Summary

The author discusses their journey with confidence and self-image, particularly in relation to their changing body due to recovery from binge eating disorder, and how they maintain confidence despite societal pressures to be lean.

Abstract

The article titled "I’m The Fattest & Most Confident I’ve Ever Been" presents the author's reflections on the nature of confidence and its relationship to self-identity. The author, who is recovering from a binge eating disorder, shares their experience with the fluctuation of their body weight and how they've adapted their self-image to remain confident. They argue that confidence is not just about physical appearance but also about aligning one's identity with personal values, interests, and goals. The author emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and self-awareness in maintaining confidence through changes in body weight and the challenges of recovery. Despite gaining weight and losing the physique they once had, the author reports increased social success, including romantic interest and professional opportunities, by focusing on positive self-affirmations and embracing their unique qualities and aspirations.

Opinions

Confidence is not solely dependent on physical appearance but is deeply connected to one's self-image and identity.
The author believes that an important aspect of confidence is the certainty of achieving desired outcomes, which is influenced by one's self-image.
They suggest that confidence can be maintained or improved by changing one's identity to align with positive self-affirmations and personal values.
The author expresses that self-compassion is crucial during recovery from eating disorders and that being kind to oneself is more beneficial than negative self-talk.
They posit that comparing oneself to others is unproductive and that individuality in values, interests, and goals contributes significantly to one's confidence and social success.
The author advocates for a focus on personal growth and self-improvement as a source of confidence, rather than external validation.
They highlight the importance of accepting one's weaknesses while focusing on strengths as a daily practice to build and sustain confidence.

I’m The Fattest & Most Confident I’ve Ever Been

“Confidence is ignorance. If you’re feeling cocky, it’s because there’s something you don’t know.” — Eoin Colfer

You Need Confidence

“If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or music, then in that respect you can call me that.” — John Lennon

Confidence is very important in social success. Very Important.

Confidence helps you attract a mate, meet new friends and network with high-value people.

My definition of confidence (in the context of this article) is one’s level of certainty to achieve a desired outcome.

So, if I undoubtedly believe the person I want to meet will like me, my confidence is high. If I believe the person I want to meet won’t like me, my confidence is low.

Your self-image or identity is an essential factor determining your level of confidence. We all have an image of ourselves, whether we’re aware of it or not. We often view ourselves in the third person, similar to a character in a movie.

For example, when you’re daydreaming about talking to the person you like, or the details of a first date — you’re creating an image of yourself. Or, the mirror image of yourself wearing your best clothes and groomed hair is the character your mind creates for that night. Before walking into the club, that mirror image is what your mind generates. This explains why most of us feel confident when we’re wearing nice clothes and styled hair.

But with experience and time, our identity is bound to change for the better or worse.

From Skinny to Fat

“Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” — Kristin Neff

I’m currently recovering from a binge eating disorder for the second time. In July, I was the leanest I’ve ever been, and my body looked better than ever. But I noticed old habits of extreme dieting and binging beginning to resurface, so I knew I had to go back to recovery.

To get lean, you have to take on an identity to justify and commit to your actions. “I eat healthily and exercise every day because I’m interested in health and fitness” was an internal and external statement I used often. It was an alignment of my thoughts, words, and actions.

At work, I’d feel my six-pack and grab my biceps (subliminally, of course) and feel good about myself. “I’m lean and sexy. Girls like me because I’m in shape and good looking.”

Being lean made me feel more confident, but I knew the lifestyle wasn’t sustainable, so I had to change.

To recover from the diet mentality and obsession with your physical appearance, you have to allow your body to eat whatever it wants.

It sounds scary because it is.

But this is my second time recovering, so I wasn’t too worried. But the most challenging part about recovery is the weight gain.

Your abs start to fade, your veins begin to disappear, your clothes fit tighter (for all the wrong reasons), and you don’t feel attractive.

Your hunger is relentless, and you fear if you allow yourself to eat until satiety, you’ll become obese.

Despite the weight gain, I managed to get good results socially.

I’m a busser at a fancy restaurant, and three servers and two hosts began to show romantic interest in me. I made more money in tips because I was making tables laugh.

Lastly, one of the servers recommended me for a promotion. The servers at my restaurant make 300–400 dollars in tips working only five to six hours a night.

How did I maintain and perhaps improve my confidence and social success while gaining weight?

I changed my identity.

Identity Shape-Shifter

“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are.” — Patrick Rothfuss

I couldn’t identify as lean, fit, and sexy, and calling myself fat wouldn’t have helped either. So instead, I labeled myself as muscular, strong, and bulky. Also, funny, self-aware, intuitive, hard-working, and disciplined.

“But what about the fact I’m still fat?”

My coworker, who is well overweight, makes fun of himself in a light, playful manner that shows confidence.

For me, that wouldn’t work. I couldn’t call myself fat and feel confident. I’m accepting where I’m at — a little overweight — but calling myself fat and the accompanying self-image wouldn’t help my confidence.

Be self-aware and intuitive and use affirmations that work best for you. What’s more important, though, is being compassionate towards yourself.

Self-compassion means being kind to yourself. Would calling yourself fat be nice? No. Focusing on your positive qualities would be the nice thing to do.

“But what about X who is funny AND skinny?”

Comparing yourself to someone else isn’t going to improve your confidence. The fact they’re funny and skinny while you’re funny and overweight, or funny and not as lean, doesn’t matter.

It would be best if you only compare yourself to your values and actions. I value self-improvement and pride myself for working hard to become the best possible version of myself.

“I’m cool because I have a lot of knowledge about psychology, healing trauma, confidence, and interpersonal relationships, and because I always push my comfort zone.”

“But what if someone is also interested in self-improvement, and they’re funny and skinny?”

Well, then, you’re screwed. Just kidding.

Someone who has the same values may not have the same interests and opinions. We’re all unique.

Besides self-improvement, I’m also interested in basketball, lifting weights, watching true crime documentaries, and reality tv shows.

What you’re not interested in can also play a factor. I hate politics, sci-fi movies, reading fiction, and eating vegetables. I’m also not the most found of traveling.

Also, your goals and plans for the future might differ. I want to become a writer and a Marriage and Family Therapist. Until then, I don’t plan on getting married or having kids.

My goals may limit my suiters. But this is for the better. My remaining options (assuming I have them) would be the best fit for me.

To begin with, the person whos validation your seeking may not be your cup of tea. They may suck morally or have different values, interests, and aspirations.

What’s most important is being authentic, bringing your best self forward, and connecting with the people you’re meant to connect with.

One Day at a Time

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” — Abraham Lincoln

You need confidence if you want to find a mate, make friends, and network for career acceleration.

But, as with Rome, confidence isn’t built in one day. Every day is an opportunity to cement one brick.

Throughout your day, notice your thoughts and feelings. Unconditionally accept your weaknesses, but focus on your strengths. Compassionately alleviate your suffering. Your confidence and social success depend on it.

“Whenever I notice something about myself I don’t like, or whenever something goes wrong in my life, I silently repeat the following phrases: This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” — Kristin Neff

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