Creative | Humor

I’m Tired of Cat Discrimination

A cat’s OP-ED letter to all humans

I’m tired of cat discrimination!

It shows some character deformation in peoples sour young lives, and they should have stick to Lifesavers and Jolly ranchers instead of those gross Sour Patch Kids. If they didn’t have the chance to live with a cat as a kid, tough luck, we don't believe that it’s our fault.

About our style

Humans say dogs resemble their owners. Well, Duh! Of course, they don't have an inch of class. Instead of sleeping on the rug all day, they should pay more attention while Kim and Kyle are on the TV, watch some RuPaul, or at least they should have learned something from Snooki before they kicked her tush out of Jersey Shore.

We, on the other hand (or should I say paw), have pizzazz and finesse. We groom ourselves all day gracefully while dogs lick their butts as if they were going to pull the next American Idol out of there. And talking about that, tell them to stop; it’s gross.

And don’t say that we also do it. Of course, we do; we love ourselves! But contrary to your dog’s yucky way, we do it with style, like ballerinas doing a Penché or a yoga teacher in the bird of paradise pose.

About our loyalty

You say you love dogs because they are loyal, while we are deceitful. I’m convinced that all those fake news-rumors and ill-intention propaganda about us are a witch hunt campaign started by that pretentious Snoopy and Garfield’s stupid dog Odie.

I don’t get the big fuss about running to humans when they whistle to sniff your behind and get a lousy pat on the head. Instead, cats, when you arrive, we take notice and keep doing whatever we please because when we want to be petted, we climb to your lap and spill your food, walk on top of the keyboard, or appear in the middle of your Zoom call.

About our diet

Dogs depend on their owners for everything, and they have to wait to be fed because they eat like slobs. They swallow the food all at once like if it was a condemned prisoner’s last meal.

We have our bowls filled all day; after all, we have manners, and besides, if the food is old, we don't need our owners to change it, we can catch a bird, a rat, or a cockroach, and we also know how to share, that’s why we leave our recent catch on your pillow.

About our bathroom routine

People say they love dogs, but when their fleabag friends need to go to the bathroom, they take them as far as they can to poop outside. Dogs do it and leave it there on the sidewalk for others to either see or step on it, and you humans then have to pick it up and return with a bag full of that stuff, hiding it like if anybody was going to steal it.

We cats are more civilized, we do our business with style in our private litter box, with white scented fresh sand, and then we take good care to cover it, so no one sees the results. And if you wonder why the “Cats” movie was so bad, try to live without a butt hole; no wonder they were so full of s**t.

About our sleeping habits

Dogs sleep on the rug while we do it in your bed, or jump to the couch when you leave, making sure to spread our hair well-placed for you to get it on your black clothes.

And by the way, stop brushing it off, believe me, you need it, have you seen your hairless behind? It looks like a Sphynx cat; poor bastards don't know the pleasure of cleaning themselves and then barf hairballs to gross you.

Enough is enough

Let’s get this clear. It’s not our fault to be purrrfect. We are not needy and always keep our indoor voice, except when we get to go out and make out, we make sure the whole neighborhood notices our romance.

Stop profiling us. We are not boneheads like that orange Garfield, evil like the movie's Siamese cats, or idiots like Tom, who can’t catch a stupid mouse. If Jerry lived here, he would have been dinner a long time ago.

In conclusion, I’m convinced that we are far superior to you and your stupid dog, and by the way, we are not the property of the old cat lady down the street.

She only makes sure that our hippy commune is clean while we flower-loving cat privileged beings mind our business.

P.S….On behalf of all cats and dogs, stop neutering and spaying us without our consent. Don’t blame us if you decide not to have kids; (to which I agree, those tiny diaper-smelly humans, with their sticky hands, and snotty noses, are a pain in the butt, always trying to carry us as babies or dress in ugly hats and ridiculous clothes).

And please don't assume it’s our fault and take revenge upon us if you have kids…Because YOU can't keep it in your pants.

Mrs. Katy Purry Paw-Daddy