I’m The Male Director Of This Tampon Commercial And I Have No Idea What Menstruation Is

I want big smiles and lots of swagger, ladies. Remember: you’ve got the periods.

Hello, ladies. If you’re here, it’s because you’ve auditioned and been selected to star in my tamp-own commercial. Tamp-own. Tom-pan? Am I saying that correctly? My name is Roland, and I’ve been directing music videos for over twenty years. This is going to be an exciting shoot.

I’m glad to see everyone is wearing their white outfits. Thank you, wardrobe. Why would you have to worry about the white getting stained? No more silly questions, please. These white outfits represent the goodness and purity of your period. Whatever that is.

The overall tone I’m going for here is beer commercial meets music video meets sexy suffragette meets something with sports. The most important thing is that you all project confidence. I want big smiles and lots of swagger, ladies. Remember: you’ve got the periods.

Our story starts with the lovely Sondra. Where is my Sondra? Aren’t you a vision in your white booty shorts — very period-esque. Sondra is at her 5:00 a.m. kickboxing class, and she’s beating the ever-living-shit out of this punching bag, fueled and energized by the sheer majestic power of a period. She’s sweaty, but in a seductive way. Sondra, show me your coy, flirty smirk. Yes, yes, perfect! While she’s powerful, she’s also vulnerable. I want you to exude strength, but not too much strength. We don’t want our male customers feeling threatened because then they won’t buy tamp-ins for their periods.

Next, we have the gorgeous Tamara, who’s hosting a pool party. Looking fabulous in your white thong bikini, Tamara. I love it; the camera is going to love it. You’re going to strut the deck of the pool like a model on a runway. Everyone’s watching you and then… swan dive. Break the surface, hair toss, push yourself up at the ledge of the pool, and close up on your cleavage. Amazing. Everyone is going to want to be on your period.

Then we have a group shot in the kitchen. Lots of laughing and female bonding. You’re all in such a great mood because you’re in the middle of enjoying a period. Spontaneous dance party in the kitchen! Each one of you is like a young Madonna. Or an older Madonna. Pick a Madonna, the artistic choice is yours. I just came off a shoot for discreet bladder leak underwear, and I want to see the same level of enthusiastic energy in your dancing. And don’t forget to playfully grind up on each other. Then I want to get a tight shot of each and every one of you savoring a period. Please, hold your questions until I’m done.

Afterward, we’re going to wrap with a shot of this cotton torpedo thingy being submerged in this beaker of blue liquid. This time-lapse shot is very important to our client because it shows how effectively their product soaks up spills. What do you mean, “Shouldn’t the liquid be red?”

Okay, I see some confused faces. Is there something you’re not understanding about being on your period? Wait, who’s “shedding uterus lining”? Listen, the only thing that I know that sheds is my Chartreux, Catniss Everpreen. Blood! You’re telling me this tam-pun gets inserted where? And this happens how often?

Look, I don’t care if, according to you, I don’t know anything about this so-called “menstruation.” You don’t get to be the number four music video director in the Principality of Liechtenstein by listening to what women tell you about their bodies. After seeing my masterpiece, every man, woman, and child in North America is going to want a period.

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