avatarAndrew Rodwin

Summary

A box jellyfish, known for its lethal venom, asserts its dangerous allure and predatory nature over a quokka, emphasizing the thrill and risk that it represents in contrast to the quokka's perceived cuteness.

Abstract

In a dramatic monologue, the box jellyfish, also referred to as the sea wasp, confronts a quokka named Bob, claiming superiority in terms of danger and appeal to women. The jellyfish boasts about its deadly venom, capable of killing sixty people, and its ability to induce excruciating pain with its sting. It contrasts its own predatory lifestyle, hunting on the reef, with the quokka's harmless existence of entertaining tourists and living a domesticated life. The jellyfish mocks the idea of friendship with a quokka, suggesting that in a different scenario, they might share a drink, but ultimately, it dismisses the quokka as unsuitable for the ocean's dangers and advises it to stay on land.

Opinions

  • The box jellyfish views itself as the epitome of danger and excitement, which it believes women find more attractive than the quokka's cuteness.
  • It shows disdain for the quokka's lifestyle, considering it to be trivial and unimpressive compared to its own hunting prowess and lethal capabilities.
  • The jellyfish has a dismissive attitude towards the quokka, referring to it as "fur with toes" and "pouch potato," and sees it as an unworthy rival for a woman's affection.
  • It acknowledges the psychological toll of its predatory nature, mentioning that the carnage it causes can "mess with your head."
  • The jellyfish expresses a sense of inevitability about its role as a predator, stating that "a sea wasp's gotta do what a sea wasp's gotta do."
  • Despite its intimidating demeanor, the jellyfish reveals a touch of humor and self-awareness, playfully suggesting a hypothetical scenario where it could socialize with the quokka over drinks.
  • It indirectly admits to a fear of hair (trichophobia), which is why it has never stung a quokka.
  • The jellyfish shows a hint of respect for the quokka by suggesting they could have a drink together if it weren't for their predator-prey dynamic.
  • It concludes with a patronizing piece of advice, telling the quokka to stay out of the ocean and implying that the quokka is out of its depth in the blue ocean.

Shock a quokka

I’m the Sea Wasp That Stings Your Dreams

Sorry kid, this is blue ocean, and you’re out of your depth

Photo by Darius Bashar on Unsplash. Box Jellyfish by Christian Ferrer via Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic.

G’day mate,

Y’know what they say, eh Bob? The Priscilla thing? It ain’t truly over til the fat lady sings.

Listen up furball. Hear that? Bottom of the Götterdämmerung ninth. Brunnhilde of the horned helmet firin’ high heat and closin’ it down. Twenty stone of pure soprano, moppin’ up the last measures. All over but the cryin’. And scene!

Sorry kid. You’re cute and all, but you’re a quokka. Fur with toes. I’m a box jellyfish. We don’t do cute.

Cute? Breakfast.

Women love cute, right? Making a big fuss over their outsized gerbil, doing the poses, doing the selfies, all roses and giggles when you’re sloppin’ heel and hamming it up with your macropodine Stanky Legg, but in the dead of night, cute don’t cut it, marsupial boy.

Women don’t get all liquid and runny over cute. Munchkins are cute. Young Sheldon is cute. What women crave is risk.

Edge.

Danger.

Danger is my middle name.

OK, technically my middle name is Chironex fleckeri. That dog don’t hunt. Some dork with dandruff, hypochondria, and an overbite made that one up. Dude’s probably into cosplay. Has a pet quokka.

That was mean, even for a predator like me. All that carnage. Messes with your head, Bob.

Those who fear me, and that pretty much covers carbon-based life, call me Box Jellyfish. Esquire.

Marine Stinger.

Sea Wasp.

Not Bob. I don’t lose women to Bobs. In my world, Bobs are lunch. Tasty with horseradish.

My tentacles are ten feet long. They’re carpeted with cnidocytes. No, you don’t know what those are. You don’t wanna know. And I have millions. Every one ripe to bursting with venom. Deadly.

How deadly? Put it this way, pouch boy. I pack enough poison to kill sixty people. You know people, Bob, you’re dating one. Well, you were.

Tense, right?

But the sting Bob. Ooo. You know how they describe the pain when I sting?

Excruciating.

Ex.

Cru.

Ci.

A.

Ting.

Say it, Bob. All five syllables. You wanna mess with five syllables?

People who get stung die in two minutes, five if they’re having a bad day. I’d make it faster, but hey, I have standards, gotta put on a good show.

That’s for people. Not sure how long a quokka would last. Never stung a quokka. Hope to keep it that way, you know, the hair and all that, got a touch of trichophobia if you must know. But a sea wasp’s gotta do what a sea wasp’s gotta do.

Sure, if I were a sea cricket, all bets would be off, right? You and me? We’d pop round the local at beer o’clock for a nice coldie, Bob. First shout of schooners on me, drinking Great Northern Super Crisp Lagers til we’re munted and legless and full as the back of a plumber’s ute. Don’t know what the hell that is actually, not a lot of plumbing on the reef.

But I’m a sea wasp. You’re a pouch potato. Working the Koala Nutbush with your quokka buddies for the tourists at Bondi Beach, looking pudgy and adorable, busking for dollarydoos. I’m hunting on the reef, taking down flatback sea turtles, and scaring the fair dinkum shit out of everything else.

You’re not a joey anymore Bob. You gotta man up here. Priscilla’s taking scuba lessons. We’re doing Montgomery Reef. Not sure you’d like it. Loaded with sea wasps and all. You’re more of a shrub man. She’s more of a jelly sheila.

Don’t make this hard, Bobberino. Back to Rottnest, my dude. Settle down. Have some joeys. Maybe someday, if Priscilla and I ever call it quits, you and me Bob, we’ll hit the boozer and get properly pissed.

Until then, stay out of the ocean.

Mate.

Thanks to Sianna Lani for the inspiration and hopefully forgiveness. Check out her blockbuster Quokka series here.

Humor
Satire
Comedy
Relationships
Australia
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