I’m Tired of Victimizing Myself and Choose To Be a Hero Instead

My story of how I’m wrestling my mind to bring the best version of myself.

Back in my vulnerable years, I have always been in denial. Whenever life got rough, whenever life kicked me down, I would open one or two bottles to ease the pain.

I was so good at escaping from reality, seeking comfort between food and alcohol. My childhood was rough, I was constantly being bullied for more than 9 years, and it's affecting my adulthood.

Over the years, I have always played the victim myself, blaming the world and society for all the pain and the cruelty that I have been through. I never really trusted anyone anymore from that moment.

“It is because of them that I don’t trust people anymore”

“I wouldn’t be obsessed if I hadn’t been bullied”

The list goes on and on, the self-talk that I did every day, that made me hate society. I did it too often, repeating the same phrases, and it eventually implemented into my subconscious mind.

Everything started to fall apart. When I started the first year of college, I weighed 90 kilograms, I had to buy a bunch of new clothes because the old ones wouldn’t fit anymore.

I barely had any friends. I was sugarcoating myself all the time, being in denial, and lied to myself that I was leading a happy life. But deep down, I always felt unhappy about myself.

Again, when life punched me in the face, another champagne poured into that glass.

One day, I went to college to attend the morning class, I didn’t know what happened, but I felt so dizzy that morning, and it was really hard for me to breathe.

Instead of attending the class, I went to the hospital. The doctor said it was Pneumonia — An infection in the lung. It was the tip of the iceberg from years of an unhealthy lifestyle.

I was in a hospital for three days, nobody came to visit me since I had no friends, I also didn’t tell my family. I was all alone, struggling to breathe all by myself, they also had to attach the respirator to keep me breathing.

I didn’t even have the energy to fight back, I was ready to give up on life. I closed my eyes, and all of sudden the memories recalled in a split second.

The first time my mother accompanied me to school, the first trip to the zoo, holding my brother for the first time, and all the happiest moments in my life. Then the bad ones starting to struck me as well, when people were mocking me, when people were punching me, heartbreak after heartbreak, popping that champagne bottle, and thousands of other things.

That moment was my epiphany.

I realized that I had pushed myself into something that I never designed. I realized that I have been in a denial for a long time, tried my best to escape from the pain that I have felt.

I made a promise to God on that bed, I promised that I would change and become the best version of myself. After a few days, I was able to walk again, the first thing that I did was look at myself in the mirror, and made self-talk, but this one is a different kind of talk than I used to do.

“Look, I know that you have been through to a lot of shits in your life, I know that you’ve had a rough childhood, and I’m sorry that someone that you thought going to accompany you for the rest of your life had left you”

I took a good look at my face, and all of sudden the tears started to fall, as I felt like the demons within me had given up making my life miserable.

“But you can’t keep blaming everyone, and put yourself on the victim's side. You can always choose to be the hero in your life, you can always choose to be the toughest warrior, and today you had chosen that path”

The next few days, I went into a local gym, made my very first gym card, and I started to lift those weights — Even though I had no idea how to do it properly. I was the fattest, the chubbiest guy in the gym, but let me tell you that I’m sure I was the most dedicated person among others.

I kept track of every small progress, and celebrate all the small victories along the way. For the last four months, I had successfully lost 14 kilograms, gained a bunch of muscle, quit drinking alcohol, and for the first time in my life, I have something that I can be proud of.

The biggest enemy in our lives has always been our minds. Our subconscious minds kept telling us that “We can’t do it”, “What if you failed?”, “There’s no guarantee that you can make it”.

The thing is, when we do something in our day, no matter what it is, there’s a great chance that it is driven by our subconscious mind. Research had found that 95% of our brain activities are subconscious.

The last time I had the hardest heartbreak in my life, I kept telling myself “Oh God, I wouldn’t meet someone like her in my life anymore”, once again that destructive self-talks had implemented within my mind.

Every time I tried to start a new relationship, my past and the memories about her had successfully sabotaged it. It cost me three devastating years, until I made a change in my mind, “C’mon, you’re not attached to her, accept the fact that she’s gone from your life”.

Remember, that your past will not define your future.

What people say about you will not define your future.

But what you think will define your future.

If you have read this far, I’m sure you’re reading this in a great country, where almost everything is convenient for you over there. Well, I’m writing it in a shitty country — Don’t get me wrong, I love my country — but everything over here is hard.

I had to battle my mind about pursuing a career in writing, because most of the people over here, don’t even consider writing as a career. I had to break my bones so I can apply to the Medium Partner Program because Stripe doesn’t even exist over here.

I had to close my online shop on Etsy because people wouldn’t pay overpriced shipping from my country. If I was still the same person, I would be eating Doritos in my room and complaining about how shitty the government over here.

But I’m tired of victimizing myself, I’m tired of complaining and do nothing. I’m tired of accepting the fact that I grow older every day, and yet I haven’t done great things in life.

I’m making a change in my life, started with shifting my mindset towards life. And I can see that every aspect of my life had improved. I had learned to accept that the world always goes uncertain, and whatever happens — If shits happens — I always had the choice to let it go, and move on.

The next time you’re doubting the greatness of yourself, you punch that destructive thought away, you punch, you punch it hard. Fill your mind with positivity, believe that you can do everything.

The next time you’re unhappy about your life, take a deep breath and be brave to admit it to yourself, shout it right into your face, tell the world that you’re unhappy about it. Then improve what you can do to make yourself proud of yourself.

It’s time to reprogram your subconscious mind. It’s time to take over the steering wheel and redirect your life to the way you have always wanted to.

If I can do this, then you can do it much better than me, your future self is counting on you.

Hi, I’m Kenny and I’m writing exclusively for you, join me in a journey of becoming the best version of ourselves.