some slack for my critical thinking.</p><p id="6694">This approach works well with children, too. Rarely is our nagging, criticizing, or judgmental thinking as parents a situation of life or death. If you trust that your children have access to the wisdom to make the right choices, they usually do. Putting trust in them and treating them as adults rather than as a nagging “parent knows best” can often lead to a tremendous change in behavior.</p><p id="be2b"><b>When you don’t have the relationships you want, take a good look at yourself.</b></p></article></body>

And it’s all under your control.

I’ll be the first to admit that COVID-19, the lockdown, and working from home have often put a strain on my relationships. My husband and I have never spent as much time together in the last 27 years as we have in these recent 12 months. While I’m usually extremely grateful for this opportunity, there are other times when I’ve found it quite challenging.

What has surprised me more than anything is the realization of just how judgmental I am. When I observe my thought process, I see how this plays out.

In my mind, my husband sometimes can’t do anything right. I’m embarrassed to say that I almost always have a “better” way of doing things and approaching every situation. I’m honestly very critical and very judgmental.

But here’s the thing. My husband doesn’t know this because we have a good relationship, and I’m not the type of wife who criticizes everything he does. I keep most of it to myself. Or do I?

There Are Four People in Every Relationship

One of my mentors, George Pransky, once said that there are four people in every relationship. There are two real people, of course. But there is also the husband I talk to in my head. And my husband likewise has the wife he talks to in his head.

The judgment and criticism causing my relationship to suffer were not coming from an actual external conversation. Instead, it was the dialogue that I was having internally with the husband in my head. Okay, I’ll concede that the odd verbal criticism might slip out, but mostly, it was all happening in my mind.

I saw that even though I believed I was keeping this all to myself (because the actual words weren’t passing over my lips), that wasn’t the case. A study by Prof. Albert Mehrabian in the 1970s showed that only 7% of personal communication comes from words. In comparison, 38% comes from tone of voice and 55% from body language. So was I hiding anything from my husband by not uttering the words I was thinking? I don’t think so!

It’s Impossible to Change Another Person

When you run into any relationship problem, it’s human nature to blame the other person. But that’s a dead-end, as it’s out of your control to be able to change anyone else. Have you ever considered that the reaction you’re getting might result from your own mood, behavior, or thinking?

When I stopped trying to change my husband and focussed on changing myself instead, not only did I have complete control over that, but I immediately got a different and more loving response from him.

What helped was my belief in “psychological innocence,” which says that “every person is only ever doing the best they can given their thinking.” Not only is my husband always doing his best, but so am I, which allowed me to cut myself some slack for my critical thinking.

This approach works well with children, too. Rarely is our nagging, criticizing, or judgmental thinking as parents a situation of life or death. If you trust that your children have access to the wisdom to make the right choices, they usually do. Putting trust in them and treating them as adults rather than as a nagging “parent knows best” can often lead to a tremendous change in behavior.

When you don’t have the relationships you want, take a good look at yourself.