Imposter Syndrome Has Been Crippling Lately And My Writing Future Is Uncertain

I don’t want to give up but every time I get a new idea, I second-guess myself and write nothing

It is taking a lot out of me just to start writing this on the page today. I’ve been coming up with so many ideas for stories lately. The ideas are plentiful and I get spurts of inspiration to write them down. Then I don’t.

Part of it is my fear of being rejected. Another part of me feels like I’ve written down everything more than I ever needed or wanted to. Yet another part of me feels like even after all of this time, I’m still not good enough and I’m just deluding myself. I get it, I hear people tell me all the time that my stories inspire them, encourage them, and make them feel all sorts of feelings. I’m not trying to invalidate any of that.

I just wish I could get myself back to a place where I felt some semblance of confidence in myself and in my abilities. I get to the point now where I’ll go days without writing either because I feel burned out from all of the duties that I’ve taken on in addition to writing. On other days, it’s more of a general lack of motivation to do nothing past sulking, staying deep within my own thoughts and doubts, and much uncertainty.

You see, not only is there uncertainty in my writing career. I’m dealing with a ton of uncertainty in my current situation right now. I’m waiting for the opportunity to settle for the winter at a camp and my mind is racing and going in all different directions before we’ve even gotten there.

Uncertainty with my abilities combined with uncertainty around where we will park from night to night is making me increasingly weary. I’ve thought about giving up so many times. Not in my life, I’m not suicidal or anything so don’t worry about me in that regard.

I’m just worried that one day, something that used to give me so much joy and release will just become something that will only cause me anxiety and pain. And for someone who is in as much pain as I am in the day, I try to avoid things like that. If my body and mind are trying to reject writing going forward as a painful experience, then it’ll be just a matter of time before I lose all motivation.

I’ve given myself breaks and forgiven myself for not writing but it’s getting to the point where it’s feeling like that could become the norm. The overthinking has crawled back into my writing process. The same overthinking that kept me out of writing for decades.

The same overthinking that came once my high school and college writing courses were done, and I just moved on.

I did well in my AP courses decades ago and have taken many valuable lessons from writers over the years who have been doing this longer and thought that I’ve taken a major leap forward in writing. It might just be that the further I’ve come along, the more I realize I have yet to learn or at least how far I still have yet to go.

The other factor in this is that my work hasn’t been validated by the ultimate authority yet. No story I’ve written has been considered good enough to receive validation (the boost) despite my recent role of stepping in to help with nominating other quality stories on the writing platform.

I don’t want to resort to criticizing the program itself. I love writing here and think that the program in general is still growing and finding its footing. I love being a boost nominator, for the most part, but the more I read, the more I question whether I am up to par with these stories. I feel like I can be and have been but this definitely makes me question my worth more and more as I dive into it.

The longer I try to figure out what I need to do to feel validated enough, the less validated I’ll feel. I do want to reiterate that I really do appreciate the kind comments, the wonderful insights, and the valuable takeaways I’ve gotten from everyone. I have grown well beyond what I ever imagined I would.

I don’t want to throw that out with the rest of my doubt.

I just think that it might be near the sunset of my writing. If I can’t truly find a way to get myself back on track or at least some semblance of what I think that should look like, I will get to the point where I’ll stop trying.

When will I get back to writing if I do that? Well, I’m not healthy. If I wait another two decades approximately to start writing again, I might not make it. Will I find what motivates me again? Am I destined and doomed to overthink my writing away from me? Overthink my life away after overcoming so much? I hope not.

I’ve always had a little fight in me. I hope I can still muster up enough strength to keep going for a while longer. I’ve tried all the things that people say work for overcoming these sorts of problems. I’ve meditated, I’ve gone out to nature to get fresh air, I’ve walked when I’ve felt well enough, I’ve eaten better, and some of the other wonderful things that I know help people.

I truly hope it isn’t too late and what is currently a bit painful to get through and to come up with becomes less painful and I can just freely express myself again to the point where I feel good, validated, and am still helping others who feel that my writing is helping them.

I know imposter syndrome is all in my head. I feel the energy and the love coming from others when they tell me that I’m a good writer. That my voice matters. That I need to tell my story. I just wish that I didn’t have to jump through so many different hoops to make it happen and make it to where writing is starting to bring me the opposite feelings than what it once did.