Personal Essay

I’m Wearing the Cloak

Just not at the bank

I imagine being in their shoes; bank staff in 2021 have plenty enough to worry about.

They already have to deal with the pandemically mandated masks.

Mandatory masks? In a bank!

Amazing!

Really, no one needs me walking in, potentially hiding any variety of things under my attire.

I’m not a complete, entire, total ass.

Caring Too Much, and Not At All

I’m less superhuman than I’d like. Or — I’m not superhuman at all. I don’t know, it might depend on the weight of my immediate share of the Consciousness. I don’t know.

It’s fun to think about.

But what am I saying?

Write. Publish. Delete. Delete. Delete.This, has been the nature of my week. Sorely, I’ve been tempted to retreat, to let everything go, to fade into shadow. I haven’t been open to sharing my negativities.

I would like to offer my readers the best, both entertaining and reprogramming them — all for the greater good.

Which, by the way, while we’re here: you are re-programmable. Especially once your guard is relaxed.

Beyond my lamentations, I’ve still held back from you.

It must be said.

Maybe I need to stay away from other Medium articles giving advice to writers; no one agrees on what works.

Share personal details?

• Yes, people want to feel connected with the author.
• No, people are looking for information strictly beneficial to them.

Well, there are billions upon billions of possible configurations for the human brain, many of which are fleeting, and that might provide an effect of inconsistency on the combined will of the masses.

And if you’re naturally a strange person, is it really worth inhibiting yourself to please the common denominator?

No! Be loose, and be free.

Deep down, I don’t really give a fuck.

I’m not saying to be careless. Yet, there exists an appropriate degree of carefreeness for every person, place and time. This prolongs your life, and the time you spend enjoying it on a deeper level; just make sure to balance it wisely, with reason and intuition.

Beloved Cloak

I don’t participate in cosplay or Halloween. I do wear a warm winter cloak, for long walks, and light errands.

Drivers turn in their cars to look. I see them make a face, perhaps they shake their heads. If it’s too warm outside, I leave the cloak flapping open, reminding uncreative teenagers of Batman.

I know, because they’ve sung me the theme song as they pass by. Look, if you’re going to try making fun of me, make it worth my time. In this way, I am difficult.

I once caught the attention of some bikers chilling in a grocery store parking lot. One pointed me out; I heard him call me by the name of ‘Death’. I didn’t acknowledge it, only joked to myself it wasn’t yet their time.

For the record, I don’t recommend playing at Death. If absolutely you must, then consider Death on holiday?

Do What Thou Will, Within Reason

Point being, as a child I would fashion my bedsheet into a cloak and wish it could be part of normal outerwear.

It’s not the actual point, but now it’s been said, and it was good.

I’m doing things as I will, while not only thinking of myself, and it’s beautiful.

The real point comes down to a simple saying of mine:

“Do what thou will, within reason.”

It’s really simple; ground yourself in healthy principles, and let yourself go.

This is meaningful, that you must be anchored in the light before following your slightest whim.

We are still humans, after all.

Logical Reasoning Isn’t Perfect, But It’s Not Terrible

I’m not implying reason is all I have to guide my moral compass, that I lack emotions or anything. I’m a sensitive empath, and have always contained a natural sense of right and wrong.

I eventually felt a need to train myself to resist such strong feelings, primarily learning to lean on logical reasoning.

You see, this world is filled with psychic vampires, and I could be an easy prey to drain. And what use do I have in such a state?

Eventually it became the reasonably solution to dampen my sense of empathy. At least, I think it’s what I did.

I lose track of how many times I’ve meddled with how I feel and process emotions.

Looking within now… I might have skewed this one a little.

While I enjoy the freedom of not wanting to jump to ease every person’s pain, I’ve now accepted immeasurably more responsibility. Feeling or not, I can’t get the idea out of my head that the world is filled with infinite pain to ease.

It’s maddening.

The sensation has even linked itself to the part of my mind that is constantly hallucinating pain and discomfort, resulting in a new sense of urgency I wasn’t ready for.

Moving forward, I need to gain control over this imagination of physical sensations.

I know I can do it; it’s just like anything else based on brainlock (OCD).

Rewiring

I had several compulsive oddities growing up. I guess I still do.

In one common case, a character’s arm, or some generic hinged object, would begin to spin in my mind, and I wouldn’t be able to get it to stop for a while.

It would spin, and it would spin, and spin, and spin and it would spin, spin, spin.

I couldn’t stop it.

With time, I learned the trick wasn’t to stop the spinning image, but to replace the image entirely with another mental sensation.

Just moving from one section of neurons to another.

It’s the same way I deal with anxiety and depression. The keys are self awareness and maintaining a plan for instant action.

This is why both happy places and imaginary forcefields work.

Writing For Us

So here I am, figuring shit out.

I would love to write everything straight as it exits my mind. This article is fairly pure, so I’m making some progress.

Yet I’m determined to stick to my goal of writing material which both attracts and teaches, and that means I need to find a way to reframe much of my negativity.

I don’t think I was wrong to unpublish multiple recent articles (they only lasted minutes to an hour live), for they were drags and downers.

It’s not that there isn’t a market for such content, it’s just not how I want to go about things. Which, as I say it, feels wrong. It’s a layer of inhibition I would be best with modifying.

My wrists and sides, where most of the fake feeling happens (you should see me trying to type, non-stop rubbing, scratching and covering myself from nothing) will continue to serve as reminders that real pain is also out there.

While I am only myself, and I can only achieve so much, I trust that this will gradually become something of great value to all.

There’s no reaching our destination without at least some level of believing that we can reach it.

And as far as caring what anyone thinks or feels… I’ll keep being considerate, because I’m convinced it matters on a greater level, but I can’t keep holding myself back the way I have been.

Cheers!

Well, I’m doing it. This is going straight from being written and quick edited to publishing. That’s what we do these days, right? Screw if it’s any good, I gotta get 100 posts in??

I’m going against my usual judgment with this strategy. But I think I understand the logic. As a newer writer, I don’t have much of a following, and the people who are following me don’t trust me enough for it to matter if I write them complete garbage, which means I don’t really have to worry about wrongfully programming anyone, right?

In this case, I don’t think this article flows very well, and I might not have made a singular consistent point. But here are my options as I see them: I publish it or I scrap it. Little point in coming back to it, I’ll probably just end up rewriting everything.

31/02/21 — I edited without rewriting much. Fantastic!