HUMOR

I’m Tired Of Ghosts Stealing My Stuff

I’ve just about had it. I took my watch off yesterday because I didn’t want it to get wet outside, and now it’s gone.

I live in about 700 square feet of space, half of which is occupied by dog.

I took the watch off in the bathroom. The watch lives in the bathroom drawer. I distinctly remember the feel of the leather strap in my hand as I took it off.

It’s not in the drawer.

It’s not on the floor.

It’s not on the sink.

It’s not in the drink (“toilet” doesn’t rhyme — I wonder if Dr. Seuss had these problems).

I blame ghosts because the watch is going to reappear on the bathroom counter, or in the drawer, which I have literally torn apart item by item and replaced.

Those f*© kers.

And to add insult to injury, while I was looking for my normal, everyday watch, I realized that I hadn’t seen by dressier black Anne Klein watch in a while.

Like, a long while.

I don’t wear it a lot because of the whole trend towards gigantic women’s watches that are like wearing Big Ben on your wrist (what’s up with that?), but it’d do in a pinch.

Now I’m left with my outdoor watch, which is okay, but it’s a little Wes Anderson-ish.

It’s got these weird cloth inserts on the band and it glows in the dark. I expect people to look at it and go, “The 1970s called, they want their watch back.”

I guess it’s supposed to be rugged?

I have been described using many words, but “rugged” is not one of them.

A client gave me a Target gift card, so that’s how I got the Wes Anderson watch.

I think we all remember when ghosts stole my garbage bags (and never returned them).

When I told her about the watch, my mom said, “Don’t worry, it’ll turn up.”

That’s probably what Jimmy Hoffa’s mom said too.

I talk to the ghosts. I say, “Do I NOT have enough problems?” I’m trying to shame them into returning whatever it is they’ve stolen, but of course, I can’t just be standing there and think they’re going to hand it back out of thin air.

So I’m going to go walk the dog. And when I come back, my watch — no, BOTH watches — better be in the bathroom where they belong. Or I’m calling an exorcist.

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