I’m Tired of Doing The Right Thing

What’s in it for me?

In second grade, I found a twenty-dollar bill on the playground on my way home. I told my dad, who insisted the next day I take it to the front office. “If no one claims it," he said, “then it’s yours.”

When I brought it to the office, the admin said “thanks". She didn’t take my name. I’m confident she didn’t try finding the owner. I made her wallet $20 richer because I stupidly did the right thing.

Is integrity even worth it?

I am the shadiest rule follower. On one hand, I’m very strict about waiting for my turn and I give people their money when I see them drop it. On the other hand, I’ll “accidentally" forget to swipe items at self-checkout. I justify it by thinking that they’re hiring one less cashier and I’m doing their job. Also, having customers do their own work comes at the price of their unskilled incompetency (despite that I was in retail for over 5 years and am capable of scanning merchandise).

I toe the line between right and wrong.

I teach my kids the value of integrity. How important it is to do the right thing when no one is watching or when you might lose. A great example is Pixar’s Cars (my autistic son’s obsession in his toddler years). I ruin the movie every time with my gushing of Lightning McQueen’s willingness to lose the race and do the right thing so that Strip “The King" Weathers can cross the finish line with dignity. I point out that he gave up the Dynoco contract because Rust-eze, a less glamorous company, supported him in the past and loyalty proves integrity.

Why does it hurt so much in our non-cartoon world to do the right thing? Shouldn’t the warm fuzzies we gain from integrity compensate for what we’re sacrificing?

I’m beginning to think the answer is no.

I’m not advocating harming others. If you’re a psychopath with no qualms of hurting others, karma eventually catches up. There is no joy brought from wounding others financially, emotionally, or physically.

I’m talking about the times you give up something life-changing because of someone or something else. My coworker Lynn suffered for years at our company. She’s overqualified and underpaid. Headhunters have thrown everything at her in poaching efforts and show their company values her worth. So why does she stay? Because she feels a commitment to her team. They supported her and she doesn’t want to leave them high and dry.

I tell her, “You’re insane. You’re too good for this place. Screw management…they’ll realize how bad they fucked up when you leave!”

Lynn shrugs and replies, “Because I’m stubborn and I made a commitment to the team.” Her integrity dictates her work ethic and loyalty.

With strict religious parents, I straddled different rules at different times. I feel my values are Frankensteined together from childhood rules and society’s rules. I’m going with the flow without fully understanding what’s valuable to me.

I Googled “why is integrity important”. The results aren’t persuasive. Every article boils down to integrity as a value in good leadership. Since I intend on being a worker bee until retirement, leadership doesn’t entice me. Integrity’s importance extends past the workforce, but Google couldn’t convince me.

This year I had an affair with someone I adore. We ended things to “do the right thing" for our marriages. At the time, I thought I wanted at least some integrity in the final home stretch of my marriage before it’s collapse.

I don’t feel any better about it. The stress of sneaking around is gone. But I removed from my life someone who I genuinely care about (I’ve strayed enough outside my marriage to know when it’s real and when it’s lust-filled goggles). With my husband refusing to divorce me, I’ve hit the realization that I made a big mistake in ending things.

Well, a big mistake for me. I can’t speak on his behalf, if not being together as his marriage ends provided the integrity he needed. At the time I thought he needed to live a bachelor’s life alone to engage in personal growth after decades of marriage.

Looking back, I regret this path. It opened a can of integrity-laden philosophical questions. Did I let him walk away and he’ll find someone new as a decades-long companion? Am I naïve for thinking that it’s better to have ended this way and hope that down the road we’d have a chance without a foundation of dishonesty? What would have been the difference giving it a statistically improbable chance of success if we’re not going to end up together anyway? I let him walk away to do the right thing for his marriage (even if it’s to end it); it’s hard for me to do the right thing when my husband won’t divorce me.

Slow clap. Hurray for integrity and losing someone important in my life.

Aside from leadership traits, what are we gaining with integrity?

It’s not black or white. I don’t know very many people who live with full honesty and integrity. It’s a grey area. Integrity builds off the values we set for ourselves. Logically should integrity even matter because our values are different and we’re all operating with a different set of personal rules?

This year I wanted to regain the integrity I lost years ago. But my values have changed. I used to think it meant suffering like a martyr in misery; that integrity is defined as “how you behave when no one’s watching.”

Now, I’m defining integrity as living my truth. It’s the willingness to show up as the real me, flaws and all. I want to do what feels right and be with who I want without fear of judgment. I want to unapologetically pursue new dreams despite what others think.

I don’t think integrity is about doing the right thing when no one is watching. I now think integrity is doing the right thing for you despite everyone watching.