I’m Terrified That I Peaked at 22

The cognitive distortion of external validation.

Before 22, I considered myself to be particularly unremarkable.

My athletic career — jiu-jitsu and wrestling — had been pretty average, in school I was mediocre, and I had pretty much quit everything else that I did whether it was relationships, business ventures, or artistic endeavors. The grade I would have given my life was a C.

In December of 2019, I had to change the way that I looked at myself because I did something I’d never done before. I did something that was pretty remarkable.

It’s not that I suddenly realized that I was amazing, but I had to face the undeniable reality that I wasn’t average in at least one area. I couldn’t hide in the crowd. As an introvert, that was pretty terrifying.

What happened was that I won a world championship in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I feel like I write about this achievement a lot because, in reality, it’s the most extraordinary thing I’ve ever done. Life feels like it’s been all downhill from there.

But has it really?

“Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return.” — Leonardo Da Vinci

How Do You Define Your Worth?

In sports, business, or any other competitive world (like writing, perhaps), you will always have peaks and valleys. This is inevitable because your results appear to determine your worth in many external affairs.

However, the way that we perceive our worth based on external affairs isn’t always the most accurate.

Before winning my world title, I’d accepted the fact that I was going to forever be mediocre, but I still worked like someone who desired greatness. Once I achieved what at the time was my magnum opus, there was momentary bliss, satisfaction, and a profound feeling of accomplishment.

Like all achievements, however, the satisfaction quickly wore off and I was left feeling very similar to how I had felt before: mediocre. This was because my mental model was based on external validation from others. No achievement was going to change that if I didn’t change my mindset. I was living a cognitive distortion.

The Effects of Cognitive Distortions

A cognitive distortion is basically a fancy name for a bad habit in your brain. It’s a habitual way of thinking that leads you into harmful thought patterns.

At one of my first therapy sessions ever, my therapist gave me a packet that listed 10 of the most common cognitive distortions. I was startled by how many I was doing on a daily basis. It was really no surprise that I was as anxious and depressed as I was.

Believing that you’ve “peaked” is just another form of cognitive distortion. This is primarily because peaking is subjective.

Say I lose every Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu match that I compete in for the rest of my life, would this mean that I peaked at 22? In jiu-jitsu, I might have peaked, but in life, I could still do great things. Even the claim itself that your life has a “peak” is an overgeneralization, which is a type of cognitive distortion.

In fact, when I look back at that achievement from 2 years ago with a clearer mind, I can’t help but think that I’m really quite far from my peak.

At the time, I was 22 and in my senior year of college. I hated college. I was unhappy, broke (except for a few private lessons and an internship, I had no income), and lonely. On my Instagram page, it might have looked like I was an emerging athlete who was reaping the fruits of his hard labor, but on the inside, I was anxious, depressed, and my life revolved around my performance in the next jiu-jitsu match.

That’s no way to “peak” in life, but it is a pretty good cognitive distortion.

How to Overcome Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive distortions are everywhere.

To think about it philosophically, think of cognitive distortions as a microcosm of the Matrix, or Plato’s cave allegory. We get lost in our constructs of reality because of habits and comfort. When we realize this, it’s the equivalent of “waking up” and realizing the true nature of reality. It can be pretty painful and shocking.

The first step in overcoming a cognitive distortion is realizing that it exists. It helps to have someone (like a therapist or close friend) point it out for you, especially if these distortions are deeply hidden in your psyche.

The Coddling of the American Mind by Jonathon Haidt and Greg Lukianoff is the book that really opened my mind up to the world of cognitive distortions because it went deep into the root causes of them. I was a senior in college when I read it, and I noticed that many of the bad habits that I’d formed were a direct result of my pursuit of success.

In Conclusion

There’s nothing wrong with doing things that are important to you and there’s nothing wrong with having habits. The problems begin when we base the entirety of our being on these habits.

Unless you’re a monk who’s reached Nirvana, you probably experience some sort of cognitive distortion. In Western society, in particular, we get caught up in establishing our worth through external means like money and status. This obsession with external worth itself is a cognitive distortion.

There isn’t a secret to improving your mind. Mindfulness, therapy (specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), a study of philosophy, time, and hard work are what I’ve used to help me, and I’m still far from where I want to be.

I still feel the fear that I’ve reached my athletic peak, but I am also aware that there’s more to life than being afraid of what I perceive to be life’s peaks and valleys. A life in fear is no life at all.