PERSONAL ESSAY | TRANSFORMATION

I’m Using Fall as a Time to Emotionally Reset

My past often clings to me like a fall leaf that refuses to drop

Just outside my window is a hammered copper dancing lady hanging in a beautiful apple tree. Sitting at my desk, I watch her spin in the fall wind, surrounded by light green and blush-pink apples ready to be harvested.

She mesmerizes me as she twirls. Shiny copper on one side and patina green on the other, she looks like a graceful ballerina performing a show for me. My mind wanders as I watch the apple tree keeping time with her.

There are certain times during the year when we tend to look backward, rehashing the things we didn’t accomplish. Birthdays, the start of a new year, and often the fall when a new school year rolls in with the changing leaves.

Fall is a time of change and also of preparing to weather the dark winter. I’m fascinated by fall. The glorious foliage colors, the nip in the air at night, and the promise of warm, savory spices in food and drinks.

What’s interesting, though, is that the glorious fall color happens due to the leaves dying. We only get to see autumn colors because the leaves are lifeless and about to drop to the ground.

It’s sometimes perplexing how nature works. The dying of leaves and blossoms is necessary for a beautiful spring bloom. And as the leaves depart, they blaze with vibrant colors that many love.

Fall always makes me wonder if there are things within me that need to die and drop to the ground so that spring growth can happen.

I have wasted an excessive amount of energy ruminating on my past. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was hoping to find a better version. Whenever I ask myself why something happened to me, I feel like I’m trying to rewrite my history rather than resigning myself to the unchangeable fact that my past is what it is.

I am not a fan of dredging up the past unless there is a solid reason. Painful memories from decades ago still have the power to shift my mood and stir up old emotions. Writing memoir pieces is both good and bad for that reason.

I am a fan of reconciling with our past so that it doesn’t hamper us from creating a positive future. I have seen in my own life how unresolved anger or sadness over something in my past keeps painful memories playing on a loop in my brain.

This fall, I am looking at things from my past that are dying but still cluttering my existence like a fall leaf that refuses to drop.

I’m not a fan of Pumpkin Spice Lattes (I know, for a native Washingtonian, that’s sacrilege), so this year, I’m chasing a healthier interior landscape instead of chasing beverages. Hopefully, I can seize the season and ready myself for a better future.

The wisdom of autumn

There are so many helpful images within the autumn season. From the previously mentioned beautiful but dying leaves to the harvesting of apples and the chill in the air that beckons us to come together for warmth.

I’ve been working on being more present with my emotions and thoughts this year. Years of hiding my sexuality and not living authentically have caused me to be very good at distracting myself from reality.

I’m a master at deflecting and busying myself so that I don’t feel physical and emotional pain. As a chronic pain warrior, this has been a nice tool for coping with painful episodes.

But when it comes to emotional pain, it’s been counterproductive to ignore it.

I’ve begun constructing new thought patterns when dealing with emotional pain. I’ve begun confronting negative thought patterns that sneak into my conscious mind and replacing them with the truth.

I am beginning to see the times I adopt tainted perceptions as reality, and I’m working to dismantle them like an old shed in the backyard.

Recently, I slowly realized that I don’t feel emotionally healthy when I spend large amounts of time alone. My wife had been working many long shifts this past month, and it started to affect my mental health.

I was embarrassed as I confronted my feelings of loneliness and apathy and didn’t want to mention it. I felt weak and childish, and I contemplated hiding it from my wife.

Then I started reflecting on how trees are pruned in late fall and that they often look barren and lifeless afterward. But when spring arrives, they blossom and thrive because of the pruning.

So I got out my emotional pruning shears and quietly, and with many tears, shared what was going on with my wife. It turned into a beautiful time of acceptance and strategizing how to create a new reality for ourselves.

I was so afraid to share, and yet, once that branch was felled, I didn’t feel bare but felt lighter and supported. I had to prune my tainted perspective that I was weak and fearful because it no longer served me, and once I did, I was healthier and stronger.

I want to continue valuing myself enough to be vulnerable with the one person who loves me beyond measure.

Moving forward

Whether we like it or not, time is always marching forward. I don’t want to waste time grappling with my past or grasping for the future.

I’m happy to have dreams and goals, but I’m working to keep my feet grounded in the present. As I let go of the things that are not serving me well, I want to linger and see the beauty of my life changing little by little.

I don’t want to miss the beauty in the pain, but it’s easy to do. I want to look outside, and instead of seeing a mess of dead leaves that need raking, I want to see the hope stored within the trees standing.

©Kim Kelly Stamp, all rights reserved

Thank you for reading! What do you love most about fall? Drop a comment and let me know.