MY ANTI-BUCKET LIST ANTHEM
Imagine Jim Croce singing “Don’t Mess Around With Jim, Or Tom!”
Jim Croce sang about do’s and don’ts in “You Don’t Mess Around With Jim.”
Something about how you shouldn’t be…
Tugging on Superman’s cape.
Spitting into the wind.
Yanking the mask from the Lone Ranger.
I’m not singing or claiming that I am super-heroic, but I have my standards, too. I know what I am determined NOT to do.
Here is my Anti-Bucket List Game Plan:
· DO NOT ANSWER ALL WHO FIND ME ON TWITTER: I’m eager to meet new writers through Direct Messages (DM). However, not all contacts are friendly.
The faces and the names claim to be female. Whatever. My fear is that these personalities are lusting after my credit card.
When I first began my Twitter account, I received a surprising avatar. I saw a pic of a smiling woman who didn’t display a heaving bosom or luscious red lips.
“hi”
“how are you”
If poet e.e. cummings had a sister, this might have been her. No punctuation. All lowercase letters.
Then, I did something that seemed obscene to her. I wrote “I want to be a writer who publishes blogs on Medium.com. What about you?”
“go to hell”
Followed by an immediate block.
Or, I will send a picture of my beloved cat. “A MAN with a cat? Ewww!!!”
Since then, I block individuals and tandems. “Thelma and Louise have invited you to a group conversation.”
Sorry.
In reality, the overwhelming majority of buxom tweeters seem like they play on a football team. A name like Bertha followed by a numerical ID, say 666. Do these supposed ladies wear jerseys with numbers?
I’ll never know because I’m steering clear. Stay out of my bucket, lady bots.
· NOT BUYING A NEW CAR: Forget all that talk about underwater loans and shrinking resale values the moment you leave the dealership.
All I know is that I’ll see new cars in the far corner of a parking lot, taking up three or four spaces. That driver prays that he’ll never get a ding or scratch from other motorists. Good luck with that.
I’ve even speculated that birds try harder to poop on new-issue cars. Splat!
· NOT MISSING A CHANCE TO PRAISE SOMEONE: I want to compliment others for the joy it brings me. Whether or not the stranger takes a bow matters not.
I’ll never forget shopping at a grocery store on a Sunday. I went to inspect some produce.
Next to me was a fresh-from-church elderly woman. She had purple shoes and an overcoat, topped off by an ornate hat. (Yes. Same color.)
“May I praise you on that lovely purple hat that you wear so well?”
She turned to face me. A sweet smile included a quivering upper lip.
“Thank you. That means a lot.”
I shrugged and smiled.
“You are the first human who has talked to me this week!” she exclaimed.
“Well, I pity those busy people who’ve missed the chance to visit with you.”
· NOT BEING SHY ABOUT MY NEURODIVERSITY: As an adult, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, then autism (ASD-1). If sharing my diagnosis helps someone, I’ll share.
In the recent past, I served as a volunteer at a social service agency. A grandma and a second-grade boy sat down.
“Damian, you and your ADHD are too much for me!”
I stopped and smiled at the frustrated grandparent and her manic grandson.
“Did you know I have ADHD, too?” I asked. “It’s hard now, dude. But it gets better.”
· FORGET WHO I WAS: I met a mom and her son when I was in a checkout line. I looked down and spotted his cast.
“May I see your autographed cast?” I asked. “That’s so cool!”
He smiled. “Twelve people signed it.”
“Cool!”
His mom smiled at me. “He’s nine. He tried to walk away from a 13-year-old bully. When he turned his back, the bully shoved him. He fell on his wrist and broke it.”
I tapped the cast kid on the shoulder.
“That wasn’t fair. You didn’t deserve that,” I began. “I was bullied, too. But you’re going to get bigger. You’re going to get bigger friends. And bullies are afraid of losing. You will see.”
· STOP EATING EVERY ICE CREAM FLAVOR, EVEN IF IT’S FREE: Always read the ingredients on each ice cream carton. Don’t believe the name of the flavor.
I’m an ice cream pushover. I was craving a dairy delight and grabbed a pint Van Leeuwen’s Limited Edition on sale. “Was $2.98, now 50 cents.”
“With pretzel bits.”
Sure, why not?
“Grey Poupon ice cream.”
I scoffed. “It can’t be!”
It was.
I got a spoonful of a nice ice cream with a streak of…honey Dijon mustard!
I looked for a spot without yellow accents. I wound up with a vinegar twang. (Mustard hallucination?)
A co-worker heard my plight. “That’s what people put on their pretzels: mustard.”
I shook my head. “I’ve never had a flavor I couldn’t stand. Oh, well. It happened once.”
My ice cream fan friend smirked. “Wait until you have pizza- or mac and cheese-flavored ice creams.”
· NOT TALK TO ANIMALS: I feel for dogs on walks without a human. Sure, it looks like a person holding the leash. Really, it’s just a zombie who is under the spell of a cell phone.
“Good dog!” I’ll announce. “Good person, too!”
Pet and master look at each other, then smile. As if to say in unison, “He means US!”
· NOT EARNING ANOTHER COLLEGE DEGREE: One is enough.
Dogs get daily walks. What about students?
Logic says to ADHD me, “You’ll only be sitting for a couple more years. Then, you’re free.”
I grumble. “A couple of hours seems excessive.”
Logic says, “Come on. You’ll get a lot for your tuition.”
“Ha!” I reply. “A lot of student loan payments.”
I do believe in education. I attend the University of Youtube, with classes any time I feel like.
Best of all, these Youtube teachers believe in the pause button. I am in charge of bathroom and snack breaks.
· AVOID HOLDING PUBLIC OFFICE: College classes have time limits. Bells may ring. For weekly meetings, anything goes.
Then add in constituent services. That means putting up with phone calls, emails, and in-person rants from a voter like ME.
The Bible encouraged patience with average folks, especially the annoying ones. Saint Paul wrote about how wise, good men will “suffer the fools gladly.”
I think he may have wanted to keep elected officials on the job.
Thanks To Cara Michele for nominating me. In turn, I’d like to nominate some new members for the anti-bucket brigade.
They include Dan Clark Comedy, Justin Ackerman, Suzanne Mun, and Gerald Washington.
Thanks for reading. Meanwhile, don’t “kick the bucket.”
— -
Tom Owens appears daily on Twitter at @domorebemoreNOW. He tweets about escaping his 9–5 job and offers tips on how others can break out of their Job Jails. Support Tom and other writers by joining Medium at https://medium.com/@domorebemoreNOW/membership.